carion

I feel like I'm being consumed by frustration and tension lately. Maybe it's something as mundane as some seasonal disorder, feeling blue because the skies never seem to be. But that would seem trite, and I refuse to believe that I've allowed my emotional state to become that.
It's been a frustrating week. I tried fasting and only made it 48 of the recommended 240 hours, not that I'm all that upset about my lack of commitment to something that goes against most of what I know. But the effects the fast had on my body were unexpected, I had a week long headache and a almost total lack of clarity. I vow to NEVER give up coffee again.
So, while already feeling like shit I ended up getting incredibly angry with the boy about his decision making. My emotional volatity created a chasm between him and I, one of my own design and therefore only felt by me. The chasm of course beget a lashing out which beget his own anger which beget the ability he has of saying incredibly pointed and hurtful things.
And then there's the work/money situation. I guess I should have known better than to expect a corporate soulless shark to do the right thing, the fair thing. I guess I shouldn't have had any expectations. Then I wouldn't be so fucking upset that my doing the right thing would turn out to not bring the good tidings I had hoped for.
All these things, on an individual level, aren't anything too grand, certainly nothing that a person can't handle. But together, all at once, it feels like too much. It feels like the black nothingness that usually swirls in the periphery of my life is slithering forward and tapping me on the shoulder.