hanging up on hanging on

I've been feeling a little out of control lately. Emotional control. My buttons are being pushed in big ways and I'm just not handling it very well. And despite my being able to intellectually know where it's coming from and why I'm feeling a little over the top upset about some things, I feel like I get sucked into this vortex of responding intensely to things and being upset far too often. Most of what's going on has a lot to do with the way in which I grew up and was raised. And it drives me to distraction knowing that my shitty childhood, where I had no choice and no voice, has a hold on me as an adult where I do have a voice and some choices. I want some calm, but a true calm, not the calm that follows intense battles.

kinetic

Since I haven't managed to compel myself to move far far away as is my customary four year habit, I have moved into yet another place. This makes my fourth apartment in almost five years. I actually stayed in my last place for almost two years. This place is pretty great. It's HUGE, particularly compared to my Lilliputian last place. And it has its own washer and dryer...finally, I can collect quarters to spend on things other than laundry. The neighbors and the property are pretty quirky. It's neat.
Though I am enamored with my new place, I've decided that Seattle and the universe are basically forcing me to admit that no, I can never escape my past. My new apartment is EXACTLY across the street from the apartment the ex-boyfriend lived in when we started dating years ago. In a city of this size, with so many places to live, how that happens I just don't know...but it did.
I've decided to give the roommate thing another try as well. Having a roommate certainly helps with getting a bigger place, while reducing costs. And I thought that it would force me away from isolating myself like I have been the last year. I moved in with one of my friends. I have suspected for a while that my optimal roommate situation might be with a gay man. We'll see how it pans out. E. is pretty easy going and seems like he will put up with my idiosyncrasies (aka crazy bullshit). And Iniki just LOVES him to pieces. I think he was missing having a regular male presence in his life (not that his mama ain't missin' it a little bit too).
So here we are again, making changes in my life in the hopes that it will help make space for bigger and better changes. Bigger and better apartment = bigger and better things? Guess we'll see.

happy happy joy joy

I went down to Oregon this past weekend to meet up with some family members and to scatter my grandfather's ashes. We scattered his ashes in Florence, Oregon; the same beach where my aunt's ashes were scattered a few years ago after her battle with cancer ended. It was a powerful trip, dealing with the finality of performing the last physical act of saying goodbye. From start to finish, I can't think of many ways in which it could have been more perfect. I got to see a couple of cousins I hadn't seen since I was a teenager and they were kids. The weather was great. It was nice spending time with my family again. In particular, my grandmother was quite the sassmastress during the trip. She was pumping out the one-liners like nobody's business. But I think the best story my aunt relayed to me later when my grandmother started asking about my friend P. who drove down with me to keep me company (because my friends are amazing like that):

Grandmother: Is that her boyfriend?
Aunt: No mom, P. is gay.
Grandmother: Oh. (Pause) Does that mean he likes to laugh a lot?

death becomes her

(Note: I started this post on Sep 25 at about 7am, I am finishing it today, Oct 1)

I am up really early because I was having dreams about my grandfather. He died exactly a week ago today...to the minute actually. Death hasn't touched my life very many times, I've been lucky in that way I suppose. I've known people who have died but nobody I was particularly close to, this is my first "real" death. Not that I was particularly close to my grandfather, but he was consistently present in my life in a way that most people other than my immediate family have not been because of the circumstances in which I grew up.
Not to be terribly morbid or descriptive but I was present for the entire process of my grandfather's death, from hospital bed to casket.* I think that I'm handling it pretty well. It was not a huge surprise that grandpa wasn't going to be around much longer, he was 96. What's funny about the timing is that before he broke his hip, the cataclysmic event that started the whole process, he started to tell my grandmother than he wasn't going to be around for much longer. He told her he had a week left and a week later he fell. Various family members have told me that they began to dream about my grandfather. One of my uncles had a dream in which my grandfather came to him as his 35 year old self. My uncle said that he didn't recognize my grandfather but grandpa told him he was going home. My sister had a dream of my grandmother at almost the exact moment my grandfather passed on. In her dream she was looking around while she comforted my sobbing grandmother but she couldn't find our grandfather and when she woke up she knew he was gone. And I had my dream this morning, where my grandfather was in his death bed, but this time he recognized me (which I'm not sure he was able to do in the hospital) and told me he was going to be fine, that he was okay.
It's pretty amazing how connected we are in life and in death. But not necessarily in grieving. At least not in my family. Everybody grieved alone, throughout the entire thing. Family members went for long walks when they became overwhelmed. I don't think anybody really cried together, my family of stoics. It reminded me that I have chosen and am working on a life for myself where that needn't be the case, that solitary confinement of our emotional selves.
In the end, my grandfather will be remembered for being a great man. He loved his family, particularly his wife of almost 61 years. He loved his god. He loved people and people loved him right back. He understood concepts like hard work and integrity and sacrifice. But he knew how to have fun and could make almost anybody smile. I will always be sad that I didn't get to know him better, that I don't have more memories of him and with him, but I'm happy for the ones I do have.

