disaster

The boy and I are "on a break." We are taking a time out so that we can decide whether or not we are willing and able to do the work necessary to work things out. I think I have decided that I am, I don't know that he will decide that he is. But for my sake and his sake and our sake, I have to give him the time and space to make that decision. And that feels like one of the most painful things for me to do right now, letting go of my desire to control situations in order to make myself more secure and comfortable. I have to let go of my control right now and let him decide what he wants. I have to give him his space and time. I have to let him choose so that I can be secure in the knowledge that if we do decide to try and work things out, both of us are in it together. It's hard to not be hard on myself right now. It's hard not to find ways to point the finger at myself and think that there is something wrong with me, something that is pushing away the person I am still very much in love with. Not that anybody said that this was going to be easy. It's also hard for me to hear that everything is going to be okay because right now, okay seems like a million miles away. I'm a pulsing exposed wound right now and at this point, healing feels impossible.