chaucer is my daddy

My life is a satire. So the W is supposed to be leaving today, they came and picked up his stuff yesterday, we were sad and sniveling and preparing...THEN BAM he falls off this gerry-rigged landing outside of the shed trying to do some last minute "honey-do" bullshit and falls flat on his back. Four hours after that we are calling an ambulance and going to the ER. He sprained/strained some muscles and pinched some of the sciatic nerves. FUN, when I hurt my back years ago keeping a patient from falling, I couldn't even sit on the toilet for two days. At any rate he certainly can't do an 8-hr road trip and won't be leaving until Saturday or Sunday now. Ohhhhh, life and all its complications, if I could right about now, I would give life the finger.

this isn't your mom's ms. magazine

I finally got my first issue of Bust Magazine. It freakin' took forever. I subscribed in like June but then I had to wait for the fall issue to come out and then it took a while to get my magazine. It is a pretty cool magazine, this issue has PJ Harvey on the cover. Bust definitely has a Riotgrrl kind of vibe. Of course bust.com is where I discovered the notorious vegan porno site and lo and behold on page 131...an ad for vegporn.com the "first and only adult site made by fun and frisky vegetarians and vegans!" Apparently they are also introducing "vegsexshop.com with sexy vegan and natural products." Yeah you know what, I haven't visited the site yet but seriously you can't fool me, I can get a cucumber at Kroeger and won't have to pay the shipping fees. Geez man, vegan/natural sex shop stuff...WTF!!!

too much of a coincidence?

So now that we are all on the same page about the quick demise of my wedded un-bliss, I have started thinking about the seemingly large number of relationships that have ended this year. Let's see at work I am one of four couples who are divorced or divorcing. Of my friends, I found out a few days ago that one marriage is in serious peril. My friend broke up with a long-term partner recently. A girl who I was class-friends with was in the midst of a separation the last time I talked to her (I don't know what the status is now, but I doubt they worked it out). Another friend split with her husband earlier in the year. Plus I hear the phrase "That's it, it is OVER" a lot. So what the hell is the deal here? Are the moons and planets lined up just so this year so that relationships are ending at really high rate? Is there so much stress in the world right now that it is impossible to hold a relationship together? Am I the grim-reaper of relationships (I actually like this idea, the idea of this much POWER gives me a metaphorical woody)? It seems strange that this relationship combustion seems to be happening all at once. On a side note, I need to go shopping and buy a divorce outfit. I need something to wear to court. Of course I don't want to go spend a lot of dough because frankly I will probably want to burn the outfit when I'm done with it...I wonder if they have a court-friendly section at Wal-mart or Target?

smartypants

So I was checking out the Intertel and Mensa websites to see what the qualifications are for being a certified super smart genius. I think my dad told me once that I tested out pretty high on an IQ test once, but that could be a figment of my imagination...I am convinced that sometimes I make up my own memories. But at any rate I don't have any documentation of such testing and other than online tests I really have no idea what my IQ is. However, according to the SAT and Army GT score standard, I am SO not Intertel material. My ACTs would make me a Mensa candidate but I took them during the N/A timeframe. But in the long run it doesn't really matter whether or not I am smart enough for these groups because there is a guy at work who is a member a Mensa and he has the social skills of Rainman and frankly he has an uncanny resemblance to Dexter from Dexter's Lab.

downward spiral

So, the official part of the split has begun. Who knew how labor intensive it would be? Certainly not me. So much paperwork, stacks upon stacks of things I have to do within the next seven business days...much of it to be completed by next Tuesday. My checklist is long and ardous and every check makes part of me die just a little bit. Still haven't really officially told anybody other than my parents and a very limited number of people at school. What surprises me is that people are surprised...but then again I was a little surprised myself so I can't hold it against anybody. My mother is going to tell my brother and sister, I guess that makes me a coward for not facing my own firing squad. I still haven't written the email and I don't know when I'll get around to it, I probably should do it because it must be weird for people to read it here. The thing that amazes me about this whole thing is how fast it all is, when there is no property or children involved you can be dissoluted within a month...imagine that, one little month, thirty short days can legally wipe out six years and turn it into some dream I have just awoken from. I believe that I am in a denial stage and I know it, I want to stay here as long as possible because I dread moving into a stage of reality and acceptance and the emotional rape that I will inevitably suffer. I feel like I may be the saddest little girl on the planet.