*This weekend I am driving down to Oregon to help scatter his ashes, the final step in the physical process of my grandfather's death.

resurgence

I think blogging is making a comeback. The world of technological advancement moves so quickly that blogging is already considered retro. I have found old blogs that have been post-less for years with a random recent post about how long it's been since they've blogged. Maybe twittering gave us itch again, though I don't twitter...I haven't upgraded my phone to have such capabilities. There's just so much space in the world of the intertubes to express yourself. Maybe too much space? I have read that sociological theorists have concluded that people of this technological age are more self-involved than previous generations. And I read a few days ago that high school girls are very likely to post nudie pictures of themselves!!! Wow.
I for one am glad to see blogging make a comeback! I am trying to recommit myself to blogging more, but currently that's about as successful as recommiting myself to exercising again. I am still only partially through with my project of re-publishing my old blog, that is quite the undertaking. I am also excited to see other people blogging more. It's a nicer way to keep up to date with people I think.

pretty girls make graves

On Friday night, I hung out with a good friend and her friend, somebody I don't know particularly well but like. We had one of those exceedingly heavy nights where light-hearted conversation was nowhere to be found. At some point during the night, Z. says something along the lines of, "You're attractive. I bet that's made things easy for you." Whoah. I replied that, in actuality, the window of time with which I've been considered an "attractive" person has been relatively small and I often feel uncomfortable with comments about my appearance. Which then went into a whole different conversation about self-worth and accepting compliments an so on.
But I've actually been thinking quite a bit about the original comment, the perception that if you are attractive, life might be easier. I won't deny that there have been times where I have capitalized on my appearance. I've gotten a free drink or two in my time. I got to use the riding lawn mower during military days because the person in charge thought I was attractive while the rest of the guys had to lug around weed whackers. But again, I have never been "ideal" or fit into social models of attractiveness. And frankly have suffered because of that, fatness is probably the last totally acceptable form of discrimination.
I wish none of this mattered. I wish I didn't know that yes, in fact, being pretty is a benefit. I wish I didn't know how much my social standing is directly related, though inversely proportional, to my weight and pant size. I wish that I didn't have to worry about losing fifteen to twenty pounds to get a date. I wish that I have often thought that if I lost an arm or leg, I could go on with my life but if my face were disfigured I would want it to end.
So what to do about it?

there can only be one

I am a tactical observer of life. I know this to be true. I am always watching and evaluating, trying to piece together seemingly random occurences into my own postulations and eventually arriving at some pseudo-science sociological theory of behavior patterns. And I've come to one theory recently that I believe to be fairly accurate. And that is this; that girls at parties predominantly attended by gay men do not like to interact with one another. Now, one would assume that these girls WOULD hang out with one another because people often search out those that they often immediately identify with, in order to faciliate a modicum of comfortability. But I have noticed that this isn't the case, girls at such parties seem more like competing carnivores circling a herd of prey than a band of brethern (sisteren?). They mostly ignore one another while marking their territory, claiming rights to their friend groups. It's fierce and competitive this staking of hag-domain. I would almost daresay that it's even more competitive than girls seeking a lover. Because, well let's face it, in the world of relationships in the city, a gay man-straight girl combo has way more staying power.

work place hell

There is this incredibly annoying woman at work. And she HATES me. This is not an exaggeration either. She loathes me. And the thing is, I could care less whether or not she likes or dislikes me. I would, in fact, prefer that she totally leave me alone. I don't desire to talk with her or relate to her and frankly find her to be a lazy piece of poo who is a burden on our team rather than an asset. And the rest of the team also believe this to be true but because of a long past involving this woman and human resources and management, she appears to be virtually unfirable. But lately she has taken to finding subtle ways in which to harass me. She follows me on break almost every day. She eavesdrops on my conversations with other co-workers and then repeats them to other people. She also has said some incredibly stupid and vile things about me to a co-worker/friend who has since warned me to not say anything around her. But today I reached the end of my rope. If she were a good worker, I could overlook her evilness but she's not even that. So I reported her to my manager and said that I found her behavior harassing. And inappropriate. And uncalled for. And was basically told that it was my words against hers and what could they do? So now I don't know what to do. I know that she is hoping that I will freak out on her so she can remain the victim and I will get in trouble. So I won't play into her game. But at the same time, how am I to stand idly by while somebody harasses me, even on a subtle shallow level? It's not okay. I'm not sure what to do and clearly nothing is going to be done despite the fact that many people list her as one of the reasons they quit when they leave. It's BULLSHIT!

things i will expound on later...

but have to write down here so I don't forget.

