franken

So what does Stuart Smalley have to say about George W. Bush? Click here to find out.
As usual I stole this link from another site, and I am completely violating online etiquette by not giving credit to the person that posted this link first. I am like the blogger version a person who secretly passes gas in an elevator, totally uncouth and somebody everybody is disgusted with, but nobody knows who do it so they can't do anything about it, except look around accusingly (is that a word?)...accusatorily...with accusation...oh you get the gist.

the internet, a bevy of banality

Sometimes I really have to question the world we live in. Of all the things people could put on the internet, I think this may be one of the stupidest ever. Of course I ended up finding it, but I swear it was a link on a feminist-magazine. My guess is none of the people on this site swallow. Because they are after all vegan, and if they won't drink milk...well you know what I'm saying.

masked man

PUBLIC PROTEST.
Okay, I'm all for protest. Stand up for what you believe in...and the whole
Batman=Superhero--->Superdad reference is kind of cool.
But seriously dude, what is up with the basket enhancement???

infection control

After I came back from the bachelorette party last night (which was fun, the stripper was hilarious...he looked just like an old friend of mine) I was changing clothes. I found this enormous oddly colored lump on my boob. Of course I had just taken an Ambien, so I thought maybe it was just my drug-addled mind playing tricks on me. So I made Will check it out...and yes I definitely had a huge discolored lump on my breast, probably the size of a walnut. So we had to drive an hour to the hospital on Ft Knox at three o'clock in the morning, and of course I'm all loopy from the Ambien. We get there and I was seen really quick, but the doctor was such a jerk. He had the bed-side manner of a drill sergeant. Turns out I have a weird boob infection. How do you get a boob infection???? I mean seriously, they spend most of the day protected, cradled in some poly-cotton blend made to feel like silk...face it, my boobs are spoiled. The thing that REALLY sucked about the situation was insurance. The military insurance runs out on the 24th and the new insurance doesn't start until Oct. 1. So if I had a REAL problem that needed long term treatment, I would be fucked. Because the new insurance wouldn't cover the pre-existing condition. I swear, insurance companies are corporate SATAN.

zuowan.

This morning, after work, and while again under the influence of pharmaceuticals, I started randomly posting comments on other people's blogs. HAHAHAHA, I can't even remember which ones or what I said.
I'm going to a bachelorette party tonight. I don't really know the person for whom the party is being thrown. Would it be wrong of me to do everything in my power to dissuade a total stranger from the headache of marriage?

more ramblings

The voices are back again. Now the conversation is getting interesting.
Oh and its a CB-Radio transmission I'm hearing. Now remember you have to imagine all this in Kuntry-nese.

"You'd like to try to hook up with a guy...oh look at you old queer"
"You seem to know so much"
"You obviously ain't got no kind of life if you're trying to hook up with people over a CB radio station"
"I bet you're a child molester"
"You ain't nothing"
"They call me Heavy D here in J-town" <---OH MY GOD...THEY CALL HIM HEAVY D"Tell 'em he ain't walking over nobody"
"That just shows you ain't got nothing to do, you got no life, probably got no job, probably borrow gas money from your sister to start your Nintendo up"
"I don't think you could do it man, I really don't"
"He ain't gonna do nothing but try to pull a gun out on somebody, you're one of them people that likes to pull a gun on somebody...I ain't getting shot, I'll fight you fist up...You'll take a big fall buddy"
"You'll get bitch-slapped right the fuck back too"
"Dude, you gotta a lot of nerve, I'm just checking my radio out and shit and you're saying to get off my (radio wave? maybe)...yeah whatever dude, you ain't got no kind of idea the shit I can do to you"
"hahahahahahaha....hahahahahhahahahaha"
"Well my situation is, I test my radio...and this cocksucker is telling me to get off his channel, Wild Willy or Wet Willy or whatever he's got"
"Wooooooooooooo, you just mad cause you can't be one yourself" <--Probably called him a redneck...that's my guess.
"Whoever it is in New Albany you don't know what the situation is...until you realize what the real deal is, you might just want to back the fuck outta it"

lather, rinse, repeat

The radio transmissions on my computer speakers are back!!! Now I think I know what it is, I am picking up Nextel walkie-talkie transmissions. This time there was a conversation going on, although I could only hear one end of the conversation and not for long, but this is what I heard.
(Now you have to imagine this in a really country-twang)
"Uh Yeah"
"Whatever"
"Yeah you ain't"
"Betcha ain't"
"Don't even give a shit"
"Going to work"...then I lost the transmission for a while.
(Cough Cough) "Ahhhh Ahhhh"

