When I was in Basic Training, our drill sergeants had these little torture methods if we fucked up or fell asleep or something. They would make us hold two full canteens up, arms parallel to the floor; or they would make us roll pencils in between our thumb and forefinger (back and forth repetitively), again arms parallel to floor; or we would have to hold up rifles, either with arms straight up or parallel to the floor. Now the first few minutes aren't too bad, but then you hit a big fucking wall and it becomes the most painful shit you can imagine. Your arms start shaking and your back goes into this curve that is completely unnatural. And then the same arms that can pull you over a six foot wall suddenly start to weigh about a thousand pounds and you feel like your body is not your own.
That's how I feel about not speaking my mind. Sometimes I want so badly to say something to somebody, but I end up holding my tongue. Now if this person is a repeat offender, I end up holding my tongue a lot under some guise of being nice or respectful or whatever (or maybe because I don't want to hear what they have to say, which makes me a big hypocrite). Anyway, after a while, just like holding up those two canteens of water, my tongue gets so heavy that I am in pain from not letting loose. And then I really start to resent the fact that I can't say what I want to say to certain people. and the complications from not doing so, and well I end up kind of resenting them for it. Seriously, I don't know why people pretend like they just want to hear honesty, or at least no bullshit, but in fact just want you to be yes-men to their denial and delusions.
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