and so the other shoe goes drop

Well, the day has finally come. I've been anticapating it for the last year or so, but somehow I still managed to be surprised at the thought that I will soon be Lisa M. again instead of the Lisa M.L. I have been for the last six years. The other has gotten a job out of state and rather than go for the Hail Mary, one final last ditch effort at making it work, we decided to just get all Nike about it and just do it. Yes, I am talking about the big D, the D that makes me a 1 out of 2 statistic. The weird thing is that I'm not having much trouble writing this situation onto some vaguely anonymous strip of cyberspace, but I have started and restarted an email to my friends and family and haven't been able to finish it, much less press send. So those of you that read it here and not from me personally, I just couldn't do it in a personal tete-a-tete kind of way. For some reason that hurts a lot more. Besides I don't know how many times I can listen to "Time heals all wounds" "You're better off" "Are you okay? How are you really doing?" "If you need anything, I'm here for you" before I lose my mind. Not that I don't want to hear those things, I think I can't hear those things right now. My wound is fresh, a gaping and glistening scrap of mutilated flesh. I know I'll get over it, I have to...but right now I want to get in bed, pull the covers over my head, squeeze my eyes shut, close my hands tight about my ears, and not emerge again until Spring.

moe knows baseball

We went to this place Moe's. It was okay, it tasted a lot like a million other Southwest fast food restaraunts I've been to like Qdobas, Baja Fresh, Maui Taco, etc etc etc. But the kinda cool thing about Moe's is their menu. The names of all the foods are pop culture movie/television references. So here is the list and the ones I know. If you know any others or if I am wrong, let me know in the comments.

Burritos:
Joey Bag of Donuts-I really have no idea
Triple Lindy-Ahhh Rodney Dangerfield's signature dive in Back to School
Homewrecker-uhhhh, I dunno.
Art Vandalay-George Constanza's alter-ego in Seinfeld
Tacos:
The Full Monty-bunch of unemployed blokes who become strippers for cash and promise to show winky and the twins.
The Other Lewinsky-hmmmm, maybe a reference to Monica. If so then putting it in the tacos section is about as subtle as getting hit by a bus.
The Ugly Naked Guy-According to a reader, this is a Friends reference, apparently a nudist neighbor of Monica and Rachel.
Quesidillas:
Sherman Klump-ahhh Eddie Murphy as a fat but lovable college professor whose family wipes out an all-you-can-eat restaraunt.
John Coctostan-somebody told me this was a Fletch reference, but I haven't seen this movie since I was about 10 years old so I'll have to take their word for it.
I Said Posse-I know this is a punchline for a ton of jokes, but isn't it also a quote from Blazing Saddles?
Nachos:
Ruprict-hahaha, Steve Martin plays Ruprict the monkey boy in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, I love this movie.
Billy Barou-A reader clued me in to this one as well, although I'm a little ashamed that I didn't know it. This is a Caddyshack reference, it is the golf club used by the Judge while putting in the final round.
Salads:
Pinky Tuscadero-this name has something to do the Fonz, although for a while I thought it might have been the girl Danny dates in Grease, but that's Cha-Cha.
Close Talker-another Seinfeld reference, although I can't remember if this is better or worse than the low-talker.
Fajitas:
Alfredo Garcia-nope, I got nothing.
Fat Sam-I know this is Fletch reference, I actually do remember that.
Kid's Menu:
Puff the Magic Dragon-a song, a movie, a reference to marijuana...you can choose, although the funniest bit about this is probably from Meet the Parents
Moo Moo Mr. Cow-yeah...I don't know.
Mini-Me-an Austin Powers reference obviously, although in part three we discover that he is better known as tripod.