attacked

I found out recently that there was an attack (rape? The article doesn't say, although I heard from somebody there was rape involved) at one of the dorms (not run by the University) at UofL. I'm sure somebody somewhere is probably blaming the girl, somehow, they'll argue, she brought it on herself. I can just hear it now, "Well if they didn't have their door opened it wouldn't have happened." But if somebody is going to use that kind of twisted logic to explain away the incident, then they shouldn't stop there. Maybe we should blame them for having the audacity to have food in their room...I mean people get HUNGRY sometimes and maybe in the state of hunger they are compelled to do crazy things. We should probably blame them too for sleeping, and probably in night clothes like pajamas. Considering the current trend of tank tops with shorts and the fact that many women sleep braless (not me...if I go braless and thanks to gravity my boobs try to strangle me during the night)...they were probably REALLY provocatively dressed, and since men can't control their lustful drives around women just asking for sex...well it was probably a done deal when they got their "Princess" tank top with matching boy-short bottoms at Target. While we're at it we might as well blame them for having vaginas. I mean how dare a woman have a vagina...doesn't she KNOW what its for. Sure, some people might argue its for urinating and child birth...but WE ALL KNOW it is really just a ticking time-bomb, giving off subliminal penis-reception radio waves.

fun fun fun, until daddy takes your t-bird away

Some fun/funny sites:

This reminded me of a time in East Berlin (when there was an East Berlin) and I made a stinky in a public toilet. Not only did it have the poop-saving shelf but the handle for flushing was nowhere near the toilet. I stayed in that bathroom for fifteen minutes just trying to figure out how to flush it. Just when I got frustrated enough to just leave with my poo prominently displayed on the shelf, I found the button to flush the toilet. It was like four feet above the toilet located at an elbow bend the plumbing. Thank god I found it because when I finally walked out of the stall there were like three people waiting in queue.

My friend sent me this link. What is it about children's programming that makes me want to drop acid?

Oh those Japanese...always so fashion forward.

Always a classic.

overcoming underachieving

Today somebody told me I was "Sort of mean." (In my own head it sounded a lot like admiration, but whether that is the case...ahhhhhh who am I kidding...what do I care). That comment really sort of bothered me and I made sure I told her about it. "What do you mean SORT OF??? Goddammit, I am completely mean, don't minimize me!!!" Even though to the untrained eye, my bitch-ness seems like a relatively easy thing for me to do...it's not. It takes a lot of effort to be a grade A, possibbly a grade AA, bitch. Sure the catty witticism seems flawless and natural, but having your brain go a million-miles-a-minute to come up with classic one-liners is tiring. But just to prove my uber-bitch status...I out-bitched the biggest bitch at work on Monday (woohoooo)...and he did NOT like that one bit.
Also, I just ate a bunch of tuna salad that I made last night. Am I the only person who thinks food tastes better when it is a leftover? I like my pizza two days old, same with my meatloaf and my tunafish salad. Maybe I really AM meant to be a gypsy, 'cause I love eating food that has been sitting around longer than is necessarily healthy.

can laziness constitute cheating?

I just finished a writing assignment for my Body and Popular Media class. We were supposed to study an institution and analyze the ways in which bodies are gendered in these settings. I whole-heartedly admit, I TOTALLY made my part up. I supposedly (well according to the four page bullshit ramblings I just did) went to the mall and did research, when in fact if you read my post from a few days ago I just went to buy portable iPod speakers and black eyeliner. I don't know what happened, sometime between last semester and this semester I have completely stopped caring about my educational attainment. Maybe I should have taken a vacation between summer and fall classes instead of working in order to revitalize, or maybe I have realized how completely useless my degree is in the "real world" and it is taking some of the fun out of going to school. At any rate, my days as an over-achiever are numbered...I might actually make a B before I graduate at this rate.

political feistiness

"Delegate Josh Kempf wears an elephant hat signifying the mascot of the Republican Party, on the second night of the 2004 Republican National Convention at Madison Square Garden in New York, August 31, 2004."

