resurgence

I think blogging is making a comeback. The world of technological advancement moves so quickly that blogging is already considered retro. I have found old blogs that have been post-less for years with a random recent post about how long it's been since they've blogged. Maybe twittering gave us itch again, though I don't twitter...I haven't upgraded my phone to have such capabilities. There's just so much space in the world of the intertubes to express yourself. Maybe too much space? I have read that sociological theorists have concluded that people of this technological age are more self-involved than previous generations. And I read a few days ago that high school girls are very likely to post nudie pictures of themselves!!! Wow.
I for one am glad to see blogging make a comeback! I am trying to recommit myself to blogging more, but currently that's about as successful as recommiting myself to exercising again. I am still only partially through with my project of re-publishing my old blog, that is quite the undertaking. I am also excited to see other people blogging more. It's a nicer way to keep up to date with people I think.

pretty girls make graves

On Friday night, I hung out with a good friend and her friend, somebody I don't know particularly well but like. We had one of those exceedingly heavy nights where light-hearted conversation was nowhere to be found. At some point during the night, Z. says something along the lines of, "You're attractive. I bet that's made things easy for you." Whoah. I replied that, in actuality, the window of time with which I've been considered an "attractive" person has been relatively small and I often feel uncomfortable with comments about my appearance. Which then went into a whole different conversation about self-worth and accepting compliments an so on.
But I've actually been thinking quite a bit about the original comment, the perception that if you are attractive, life might be easier. I won't deny that there have been times where I have capitalized on my appearance. I've gotten a free drink or two in my time. I got to use the riding lawn mower during military days because the person in charge thought I was attractive while the rest of the guys had to lug around weed whackers. But again, I have never been "ideal" or fit into social models of attractiveness. And frankly have suffered because of that, fatness is probably the last totally acceptable form of discrimination.
I wish none of this mattered. I wish I didn't know that yes, in fact, being pretty is a benefit. I wish I didn't know how much my social standing is directly related, though inversely proportional, to my weight and pant size. I wish that I didn't have to worry about losing fifteen to twenty pounds to get a date. I wish that I have often thought that if I lost an arm or leg, I could go on with my life but if my face were disfigured I would want it to end.
So what to do about it?

there can only be one

I am a tactical observer of life. I know this to be true. I am always watching and evaluating, trying to piece together seemingly random occurences into my own postulations and eventually arriving at some pseudo-science sociological theory of behavior patterns. And I've come to one theory recently that I believe to be fairly accurate. And that is this; that girls at parties predominantly attended by gay men do not like to interact with one another. Now, one would assume that these girls WOULD hang out with one another because people often search out those that they often immediately identify with, in order to faciliate a modicum of comfortability. But I have noticed that this isn't the case, girls at such parties seem more like competing carnivores circling a herd of prey than a band of brethern (sisteren?). They mostly ignore one another while marking their territory, claiming rights to their friend groups. It's fierce and competitive this staking of hag-domain. I would almost daresay that it's even more competitive than girls seeking a lover. Because, well let's face it, in the world of relationships in the city, a gay man-straight girl combo has way more staying power.

work place hell

There is this incredibly annoying woman at work. And she HATES me. This is not an exaggeration either. She loathes me. And the thing is, I could care less whether or not she likes or dislikes me. I would, in fact, prefer that she totally leave me alone. I don't desire to talk with her or relate to her and frankly find her to be a lazy piece of poo who is a burden on our team rather than an asset. And the rest of the team also believe this to be true but because of a long past involving this woman and human resources and management, she appears to be virtually unfirable. But lately she has taken to finding subtle ways in which to harass me. She follows me on break almost every day. She eavesdrops on my conversations with other co-workers and then repeats them to other people. She also has said some incredibly stupid and vile things about me to a co-worker/friend who has since warned me to not say anything around her. But today I reached the end of my rope. If she were a good worker, I could overlook her evilness but she's not even that. So I reported her to my manager and said that I found her behavior harassing. And inappropriate. And uncalled for. And was basically told that it was my words against hers and what could they do? So now I don't know what to do. I know that she is hoping that I will freak out on her so she can remain the victim and I will get in trouble. So I won't play into her game. But at the same time, how am I to stand idly by while somebody harasses me, even on a subtle shallow level? It's not okay. I'm not sure what to do and clearly nothing is going to be done despite the fact that many people list her as one of the reasons they quit when they leave. It's BULLSHIT!

things i will expound on later...

but have to write down here so I don't forget.