1. girls at gay boy parties (See 7/1/09)
2. twenty something year old geminis (I am not going to expound on this one. Though history does seem to show my proclivity for wildly inappropriate flings with too young geminis who hide their douchebag twin in the beginning, I'm just going to let all of that go until I make that same mistake again)
3. therapy
4. old blogs (See 8/15/09)

conjoined

I've decided to merge my blogs into this one blog. So far I have carried over my relevant and not so relevent blogs from myspace over here and now have to grab a few things from facebook. The really hard work though is going to be getting my old blog up and republished. Whew...guess I should have thought a little more about deleting that! Luckily for me, I am taking the night off and just hanging out in the old apartment so I needed a project anyway. I'm hoping that getting old stuff up will motivate me to write more and about more things. We'll see how that goes. I'm also trying to go through and edit some posts, take out names and some of the more vulgar language. Just this tiny bit of work makes me realize that copy editors have difficult jobs. Whew.

chh-chh-chh-changes

When I moved back to Seattle about four years ago, I moved back knowing that I had to make changes, important changes. I knew that without making some kind of change, I would always lack the kind of intimacy and connection that I felt lacking in my life. And in these four years, I know that I have worked very hard and with all of my heart and soul to make these changes. And for a while, it seemed like the effort was rewarded by the kinds of changes I had hoped for. Then, because life doesn't exist in a vacuum of good intentions and desired outcomes, my life continued to change in ways that I didn't necessarily want (even if with a little time and perspective I see now that they were probably for the best). But despite the sallow period, I've tried to remain open and patient and go with the flow. I think I've made a heartfelt attempt to be grateful for the gifts I receive, to be patient when I want and hope for more than what actually happens, to accept things as they are, and just tried to be... But lately, I feel at more and more that this is too much. I feel exhausted and some days I have a hard time holding on to hope. I want to believe that I'm still trying, but maybe my patience is not what it used to be, and maybe now I'm doing it out of habit more than anything. Because lately, it feels like every time I try to stand up straight with my shoulders squared and my head held high...I get knocked back down. My patience is waning. My desire to change is waning. I often feel like my past is rearing its ugly head and I am not strong enough to hold out and fight the good fight. My hope that all of this will be fruitful is waning. And sometimes, I don't know what to do and that has been really scary for me. I don't know if I'm winning or losing any longer.

bound

Bravery and Hope are inescapably tied to Stupidity.

space saving

There is an undeniable trend amongst my younger lady friends. I've noticed a dramatic shift in body shape from "normal", curvy, & feminine to rail thin, adolescent, & almost boyish. No more are there breasts and hips and thighs. Now there are stick legs with thighs that don't graze, pre-pubescent breast buds, and SKINNY. I've always noticed a tendency in Seattle for rail thinness. We are after all a mecca for hipsters and skinny jeans. But there was always a bit of a buffer between that ideal and the acceptance of curviness in my friend group. That seems no longer the case however. I had dinner with a friend the other night who has gone from curves to angles recently and she spoke of her desire to be healthy and how this sometimes consumes her thinking. And seeing my newly skinny friends has definitely triggered something in me, I am not very excited by the image looking back at me in the mirror lately. As a woman who has struggled with her weight her entire life...having suffered eating disorders and self-worth questions...I just wish this need for validation via one's body wasn't so prevalent.

sillyness and smiles

I AM a fool. Of this I have no doubt. Sometimes this is acceptable behavior.

dammit

I am a fool. Of this I have no doubt.

