One of my favorite scenes in Parenthood is the one in which Grandma starts talking about rollercoasters vs. ferris wheels as a metaphor for life. Some people like the constant predictable revolutions of a ferris wheel and some people prefer the exciting ups and downs of a rollercoaster. I often think that I prefer the rollercoaster but that's clearly all very situational.
In my love life, the rollercoaster isn't quite the thrill that it is in other aspects of my life. And the past few days have been a rollercoaster. Over the weekend I started feeling the chuggy steady climb into an area of my relationship that creates a feeling of incredible vulnerability and true to a real rollercoaster I started to anticipate the drop ahead. But instead of waiting for the dip, waiting to see if it was going to be big or small, I preemptively started screaming and flailing around. And the consequences of my premature action to an expected reaction have been severe.
The boy and I almost broke up. I said some terrible things to him because I let myself feel more hurt about a situation than the situation actually warranted, a monster from the past that resurfaced with a great roar, an open mouth full of jagged but razor sharp teeth. I hurt him to vindicate the hurt in myself. As he correctly pointed out, I used my monster to try to re-exert some semblance of control when I felt that my feelings of security were not in my control.
But the insane thing is that because of my actions, I created an even worse situation. I tried to grab control and then ended up having almost none.
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