fan mail

Dear Fergie,
First off, let me say that I can remember back when you were Stacy on Kids Incorporated. My cousin Stacy would pretend to be you, I would pretend to be Gloria/Martika, and my sister got stuck with the other girl...what's her name.
I even remember when you were in that group Black Orchid...or some other flower.
So though I haven't followed your career that closely, it's clear that I've mostly been a fan for a while. I mean I had never heard of the Black Eyed Peas until after you joined the mix.
That's why I feel like I can write this letter to you, we have history together girl.
Let's start with the props since most people like the good news first.
1. You have a bangin' body. The abs and the ass alone are worth the price of admission.
2. You have a smokin' hot fiance. Josh Duhammel...nice one.
3. You can sing, and not in a Britney Spears/Ashlee Simpson, "thank god for dubbing" kind of way...but you can work them pipes.
SOOOOOO, now that you're in the glow of positivity, I need to have a little talk about something else. See, I know you say you're beauty is all natural and sometimes a little delusion is good for a person, trust me girl...I feel you there. If you need to lie and say that power of the lip plumper is with you and not you know...surgically implanted fat from your ass...go right ahead.
But for the love of god, please please admit that you had some eye work done. Frankly, your eyebrows are scary. And scarier still, girls are starting to copy them. COPY YOUR EYEBROWS FERGIE!
Not good brows like Garbo or even campy fun brows like Crawford....your far too highly arched and way too penciled in eyebrows. Now it would be okay if it were just the drag queens doing it, but I've seen a lot of other ladies and it's just disturbing.
I know I can't be the only person having this guttural reaction to people copying your brows, so unless you want us to take it out on you by not buying your records....then just come out and admit that your plastic surgeon pulled a little too tight and that's why your brows are so creepy. You'll be doing a lot of sheep/girls a favor and helping me with the nightmares.
Truly,
Lisa M.