danger, watch yourself

See, even road signs are giving me reasons not to break my vow of chastity.

price check

I went out with my sister, her...uh....the guy she lives with, and a bunch of their friends. It was pretty cool and honestly, I thought I could party pretty hard but going out with them made me realize that I'm just an amateur...either that or I've mellowed out with age. So there was a pretty large contingent of guys there and each and every one of them clearly considered themselves THE gift from god. But seriously, only one of them was worth anything and it only totaled about the price of an Easter basket.

masticator

I swear to god, I have eaten more rice in the last week than I probably ate all of last year. And apparently Iniki likes kim/nori/dried seaweed. Coincidentally, since he's been eating it, his poop is a lot easier to clean up.

surreal life

Just got back from a barbecue at my brother's house. You know, I thought I had seen a lot and thought I had some strange friends, BUT THIS TAKES THE CAKE! My sister-in-law had a friend and her husband over as well as me and some guy I knew when I was just a wee thing. Apparently they just got a new laptop and enjoy looking at sites like ratemythong.com and ratemycock.com (no lie, these REALLY exist). It also seems that the wife desperately wanted to put her husband's weenie up on desperateforapproval.com. So part of the night they were trying to take a digital picture of a Polaroid they have of him lounging around all Sylvester Stallone circa Playgirl spread. When that didn't work out, he started taking actual pictures of his penis with the digital camera. First, he went to the bathroom, I guess he wanted to be discreet. But when that proved too taxing, he full on whipped it out at the dining room table. Lucky for me, I was across the table from him and there was thankfully a very big bag of tortilla chips blocking my view...but I guess my sister-in-law saw it. I can only presume that he didn't like the lighting from the dining room, so he went outside on the deck and started snapping away. Every three to four minutes you would see a flash go off outside; and this went on for a good twenty minutes. Can you imagine?

frightening and sad

I found out today that a person I used to work with in Hawaii, actually the person that took over my job when I left, died recently. She was only 37 years old.

stop. thief.

Never one to shy away from stealing other people's ideas when I have none of my own...

Top Ten Brands You Cannot Live Without:

1. Coke-it's the real thing AND Diet Coke has that Adrien Brody commercial I love.
2. HBO-without this little slice of television heaven, I wouldn't have anything to watch, especially since America's Next Top Model is finished.
3. Apple-iPods, iTunes...my credit card has never been the same.
4. General Foods International Coffees-two words: Chai, Latte. Nuff said.
5. Fendi-the few sunglasses that fit and flatter my ginormous head.
6. Ambien-every once in a while, you need a good night's sleep.
7. MAC-for my fabulous inner transvestite.
8. Lancome-the reason I still look 24, or at least the reason my friends lie to me about looking 24.
9. Target-cause I love cheap, any store with a dollar spot is all right by me.
10. McDonald's-french fries are the food of the gods.

kentucky v. washington

METRO LOUISVILLE

*Catfish
*The frying of every conceivable vegetable and meat known to man
*Lots of F350s on the road
*Thornton's and Speedway
*People with money buy horses
*Ohio River Bridges
*Tornadoes
*Everybody vacations by taking a cruise
*Azaleas and oak trees (which means a shitload of raking)
*College basketball
*Fourth Street Live
*Trailer girls vying for their Jerry Springer appearance
*Germantown
*Co-workers that annoyingly mother you to death
*Allergies that cause headaches and snotty noses
*Bad hair from excessive humidity
*Starbucks


GREATER SEATTLE AREA

*Salmon
*Teriyaki sauce on every conceivable vegetable, meat, and meat-substitute product known to man
*Lots of Hummers on the road
*ampm and 7-11
*People with money buy boats
*Narrows Bridge (formery known as Galloping Gertie)
*Earthquakes
*Everybody vacations by camping and hiking
*Rhododendrons and evergreens
*Mariners baseball
*Pioneer Square
*Ghetto girls vying for their Jerry Springer appearance
*Koreatown
*Mothers that annoyingly work you to death
*Allergies that cause itchy eyes and coaster sized boogers
*Bad hair from excessive rain
*Starbucks

the thing about parents...

is that they think their children are deaf, either that or profoundly and severely retarded. Do they REALLY think we can't hear them talking about us from fifteen feet away? And worse yet, if your parent speaks another language. You KNOW they're talking about you, but you don't know what they're saying...AND chances are pretty damn good that they're talking shit. I'm pretty sure that in the minds of parents, we are perpetually eleven years old.

say wha?

Remind me not to blog while high on pharmaceuticals. And in other news, I think I made a big mistake...tigers can't change their stripes, leopards can't change their spots, going full circle means you end up nowhere.

s.o.s.

Somebody help me, I've obviously fallen into a vacuum of infantilism...why else would I be forcing myself into the womb I tried so hard to escape? All of the days journeys involved fighting, and you would think that I would know that the right answer is clearly and obviously her answer and equally as clearly I would recognize that my solutions are the rantings of a obviously insane woman who somehow managed to make it ten years without self-imploding, but now that I'm back in the web, I've regressed to a fourteen year old. Wow, I took two Ambien and there is a lot of weirdness going on right now. There seems to be some short of light show behind my monitor, a party I'm not privy to, though I would love to attend. And the crazy lizard fingers are back, tap tap typing away with their leathery beaks, hoping for some later reward...maybe food, maybe lotion, maybe weapons they could learn to use and take over the ambien induced mother may I that they don't even get to play. I don't know where I am right now, I'm lost amongst a shitload of familiarity. And there seems to be a green and ocre color taking over my screen right about now and they're blowing hot air on me. I think this might be the takeover. Please send help...but not until after 8 hours of sleep that the Ambien is going to provide.

