danger, watch yourself

See, even road signs are giving me reasons not to break my vow of chastity.

price check

I went out with my sister, her...uh....the guy she lives with, and a bunch of their friends. It was pretty cool and honestly, I thought I could party pretty hard but going out with them made me realize that I'm just an amateur...either that or I've mellowed out with age. So there was a pretty large contingent of guys there and each and every one of them clearly considered themselves THE gift from god. But seriously, only one of them was worth anything and it only totaled about the price of an Easter basket.

masticator

I swear to god, I have eaten more rice in the last week than I probably ate all of last year. And apparently Iniki likes kim/nori/dried seaweed. Coincidentally, since he's been eating it, his poop is a lot easier to clean up.

surreal life

Just got back from a barbecue at my brother's house. You know, I thought I had seen a lot and thought I had some strange friends, BUT THIS TAKES THE CAKE! My sister-in-law had a friend and her husband over as well as me and some guy I knew when I was just a wee thing. Apparently they just got a new laptop and enjoy looking at sites like ratemythong.com and ratemycock.com (no lie, these REALLY exist). It also seems that the wife desperately wanted to put her husband's weenie up on desperateforapproval.com. So part of the night they were trying to take a digital picture of a Polaroid they have of him lounging around all Sylvester Stallone circa Playgirl spread. When that didn't work out, he started taking actual pictures of his penis with the digital camera. First, he went to the bathroom, I guess he wanted to be discreet. But when that proved too taxing, he full on whipped it out at the dining room table. Lucky for me, I was across the table from him and there was thankfully a very big bag of tortilla chips blocking my view...but I guess my sister-in-law saw it. I can only presume that he didn't like the lighting from the dining room, so he went outside on the deck and started snapping away. Every three to four minutes you would see a flash go off outside; and this went on for a good twenty minutes. Can you imagine?

frightening and sad

I found out today that a person I used to work with in Hawaii, actually the person that took over my job when I left, died recently. She was only 37 years old.

stop. thief.

Never one to shy away from stealing other people's ideas when I have none of my own...

Top Ten Brands You Cannot Live Without:

1. Coke-it's the real thing AND Diet Coke has that Adrien Brody commercial I love.
2. HBO-without this little slice of television heaven, I wouldn't have anything to watch, especially since America's Next Top Model is finished.
3. Apple-iPods, iTunes...my credit card has never been the same.
4. General Foods International Coffees-two words: Chai, Latte. Nuff said.
5. Fendi-the few sunglasses that fit and flatter my ginormous head.
6. Ambien-every once in a while, you need a good night's sleep.
7. MAC-for my fabulous inner transvestite.
8. Lancome-the reason I still look 24, or at least the reason my friends lie to me about looking 24.
9. Target-cause I love cheap, any store with a dollar spot is all right by me.
10. McDonald's-french fries are the food of the gods.

kentucky v. washington

METRO LOUISVILLE

*Catfish
*The frying of every conceivable vegetable and meat known to man
*Lots of F350s on the road
*Thornton's and Speedway
*People with money buy horses
*Ohio River Bridges
*Tornadoes
*Everybody vacations by taking a cruise
*Azaleas and oak trees (which means a shitload of raking)
*College basketball
*Fourth Street Live
*Trailer girls vying for their Jerry Springer appearance
*Germantown
*Co-workers that annoyingly mother you to death
*Allergies that cause headaches and snotty noses
*Bad hair from excessive humidity
*Starbucks


GREATER SEATTLE AREA

*Salmon
*Teriyaki sauce on every conceivable vegetable, meat, and meat-substitute product known to man
*Lots of Hummers on the road
*ampm and 7-11
*People with money buy boats
*Narrows Bridge (formery known as Galloping Gertie)
*Earthquakes
*Everybody vacations by camping and hiking
*Rhododendrons and evergreens
*Mariners baseball
*Pioneer Square
*Ghetto girls vying for their Jerry Springer appearance
*Koreatown
*Mothers that annoyingly work you to death
*Allergies that cause itchy eyes and coaster sized boogers
*Bad hair from excessive rain
*Starbucks

the thing about parents...

is that they think their children are deaf, either that or profoundly and severely retarded. Do they REALLY think we can't hear them talking about us from fifteen feet away? And worse yet, if your parent speaks another language. You KNOW they're talking about you, but you don't know what they're saying...AND chances are pretty damn good that they're talking shit. I'm pretty sure that in the minds of parents, we are perpetually eleven years old.

say wha?

Remind me not to blog while high on pharmaceuticals. And in other news, I think I made a big mistake...tigers can't change their stripes, leopards can't change their spots, going full circle means you end up nowhere.

s.o.s.