1. girls at gay boy parties (See 7/1/09)
2. twenty something year old geminis (I am not going to expound on this one. Though history does seem to show my proclivity for wildly inappropriate flings with too young geminis who hide their douchebag twin in the beginning, I'm just going to let all of that go until I make that same mistake again)
3. therapy
4. old blogs (See 8/15/09)

conjoined

I've decided to merge my blogs into this one blog. So far I have carried over my relevant and not so relevent blogs from myspace over here and now have to grab a few things from facebook. The really hard work though is going to be getting my old blog up and republished. Whew...guess I should have thought a little more about deleting that! Luckily for me, I am taking the night off and just hanging out in the old apartment so I needed a project anyway. I'm hoping that getting old stuff up will motivate me to write more and about more things. We'll see how that goes. I'm also trying to go through and edit some posts, take out names and some of the more vulgar language. Just this tiny bit of work makes me realize that copy editors have difficult jobs. Whew.

chh-chh-chh-changes

When I moved back to Seattle about four years ago, I moved back knowing that I had to make changes, important changes. I knew that without making some kind of change, I would always lack the kind of intimacy and connection that I felt lacking in my life. And in these four years, I know that I have worked very hard and with all of my heart and soul to make these changes. And for a while, it seemed like the effort was rewarded by the kinds of changes I had hoped for. Then, because life doesn't exist in a vacuum of good intentions and desired outcomes, my life continued to change in ways that I didn't necessarily want (even if with a little time and perspective I see now that they were probably for the best). But despite the sallow period, I've tried to remain open and patient and go with the flow. I think I've made a heartfelt attempt to be grateful for the gifts I receive, to be patient when I want and hope for more than what actually happens, to accept things as they are, and just tried to be... But lately, I feel at more and more that this is too much. I feel exhausted and some days I have a hard time holding on to hope. I want to believe that I'm still trying, but maybe my patience is not what it used to be, and maybe now I'm doing it out of habit more than anything. Because lately, it feels like every time I try to stand up straight with my shoulders squared and my head held high...I get knocked back down. My patience is waning. My desire to change is waning. I often feel like my past is rearing its ugly head and I am not strong enough to hold out and fight the good fight. My hope that all of this will be fruitful is waning. And sometimes, I don't know what to do and that has been really scary for me. I don't know if I'm winning or losing any longer.

bound

Bravery and Hope are inescapably tied to Stupidity.

space saving

There is an undeniable trend amongst my younger lady friends. I've noticed a dramatic shift in body shape from "normal", curvy, & feminine to rail thin, adolescent, & almost boyish. No more are there breasts and hips and thighs. Now there are stick legs with thighs that don't graze, pre-pubescent breast buds, and SKINNY. I've always noticed a tendency in Seattle for rail thinness. We are after all a mecca for hipsters and skinny jeans. But there was always a bit of a buffer between that ideal and the acceptance of curviness in my friend group. That seems no longer the case however. I had dinner with a friend the other night who has gone from curves to angles recently and she spoke of her desire to be healthy and how this sometimes consumes her thinking. And seeing my newly skinny friends has definitely triggered something in me, I am not very excited by the image looking back at me in the mirror lately. As a woman who has struggled with her weight her entire life...having suffered eating disorders and self-worth questions...I just wish this need for validation via one's body wasn't so prevalent.

sillyness and smiles

I AM a fool. Of this I have no doubt. Sometimes this is acceptable behavior.

dammit

I am a fool. Of this I have no doubt.

words from the unwise

I had a long conversation on Sunday with a person who I have some inappropriate feelings for, inappropriate in that they aren't reciprocal not that they are bad in and of themselves. During this conversation, he explained to me the struggle he is experiencing in his life currently...a struggle I am quite familiar with. So as I tried to talk with him, admittedly my not being in my best state for heady discussion, it felt to me like he was not taking in anything I was saying. Which isn't to say that I have THE ANSWERS, because I most certainly do not. But I feel like I have enough experience and outlook to share some of my opinions and that they are valid. But it didn't matter, it wasn't me he wanted to hear these things from. He is waiting to hear this from somebody else, somebody who he has fingered as THE ONE. And what struck me about this situation is how we close ourselves off to others who are wanting to share with us. I know I do it, I experience others doing it to me, I see others do it to others. It makes me wonder what learning I've missed along the way while I closed myself off to hearing what people were saying to me, when I've shut myself off from particular people or the world in general. I wonder what I missed in this particular situation because I had closed myself off to his words and meanings when they weren't what I wanted to or was ready to hear. It certainly makes me think about my perspective and perception and how my ideas about life are developed and possibly distorted because I don't take it all in. Not that I think it's possible to take it ALL in. So what is truth? What is real?

