chh-chh-chh-changes

When I moved back to Seattle about four years ago, I moved back knowing that I had to make changes, important changes. I knew that without making some kind of change, I would always lack the kind of intimacy and connection that I felt lacking in my life. And in these four years, I know that I have worked very hard and with all of my heart and soul to make these changes. And for a while, it seemed like the effort was rewarded by the kinds of changes I had hoped for. Then, because life doesn't exist in a vacuum of good intentions and desired outcomes, my life continued to change in ways that I didn't necessarily want (even if with a little time and perspective I see now that they were probably for the best). But despite the sallow period, I've tried to remain open and patient and go with the flow. I think I've made a heartfelt attempt to be grateful for the gifts I receive, to be patient when I want and hope for more than what actually happens, to accept things as they are, and just tried to be... But lately, I feel at more and more that this is too much. I feel exhausted and some days I have a hard time holding on to hope. I want to believe that I'm still trying, but maybe my patience is not what it used to be, and maybe now I'm doing it out of habit more than anything. Because lately, it feels like every time I try to stand up straight with my shoulders squared and my head held high...I get knocked back down. My patience is waning. My desire to change is waning. I often feel like my past is rearing its ugly head and I am not strong enough to hold out and fight the good fight. My hope that all of this will be fruitful is waning. And sometimes, I don't know what to do and that has been really scary for me. I don't know if I'm winning or losing any longer.