retro crush

I must have a major assignment due because I am watching television and surfing the internet like crazy and that usually signifies some manner of procrastination. I did however see some interesting stuff on the telly.
1. There was an infomercial for something called the ab-board. Basically it is a contraption wherein you fold your body in two to strengthen your abs. While I was watching the informercial it totally reminded me of this thing my grandmother had in her gym (aka the excercise machine graveyard in her garage) when I was little. My sister and I LOVED this contraption. It looked a lot like an old military cot and the function was the same as the ab-board, you lay down with your feet in these holders and arms over your head while you hold onto this bar on top of the cot (very much in an s&m style I might add) and fold yourself up, then release back into a supine position and repeat. Sofie and I would play with this thing for hours. That and Grandma's electronic belt flab-melter that you see in old television shows and her amazing cellulite reducer which was just a cylindrical thing with beaded rolling pins that you rolled your butt back and forth on. Maybe I can make a revamped version of the rolling pin thing and have Body by Jake market it. I tell ya I'll be rich, rich enough to afford the lipo to make it look like that piece of crap actually works.
2. QVC now sells Dooney & Burke bags. I remember when back in the day all they sold were creepy porcelein dolls (now marketed by Marie Osmond) and bad jewelry. We were forced to watch endless hours of QVC (again at Grandma's house) because my aunt was OBSESSED with QVC. I'm amazed at how high end QVC has gotten, they sell expensive make-up and name-brand clothes and even hawk a line by Joan Rivers (well that could be HSN, I get those confused sometimes). Now don't ask me why I know so much about QVC, I swear I only watch it while flipping through the channels. I would NEVER sit down with a bowl of popcorn and watch the Nascar products midnight marathon...NEVER!
3. Seriously, I don't care what all the Asian-American Awareness Groups tell me about negative media representation...I LOVE THE KARATE KID!!! I always cry at the end when Daniel-son raises up in his crane move (if you are older than 23 you know this move...we've all tried it on our siblings and friends but somehow never accomplished the same ass-kicking) and kicks what's his name in the face. We've all thrown "wax-on wax-off" with full-on bad Asian accents randomly into a conversation and laughed heartily when somebody else did too. I can't lie, I loved part II and part III as well, although nothing holds a candle to part I. I used to have posters from BOP magazine of Ralph Macchio on my wall (which I traded my sister for, I think I gave her Kirk Cameron or somebody equally lame in return...oh the power of being an older sister, it can never be replicated).
4. There is absolutely NOTHING on television. I thought I would stay awake to catch Bill Maher on HBO, but it doesn't come on until midnight and I didn't get my nap so I don't think I can make it.
On a side note, I think I got bit by an evil venomous spider. That man-eating arachnid bit me not once but thrice, all along my forearm. I look like I have infected track-marks.
Also, it has become clear to me (yet again) that when I write, the way I hear it in my head is not the same as how people will later interpret it while reading. I think my regular readers (all three of you) know that most of what I write is in an irreverent, tongue-in-cheek, facetious kind of way. But for those of you who don't know me personally and wouldn't know this, I generally don't say anything just for the sake of being a dick. Unless it is something really personal to me (oh just to throw out an example...something like relationships) I'm not being all that serious. So keep that in mind while you are reading (although I doubt the particular readers I am referring to will be back). Seriously, I'm not going to preface or postface (probably not a real word, but work with me) everything with a notation about what is supposed to be funny and what is not...you can figure it out people, that's why god/allah/yaweh/mystical earth mother gave us the brains and monkeys the tails (just for kicks though, that last part is facetious AND irreverent and I'm pretty sure I'm using both words correctly because I looked them up).