hatorade

This past weekend a friend was attacked in a gay-bashing. Two men harassed him on the street late at night and when words were exchanged, these men attacked and beat my friend. He suffered some ugly injuries but walked away without having to visit the hospital. I don't know if the police think they can catch the men or not. My friend is an amazing man. He recently returned from a two year stint with a non-governmental organization working with people with HIV and AIDS in Africa. He's the kind of person you like almost immediately. He emanates positivity and love and compassion. So why him? Why would two men arbitrarily attack my friend? Why would they arbitrarily attack anybody for any reason? Because somehow think they've been given the right to judge people for living lives they don't accept? Because somehow they have some right to violence as a means of expressing that judgement? It was hard for me to have faith in humanity on the day I heard about the attack. It was hard for me to believe in love and hope knowing that these men and many like them are out there just waiting for the opportunity to be hatemongers. But seeing my friend later, I knew that letting those feelings overtake me wasn't the answer. There he stood with cuts and scratches and a swollen face and he smiled and was brave and still emanated love and compassion and positivity...after what he had been through. He reasserted my belief for faith in humanity and hope for love and a better world. Because these two men couldn't take that away from him with their hate so I won't either.

giggle fest

The best line of the day:

"I just keep thinking, if that's what it's really like, then I want herpes too."

unicorns santa claus and fairy dust

As we shuffle through this exercise known as life, we take on beliefs and values. We edit and remix them so that our lives make sense and have some meaning. But unless we are avid journalers or have an unflappable memory, we probably forget what we thought at any point in our evolution. So today, on this day, I am documenting some of these things that I believe.

• I believe in both destiny and choice. I don't believe these are conflicting ideas. I do believe that we have an ultimate destiny but that we are given choices during the course our lives to get us there. Sometimes this means we take the harder road, but eventually we will all get there.
• I believe that love is always the answer, we just have to find better questions.
• I believe that our humanity lies in the ability to love and sacrifice for that love. I believe that people often forget about the sacrifice part.
• I believe that people do not take the time to understand the subtle differences between self-aware and self-involved.
• I believe that you can have the best of intentions and the noblest of hearts but things will still not always work out the way you want. I believe that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.
• I believe that we should believe in something bigger than ourselves, something bigger than our place in the world.
• I believe that we will experience the same joys and the same pains innumerable times over the course our lives and each time it feels different though it's really just the circumstances that change.
• I believe that we should strive to have the hearts and minds we had when we were five years old...when no question was too silly to ask and nothing seemed impossible because we were totally present in our lives.
• I believe that people often choose people to love who they either want to be like or think will make them into the person they are meant to be. I also believe that this is the wrong approach and that people should choose those who they like...just the way they are.
• I believe that people want to forget that we are perfectly imperfect. We want to ignore the parts of us that are not ideal but we'll never be whole if we do. And besides...who got to decide what was ideal in the first place?
• I believe in honor and integrity. I'm starting to realize that this means very different things to different people and that is okay.
• I believe you should never give up. I am however learning the great value in letting go.
• I believe that the choices we make to better ourselves are hard to implement and take a lot of patience to see that it is working.
• I believe that timing is EVERYTHING.
• I believe that you should decide upon and set the rules and boundaries for your life but there should probably be an exception for them.

tardy detention

Timing in life really is everything. I remember when I was an adolescent telling my dad that I didn't want to have any plans in life, that having plans breeds disappointment, I was going to go through life letting life happen and flying by the seat of my pants. I think he might have told me that I was being stupid, everybody needed some kind of plan or direction. But I think the thirteen year old me knew something, even back then...you can have all of the plans and direction in the world but timing is EVERYTHING. My timing, quite frankly, sucks. Most likely because I'm incredibly impatient. I'm trying to work through the whole "I want what I want and I want it now" thing that I usually have going on, realizing that that attitude is often what brings me the biggest challenges and the greatest suffering. But learning patience is like learning to swim in thickening concrete sometimes.

