thin red line

So the saying goes...its a thin line between love and hate. And I truly believe this to be 150% true. When I look at Will's and my relationship, or serious lack thereof, I think "damn how did it go so wrong so quick?" I am either a terrible judge of character to have actually thought that he was the guy I might be able to do the (insert adverb) ever after thing with...or people will mislead you a million different ways to make you think that they are one person only to reveal later that they are not that person at all, but a twisted version of it instead. Then I wonder why I sit here negotiating with myself about why I shouldn't just cut this whole marriage thing loose...money blah blah blah, being lonely blah blah blah (which shouldn't matter anyway because I have been lonely for the last three years), being alone blah blah blah, putting certain needs before others blah blah blah, some nostalgic need to hold on blah blah blah, pressure to not be a failure blah blah blah. I think of some of my friends who just cut the fucking cord and they didn't bleed to death, and I envy them for having the strength and will to do that. Maybe I am the one making this way too complicated, and it is not a matter of jumping head first into a dark lake...because I will certainly never be able to jump head first when I am constantly looking back.