super fun facts for absolutely no reason

I took out a bunch of questions though because there were a lot and a lot of them were stupid.

name: lisam
birth date: november 9th
birthplace: pusan (or busan), korea
current location: louisville, kentucky (somewhere between hell and chicago)
eye color: dark brown, not much difference between my iris and pupil
hair color: dark brown, with light brown and blond artfully intermingling (thank you aveda)
height: somewhere between 5'7" and 5'8"
righty or lefty: righty, my left arm is only for decoration and balance since it is completly useless and cannot function properly
zodiac sign: scorpio, a water sign that says i was born to be the bitch i am today
your heritage: korean, irish, cherokee (a sign of my impending alcoholism)
shoes you wore today: sandals and then slip-on sneakers for work
your weakness: i take people for their word, in other words i am a SUCKER
your fears: intimacy, failure, embarassing myself
goal you'd like to achieve: travel in ~10 countries in europe, ~4 in asia
your most overused phrase: fuck
your first waking thoughts: is it noon already?
your best physical feature: cho-cho lips baby
your most missed memory: i don't miss my memories because they're always there
pepsi or coke: coke
mcdonald's or burger king: i'm lovin' it
single or group dates: date??? what is this odd word and what does it mean?
adidas or nike: puma
chocolate or vanilla: chocolate...once you go brown...
smoke: secretly...shhhhhhhhh (we are just talking about cigarettes here right?)
cuss: like a sailor raised in a whorehouse next door to the tourette's institute
take a shower everyday: um, i've been known to miss one every once in a while
do you think you've been in love: what is love really?
want to get married: been there done that, and i'm still trying to figure out what the fucking point of that whole institution is
believe in yourself: of course, i am perfect
get motion sickness: yes i am always on the verge of vomitting in any moving object
think you're attractive: i'm as good as it gets
like thunderstorms: yes, the potential for mayhem is always thrilling
ever...
played a game that required removal of clothing: yes i have played this game on many an occassion
if so, was it mixed company: racially, sexually, sexual identitially, speciesally, gonna need more specifics to answer this question
been trashed or extremely intoxicated: so much so that i really don't even know the answer to this question
been caught "doing something": "doing something?" does that mean fucking? i refuse to answer this question until somebody explains in great detail what "doing something" is the euphamism for, seriously was this written by a 14 year old? even i did better surveys than this at that age.

good times, good times

This is my favorite part of my week. Just got off of my 3rd shift and have taken an Ambien so I am nice and pharmaceutically enhanced. I feel calm and relaxed and everything seems so nice and shiny (even though the reptilian hands are back). I wish I felt like this all the time, I would have a completely different life experience...I would be a completely different person. I might be somebody....HAPPY (an inconceivable thought I know). So this is what I am doing while stoned. I managed to figure out all of the correct movie titles by playing it over and over and over until I got the right answer and then writing them down. But for some reason I can't get in to the high score bracket. I think I need to be quicker on the draw.
Did I mention the hot guy at the art fair? I wish I was some hot-ass chick with oodles of sex-appeal so that I could just totally go up to him and turn him into a love slave. But I can't for many many reasons. I'm too shy (which somehow people read as bitchy and aloof), too "big-boned" (which is hard to meet men in general and artsy men are totally into way waifish androgynous girls, if they even like girls in the first place), too uncool (because I don't care what cool is anymore), too abrasive (like an SOS pad used with Comet cleaner), too mean (cause honesty is mean apparently), too tooo toooo tooooo toooooo...reading this you would think I have low self-esteem and that's not true. I have lots of esteem for myself, I think I'm awesome. Its just that I don't have a lot of esteem in how others are going to judge me. But I like me so I don't change and since I don't change others don't like me. It's a full assault on my and their esteem of me. The battle royale has been waging for many years.