ELEPHANT HAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That is clearly a big dildo signifying what anybody at the RNC ACTUALLY is...a big dickhead...and I'm not referring to Cheney followers.

a letter to jeb bush

Why does this keep happening to Florida? One hurricane right after the other. While Hurricane-to-Tropical Storm Frances covers Florida only a short while after Tropical Storm Charley kicked its ass, Hurricane Ivan is lurking in the wings barely giving time for a breather in between. I'm sure you're asking yourself "Why me oh vengeful Lord? What haveth I done to deserveth such wrath?" I KNOW WHY!!! Stop trying to mess with the election by preventing only CERTAIN people from voting. And give that Kathleen Harris an Oil of Olay daily facial cleansing pad before that make-up leaks into her blood stream and causes some rare form of Maybelline blood toxicity.
Oh and p.s.-your son is kind of hot, he's not the kid with the drug problem is he?

sharper image, duller clerks

I went shopping yesterday. I probably need to stop because it is turning into an addiction, and mostly they are empty purchases. So I went to The Sharper Image to get the Altec Lansing stand alone speakers for my iPod. They didn't have any in stock, so I opted to have it shipped to my house (luckily it is free). Because I had bought an entertainment book recently (because those breeders at work always have kids selling fundraising stuff, although I do try and only buy from the parents with kids in public school) I was able to use the coupon for The Sharper Image. The coupon in big letters said "$50 off", BUT the fine print said fifty bucks on purchases more than $250.00, ten bucks on purchases less than that. Well I took the time to read the fine print before I went to the store, but apparently the clerk DID NOT read the fine print at the checkout. So I got $50.00 off. WOOOOHOOOOO, 1/3rd of the price tag knocked off by harried, possibly functionally illiterate sales staff. The saddest part was that the sales person was the asst. manager too. Now I REALLY feel like I got to stick it to the corporate man. Incidentally, the only thing left to complete my iPod accessories list is either a Volkswagen or BMW that has an iPod docking station right in the car's stereo system...wonder if I have a coupon for that???
After The Sharper Image, I went to MAC to get some black eyeliner. The clerks there were a bunch of stroppy cows. I don't know what it is about me, but I can never get fucking service at make-up counters, unless there happens to be a gay man at the counter...only THEN do I get service. Somebody told me it was because I don't look like a *ka-ching* customer because I don't wear make-up...but yesterday I had fucking make-up on...gobs of it...only Kabuki actors use more than I had on. So now I think it is because of something else. Either Mexican-looking girls don't get service or fat girls don't get service at the MAC counter by the Vagina Clerks.
**On a side note, the VIVA GLAM advert campaign now has Boy George. How fabulous is that? A big improvement over Elton John if you ask me...Personally I wish Divine was still alive...now SHE would be great in that campaign

creepy

I wonder if they did the original mold in plaster-of-paris like you do in art class or if they went straight for the clay...I mean the person is dead so you wouldn't have to worry about using nostril straws for breathing holes.

blogging under the influence

Just finished working the night shift. It was overall pretty boring, but there was a dose of reality in my night when a person my age of generally good health kicked the proverbial bucket (I will probably get into some major federal trouble for saying this, I'm sure it violates some federal law on...something). SMACK SMACK SMACK, life's giving me a wake up call...HELLO...damn voicemail. That was definitely a DOWNER. So then I came home and popped an Ambien because I drank too much caffeine and would have a hard time sleeping with it being bright and all. The Ambien is definitely starting to work its magik, I can barely type and my computer has a hue that it normally doesn't have, and my hands and fingers look like some weird reptilian claws...they're kinda creeping me out. But this whole experience is making me think of Half-Baked. "Have you ever looked at the stars.....But have you ever looked at them ON WEED?" "Have you ever looked at a twenty-dollar bill on WEED?" hehehehehehe. Unbelievably, I can relate to that tool Rush L.'s frantic need for pharmaceuticals, they're GGREEEEAATTT. I'm not making any sense. In my head, there is an amazing party of thoughts and visions and light shows...but outside of my head is just fucking weird with my reptile hands typing on my clackity-clackity keyboard and nothing making sense. I should probably go to bed. Sleep deprivation rules.

mayhem

That is a monster of a hurricane! Nothing like nature in all its wrath/glory to make you feel really small.

geography 101

Here's a fine way to test your geography skills. I know quite a lot of Asia, most of Western Europe, all of the U.S., and didn't even try some of the others because it would be quite embarrassing. But at least I knew where Afghanistan and Iraq were, unlike most of my fellow compatriots.

memories light the corners of my mind

My friend sent this in an email to me. Then she wrote something like "Hmmmm, I remember seeing something like this before." Except in my case it was just a pair of hands, and a Hyundai not a Volvo. Being nineteen was FUN!!!

start spreading the news

Some pics of New York City during the RNC, well the important part of the city anyway.