Somebody help me, I've obviously fallen into a vacuum of infantilism...why else would I be forcing myself into the womb I tried so hard to escape? All of the days journeys involved fighting, and you would think that I would know that the right answer is clearly and obviously her answer and equally as clearly I would recognize that my solutions are the rantings of a obviously insane woman who somehow managed to make it ten years without self-imploding, but now that I'm back in the web, I've regressed to a fourteen year old. Wow, I took two Ambien and there is a lot of weirdness going on right now. There seems to be some short of light show behind my monitor, a party I'm not privy to, though I would love to attend. And the crazy lizard fingers are back, tap tap typing away with their leathery beaks, hoping for some later reward...maybe food, maybe lotion, maybe weapons they could learn to use and take over the ambien induced mother may I that they don't even get to play. I don't know where I am right now, I'm lost amongst a shitload of familiarity. And there seems to be a green and ocre color taking over my screen right about now and they're blowing hot air on me. I think this might be the takeover. Please send help...but not until after 8 hours of sleep that the Ambien is going to provide.

collector

I don't know if it's because she grew up right after a war that literally divided her homeland and lacked a lot of material things, but damn my mother is OBSESSED with toilet paper. She literally has HUNDREDS of rolls of toilet paper, every time I open a closet or a cabinet, it is stuffed to the gills with rolls and rolls of tp. We are already a family of pack-rats but I'm worried, this toilet paper thing is a little extreme. And the paper towels, dear god the paper towels. She doesn't ever use them, she gets pissy when somebody else does, but she hoards them like they're some invaluable commodity. I'm a little freaked out...why does any one person need so many paper products?

oscar worthy

While at my dad's place in Salt Lake City, he shared his completely legal collection of burned movies with my sister and myself. We went apeshit because my dad records the kinds of movies that we love...you know the D-list, straight to video, 80s cheddar kind of flicks that nobody else has ever heard of...in fact we literally fought over a couple of them. So here's my list of movies that I have loved that nobody else has heard of, except for my sister of course.

o Gotcha
o Gimme an F
o Fast Forward
o Night of the Comet
o Sleepaway Camp Part II

travel wrap-up

Total Miles Driven: 2,600
Total Coffee Consumed: 4.3 liters
Total Calories of Truck Stop Food Eaten: 18,243
Total Times I Punched My Sister: Only 2
Total Times I Said Mean Things: 93
Hours Before My Mom Reminded Me I Was Fat: 9 (I thought I'd get at least a 24 hour reprieve)
Hours Before Her Friends Started Asking Me How Much I Weighed: 18
Hours I Went Before Calling Cable Company to Set Up Internet Service: 12
Hours of Continuous Rain Since Hitting the Pacific Northwest: 56
Hours I've Been Here: 59
Total Number of Hail Storms: 2
Number of Valium I Saved for Myself Instead of Giving to Iniki: 12

travels with iniki - part II - cont

Finally in washington the weather sucks. Somebody remind me why I came back?

travels with iniki - part II - cont

I have needed my windshield wipers from the very nanosecond I drove into the Pacific Northwest. Fucking rain!

travels with iniki - part II - cont

Don't ever take a roadtrip with your freeloading sister. You end up eating beef jerky and drinking gas station coffee out of sheer stubborness because you don't want to pony up for real food for everybody.

travels with iniki - part II - cont

2000 miles driven and my car officially smells like a rank armpit.

travels with iniki - part II

Getting ready to leave my dad's and Salt Lake, which is one seriously beautiful city. And I swear to god, there are NO FAT PEOPLE here, not even at the Walmart....I'm like a one woman club out here. So it should take us about thirteen hours or so to reach out destination point. I'm pretty sure I will have found an airport to drop my sister off at and a pound for my dog. That much time together in an enclosed space is never a good thing...which is weird, I used to really enjoy road trips. Is it bad that I'm already planning my next move and I haven't even gotten up to the Pacific Northwest yet? I'm trying to be positive so I don't do the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing but DAYAM, being around my family is best in small increments of time when I live at least 800 miles away.

travels with iniki - cont

Well it is late and my ass is killing me from sitting on it for more hours than I can count, I guess that is one fantasy best left unfufilled. After about 1500 miles of solid driving, we are at my dad's place in Salt Lake City. This is the cleanest town I've ever been in, I have yet to see a homeless person. I am going to sleep the sleep of the dead tonight. After I wash the grime off of my body, I am taking a sleeping pill and I might even snake one of my dog's Valium and polish it off with a couple of shots of vodka just to make sure that even a church full of Mormon missionaries at the doorstep won't rouse me in the slightest.

travels with iniki - cont

Utah is a lot like a crazy aunt's house, full of pretty things but devoid of life and kind of creepy.