art fair

We went to the 48th Annual St. James Art Fair today (totally skipped classes to go but that's another story). It was pretty cool I guess. There was some good stuff and there was some really bad stuff, the majority of it was overpriced. I saw some great bracelets but they cost way too much. I did notice that there was a serious obsession with the vagina and nekkid women (although I guess that has ALWAYS been the case with art). There were several photographers and sculptors who had pictures of and sculptures of orchids and other assorted flowers displayed in such a way as to appear totally genital. It reminded me of an episode of "Sex in the City" where some artist paints Charlotte's puss-ee. But there was no male genitalia obsessed counterpart of pictures and such, which is sad because I enjoy good phallic art as much as I enjoy artistic crotch shots of women. There was this one guy who had a tent whose art was so incredibly different than everybody elses. He had this demented art of big corpulent pigs and creepy looking children's toys. One picture of a pig had a poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like Peanut Butter
Do you skate?
I liked his stuff the most, and the artist (or whoever was in the tent) was really hot. So he gets points for not quite fitting into the theme of the rest of the fair but for being sexy as hell. I should have gotten a business card.

sweet homecoming

Yes, it is finally back in my loving arms, my laptop. Oh how I missed it! But it needs a lot of TLC, all my applications need to be reinstalled. I stayed up most of the night fixing iTunes and today we got the stuff I needed for school and virus/ad-ware protection up and running. My puppies are being neglected for this mass of metal. I haven't decided whether to put The Sims back on it though. I haven't played it in a while and it takes up quite a bit of the old hard-drive since I have all the expansion packs (damn those E-bay software pirates and their cheap prices and unreadable Thai packaging and directions)...but I did pay that extra money for the hacks so I can make my naked gay Sims families and my Sims whorehouse (complete with bell-bottom, elevator shoe wearin Pimp who I usually name Rosco). It is a conundrum.

reading is fundamental

I am trying really really hard to finish my weekly readings for my Body and Popular Media class, a women's studies course of course. This week we are reading about pornography. You would think considering my obsession-lite with all things pornographic that I would be totally engrossed in the readings. But alas, leave it to feminist academics to make even porn boring as shit. I mean jesus, it is really DULL stuff, although there was an article that almost valorized Larry Flynt which was interesting, mostly because of the visuals associated with sentences including "gaping-orifices." I wonder the exact point of time when students who probably were just semi-normal turn the tide and become academics? Is there some brain hemorrhaging involved because I am sure that when they were undergrads they didn't write boring vitriolic migraine-inducing essays (vitriolic...good word huh...I had to look it up before I put it in here to make sure it meant what I thought it meant, and frankly it really doesn't but I was impressed I could fit it into a cohesive sentence). I think that before you get your PhD there is a round of electro-shock-therapy before you can receive your credentials. At any rate, let me return to the feminist analysis of the Playboy Pet of the Month...its an analysis of the centerfold spread, the part where the girls write their likes and dislikes...you know the part guys ignore and the part that makes me laugh really hard.

weekend update

Okay, I am still sans computer. It is actually starting to become painful. Not a lot is going on. I had a whole "the L world" marathon this weekend on Showtime On-Demand. That is a really cool show, although the last few episodes had this woman who looks remarkably like a person that I've recently stopped being friends with (haven't REALLY figured out why but that is the enigma of relationships I guess). I'm noticing that sort of trend in my life though, whenever a relationship (no matter the level: friendly or romantic or sexual or etc) ends there are these weird coincidental reminders of that person all over the place. So is there some weird cosmic coincidence going on or am I just pulling these connections out of my ass?
I didn't go to class today, I just couldn't deal with the thought of going there, sitting around a bunch of twenty-year olds who think they know it all and haven't realized that I KNOW IT ALL (hehehe) pretending to be thinking critically about the causes of urban political dependence on the global market economy and what that does to certain racial groups in a society that racializes poverty but never talks about it in terms of class blah blah blah, and then trying to figure out how to say "I live next door to the Chinese restaurant and far from the library" in Mandarin. It is just too much to deal with when certain aspects of my life (other than my great new hairdo) are crumbling around me like some ancient Greek sculpture exposed to too much toxic polluted rain.
I think I need to quit secret smoking (again)...although it hasn't been much of a secret lately. My lungs are starting to protest...I'm pretty sure I coughed up a pleura last night.