two of hearts

Love. Jesus. I spend far too much of my time contemplating love, in all of its forms. But lately I think my focus has been on romantic love...probably a little too much of my focus. But that tends to happen over the holidays when I'm feeling a little too sentimental. And it tends to happen when feeling like I am surrounded by friends with new steadies who are positively drowning in new relationship energy. And then conversely seeing the aftershocks from breakups of several long term relationships. And then quietly observing people staying in relationships that shouldn't necessarily continue. And watching the ex interact with his new love. And having an all-to-brief and not necessarily wise "fling" with somebody I've been infatuated with for years and ending up with a serious case of unrequited...well not love but something that feels more intense than like.
Love. Jesus. So effing complicated. But why? It's the one thing that almost everybody wants. So why is it so difficult, so elusive, so seemingly unsustainable? I imagine it's because most of us have learned that love should be tailored to our individual needs. And if the chances of picking six random numbers are 1 in 53 million...what by god are the chances of finding that one complementary person out there out of the billions? And if you think you've found that person, there is certainly no guarantee that they think they've found that person in you. And even if you both think that way, who's to say that you'll believe that in a month or a year or ten years? Ugh.
Is it too late to give it all up for monastery life?

the robots are coming

I remember reading about a phenomenon when the iPod first came out years and years ago. Apparently at some point a person and their iPod will experience some level of emotional, spiritual, and psychological synchronicity, a marriage of a living soul and a memory chip. Once this happens, the iPod (mine having assumed the identity Em-Three in all her pink and shiny glory) will play music FOR the listener not just because that's what happens when you press play. It will go through the playlist and specifically choose the songs to facilitate the soundtrack of the user's life. I experienced this with my old iPod mini, a dinosaur relic in the iPod family. I've just re-experienced this union with my new iPod. Of the thousands of songs on my iPod, Em-three has been playing some incredibly obscure songs and songs that have never played before to match my mood. It's quite an amazing feeling to hear a song you didn't even know you had and that song being absolutely pin point perfect for that exact moment in time. It's like the beginnings of some sci-fi short story. I guess that means the future leader of all things will be Steve Jobs.

bring out the best foods

I hate mayonnaise. I hate it with a passion rivaled only by my passions for Johnny Depp and out of town boys. In the matter of two days, I have been bamboozled by sandwich and hamburger companies into eating the goopy egg-slop that reminds me of a nasty phlegm-wad. Last night I ate a greasy-grease burger, a necessity after a night of drinking, and though I wanted the divine sounding deluxe burger...I opted for the cheeseburger instead because the deluxe came with mayo. But they had sleathely slathered mayo on my burger anyway...bastards, totally put a dent in my buzz. Then today I decided that I couldn't eat crackers and peanut butter for another four day stretch, so I went to the grocery store and picked up some nibbles, including a deli sandwich. I should have known that something was amiss when I noticed there weren't individual little packets of condiments that most sandwiches have. What a way to ruin a perfectly good turkey sandwich, a ton of icky-icky mayo. Man, I'm telling you...when I rule the world not only will EVERYBODY have the same metabolism, but mayonnaise will only be used in my mom's crab salad and occasionally for canned tuna.

ok computer

Yet again, my computer is on the fritz. I think it might be dying of old age...it sounds like it's in its final death rattle. But I am going to ride this puppy until it totally croaks. It's been an interesting few weeks. I find that I'm in a strange space where old is new and new is old. I'm cultivating amazing friendships with people I have known for almost as long as I've been here but just never really spent a whole lot of time with. Conversely, I find some of my old friendships sort of dying out the way in which my computer is...and as with my computer, I intend to ride them out until the end. I'm enjoying my job more and more. It's nice to have a place in which one can feel competent, especially when other parts of my life leave me feeling like a hobo on the crazy train. All in all, I find myself feeling fairly happy. And that is a welcome relief, particularly considering that it is almost exactly a year since my life ended up on a completely different path and I was the unwilling passenger. I guess the biggest lesson I've learned in the last year is that things will change but I will survive and walk out the other end a better person.