words from the unwise

I had a long conversation on Sunday with a person who I have some inappropriate feelings for, inappropriate in that they aren't reciprocal not that they are bad in and of themselves. During this conversation, he explained to me the struggle he is experiencing in his life currently...a struggle I am quite familiar with. So as I tried to talk with him, admittedly my not being in my best state for heady discussion, it felt to me like he was not taking in anything I was saying. Which isn't to say that I have THE ANSWERS, because I most certainly do not. But I feel like I have enough experience and outlook to share some of my opinions and that they are valid. But it didn't matter, it wasn't me he wanted to hear these things from. He is waiting to hear this from somebody else, somebody who he has fingered as THE ONE. And what struck me about this situation is how we close ourselves off to others who are wanting to share with us. I know I do it, I experience others doing it to me, I see others do it to others. It makes me wonder what learning I've missed along the way while I closed myself off to hearing what people were saying to me, when I've shut myself off from particular people or the world in general. I wonder what I missed in this particular situation because I had closed myself off to his words and meanings when they weren't what I wanted to or was ready to hear. It certainly makes me think about my perspective and perception and how my ideas about life are developed and possibly distorted because I don't take it all in. Not that I think it's possible to take it ALL in. So what is truth? What is real?

hatorade

This past weekend a friend was attacked in a gay-bashing. Two men harassed him on the street late at night and when words were exchanged, these men attacked and beat my friend. He suffered some ugly injuries but walked away without having to visit the hospital. I don't know if the police think they can catch the men or not. My friend is an amazing man. He recently returned from a two year stint with a non-governmental organization working with people with HIV and AIDS in Africa. He's the kind of person you like almost immediately. He emanates positivity and love and compassion. So why him? Why would two men arbitrarily attack my friend? Why would they arbitrarily attack anybody for any reason? Because somehow think they've been given the right to judge people for living lives they don't accept? Because somehow they have some right to violence as a means of expressing that judgement? It was hard for me to have faith in humanity on the day I heard about the attack. It was hard for me to believe in love and hope knowing that these men and many like them are out there just waiting for the opportunity to be hatemongers. But seeing my friend later, I knew that letting those feelings overtake me wasn't the answer. There he stood with cuts and scratches and a swollen face and he smiled and was brave and still emanated love and compassion and positivity...after what he had been through. He reasserted my belief for faith in humanity and hope for love and a better world. Because these two men couldn't take that away from him with their hate so I won't either.

giggle fest

The best line of the day:

"I just keep thinking, if that's what it's really like, then I want herpes too."

unicorns santa claus and fairy dust

As we shuffle through this exercise known as life, we take on beliefs and values. We edit and remix them so that our lives make sense and have some meaning. But unless we are avid journalers or have an unflappable memory, we probably forget what we thought at any point in our evolution. So today, on this day, I am documenting some of these things that I believe.

• I believe in both destiny and choice. I don't believe these are conflicting ideas. I do believe that we have an ultimate destiny but that we are given choices during the course our lives to get us there. Sometimes this means we take the harder road, but eventually we will all get there.
• I believe that love is always the answer, we just have to find better questions.
• I believe that our humanity lies in the ability to love and sacrifice for that love. I believe that people often forget about the sacrifice part.
• I believe that people do not take the time to understand the subtle differences between self-aware and self-involved.
• I believe that you can have the best of intentions and the noblest of hearts but things will still not always work out the way you want. I believe that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.
• I believe that we should believe in something bigger than ourselves, something bigger than our place in the world.
• I believe that we will experience the same joys and the same pains innumerable times over the course our lives and each time it feels different though it's really just the circumstances that change.
• I believe that we should strive to have the hearts and minds we had when we were five years old...when no question was too silly to ask and nothing seemed impossible because we were totally present in our lives.
• I believe that people often choose people to love who they either want to be like or think will make them into the person they are meant to be. I also believe that this is the wrong approach and that people should choose those who they like...just the way they are.
• I believe that people want to forget that we are perfectly imperfect. We want to ignore the parts of us that are not ideal but we'll never be whole if we do. And besides...who got to decide what was ideal in the first place?
• I believe in honor and integrity. I'm starting to realize that this means very different things to different people and that is okay.
• I believe you should never give up. I am however learning the great value in letting go.
• I believe that the choices we make to better ourselves are hard to implement and take a lot of patience to see that it is working.
• I believe that timing is EVERYTHING.
• I believe that you should decide upon and set the rules and boundaries for your life but there should probably be an exception for them.

tardy detention

Timing in life really is everything. I remember when I was an adolescent telling my dad that I didn't want to have any plans in life, that having plans breeds disappointment, I was going to go through life letting life happen and flying by the seat of my pants. I think he might have told me that I was being stupid, everybody needed some kind of plan or direction. But I think the thirteen year old me knew something, even back then...you can have all of the plans and direction in the world but timing is EVERYTHING. My timing, quite frankly, sucks. Most likely because I'm incredibly impatient. I'm trying to work through the whole "I want what I want and I want it now" thing that I usually have going on, realizing that that attitude is often what brings me the biggest challenges and the greatest suffering. But learning patience is like learning to swim in thickening concrete sometimes.