hairspray

So today I went and got a new do. I got bangs!!! Now I have the requisite Japanese/Korean girls' haircut...all shaggy and colored and straight. I didn't plan on it, I didn't ask for it, but that is what I have. And you know what...I LOVE IT!!! I feel really fresh right now, and no it didn't involve Massengil. I love how a new do makes you feel kind of different, I have had the same look for at least 2/3rds of my life, and this is the 4th time I've tried bangs. We'll see how long I can stand it this time though. My shortest record: 1 day before I decided to grow it back...my longest 4-5 months.
I have to take back what I said about the "Authorized Service Providers," they are really nice men who are very helpful and I didn't see not one in a bathrobe, that was a past experience though. I actually haven't seen these guys at all because ummm...somebody else dropped it off. I hope I get my laptop back tomorrow. I called them this morning to tell them to save all of my Sims stuff, I don't think it gets any dorkier than that.

broken

SOB, my computer is BROKEN. I had to freakin' take it to an "authorized service provider" which means dirty hairy stinky man in his bathrobe who I wouldn't trust with a dollar much less my computer. I don't even know if this will fix my problem, I may have to start my window's from scratch and lose EVERYTHING in my memory. I have never been so disgusted with Microsoft...stupid stupid stupid service pack. ROT IN HELL BILL GATES!!! I might lose all my music and porno and school stuff cause I don't back up. I swear, I know so many computer people you would think it would rub off on me.

sunny days, sweeping the clouds away

Wow, today is such a beautiful day. I went and walked my doggies for like an hour at the park. I was surprised not a lot of other people were out there doing it. I guess the hurricanes didn't reach all the way up to Kentucky, so that's good. I've gotten the hurricane thing figured out though, I was looking at this map of the 2000 election results...and well I'll just leave it at this...you aren't hearing about any weird Acts of God in Wisconsin.

margaret cho and omas

My mom is an incredibly funny woman, though most people don't get to see that side of her. She is always making me laugh when I talk to her because she is so brutally honest. That is one woman who does not mince words. Sometimes I'm amazed at the relationship I have with my mom now because we didn't have such a great one when I was living at home. But either she is a completely different person now that her kids are grown and my parents are split or I am completely different now that I'm "on my own." But anyway, she's just too funny and its even funnier because people think she is so polite and ________ (fill in the blank with any bad Asian stereotype), but she's a whip. Whenever I talk to her I inevitably think about Margaret Cho's comedy routines. But other than "Assmaster" Margaret's mom has nothin' on my mama.

time keeps on ticking

GRATEFUL KISS- Lance Corp. Shawn Hicks of Arizona gets a kiss from a grateful Iraqi man as they celebrate the arrival of American troops in central Baghdad on April 9th.

What a different different world we live in, just over one year ago this picture was taken. I wonder if pictures like this make war justifiable for some people. Unlike pictures like this.

franken

So what does Stuart Smalley have to say about George W. Bush? Click here to find out.
As usual I stole this link from another site, and I am completely violating online etiquette by not giving credit to the person that posted this link first. I am like the blogger version a person who secretly passes gas in an elevator, totally uncouth and somebody everybody is disgusted with, but nobody knows who do it so they can't do anything about it, except look around accusingly (is that a word?)...accusatorily...with accusation...oh you get the gist.

the internet, a bevy of banality

Sometimes I really have to question the world we live in. Of all the things people could put on the internet, I think this may be one of the stupidest ever. Of course I ended up finding it, but I swear it was a link on a feminist-magazine. My guess is none of the people on this site swallow. Because they are after all vegan, and if they won't drink milk...well you know what I'm saying.