collector

I don't know if it's because she grew up right after a war that literally divided her homeland and lacked a lot of material things, but damn my mother is OBSESSED with toilet paper. She literally has HUNDREDS of rolls of toilet paper, every time I open a closet or a cabinet, it is stuffed to the gills with rolls and rolls of tp. We are already a family of pack-rats but I'm worried, this toilet paper thing is a little extreme. And the paper towels, dear god the paper towels. She doesn't ever use them, she gets pissy when somebody else does, but she hoards them like they're some invaluable commodity. I'm a little freaked out...why does any one person need so many paper products?

oscar worthy

While at my dad's place in Salt Lake City, he shared his completely legal collection of burned movies with my sister and myself. We went apeshit because my dad records the kinds of movies that we love...you know the D-list, straight to video, 80s cheddar kind of flicks that nobody else has ever heard of...in fact we literally fought over a couple of them. So here's my list of movies that I have loved that nobody else has heard of, except for my sister of course.

o Gotcha
o Gimme an F
o Fast Forward
o Night of the Comet
o Sleepaway Camp Part II

travel wrap-up

Total Miles Driven: 2,600
Total Coffee Consumed: 4.3 liters
Total Calories of Truck Stop Food Eaten: 18,243
Total Times I Punched My Sister: Only 2
Total Times I Said Mean Things: 93
Hours Before My Mom Reminded Me I Was Fat: 9 (I thought I'd get at least a 24 hour reprieve)
Hours Before Her Friends Started Asking Me How Much I Weighed: 18
Hours I Went Before Calling Cable Company to Set Up Internet Service: 12
Hours of Continuous Rain Since Hitting the Pacific Northwest: 56
Hours I've Been Here: 59
Total Number of Hail Storms: 2
Number of Valium I Saved for Myself Instead of Giving to Iniki: 12

travels with iniki - part II - cont

Finally in washington the weather sucks. Somebody remind me why I came back?

travels with iniki - part II - cont

I have needed my windshield wipers from the very nanosecond I drove into the Pacific Northwest. Fucking rain!

travels with iniki - part II - cont

Don't ever take a roadtrip with your freeloading sister. You end up eating beef jerky and drinking gas station coffee out of sheer stubborness because you don't want to pony up for real food for everybody.

travels with iniki - part II - cont

2000 miles driven and my car officially smells like a rank armpit.

travels with iniki - part II

Getting ready to leave my dad's and Salt Lake, which is one seriously beautiful city. And I swear to god, there are NO FAT PEOPLE here, not even at the Walmart....I'm like a one woman club out here. So it should take us about thirteen hours or so to reach out destination point. I'm pretty sure I will have found an airport to drop my sister off at and a pound for my dog. That much time together in an enclosed space is never a good thing...which is weird, I used to really enjoy road trips. Is it bad that I'm already planning my next move and I haven't even gotten up to the Pacific Northwest yet? I'm trying to be positive so I don't do the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing but DAYAM, being around my family is best in small increments of time when I live at least 800 miles away.

travels with iniki - cont

Well it is late and my ass is killing me from sitting on it for more hours than I can count, I guess that is one fantasy best left unfufilled. After about 1500 miles of solid driving, we are at my dad's place in Salt Lake City. This is the cleanest town I've ever been in, I have yet to see a homeless person. I am going to sleep the sleep of the dead tonight. After I wash the grime off of my body, I am taking a sleeping pill and I might even snake one of my dog's Valium and polish it off with a couple of shots of vodka just to make sure that even a church full of Mormon missionaries at the doorstep won't rouse me in the slightest.

travels with iniki - cont

Utah is a lot like a crazy aunt's house, full of pretty things but devoid of life and kind of creepy.

travels with iniki - cont

If my dog had as much gas as he is getting blamed for, he would float away like a helium balloon.

travels with iniki - cont

tThere is the most amazing heat lightning storm going on right now.

travels with iniki - cont.

Operation cheese overload was mildly successful. I made it 1300 miles before needing to actually sit on a toilet seat.

travels with iniki - cont.

For the love of god! Kansas is the longest, flattest state ever! Kind of like my ass.

travels with iniki - the beginning

400 plus miles and I'm sitting in some reststop somewhere in either Missouri or Kansas, listening to my dad and sister snore while fre...
(I guess you can only blog one page of cell text at a time, so to finish up this thought...)
freezing my ass off and staring at all the creepy people going in and out of the bathrooms.

matriculator

Yay for me, I graduated today. We had the whole hand-shaking and hugging, tassel flipping, robe wearing ceremony. It took forever! Three long hours of speeches, most of which was from one seriously long-winded woman who went on and on about some old coin and some Latin phrase, though I was busy cleaning underneath my fingernails so I didn't catch most of it. There was cheering and clapping and surprisingly I didn't shed a single tear. So I guess that's one goal out of the way...now on to getting my PhD before I turn forty. I've decided to be a career student because I loathe the idea of having a real job after shamming for the last three years.PS-I'll be sans internet connection for a while, so if I don't get around to being a hyper-nerd and blogging via cell, well the next time you hear from me, I'll be a wanna-be Seattlite again.

apples and oranges

My dad and sister are here for the wildly exciting graduation and moving extravaganza. Last night we were up watching television as we are a family of night owls and we stumbled across a movie that Sofie and I watched every day for a month when we were younger, Calamity Jane. Man, the Doris Day version is way different than Deadwood. You know, I should hate that movie...it's racist and sexist and cheesy as hell...but it's just one of those movies that you inexplicably and unconditionally love, like Grease 2 or Teen Wolf.

seriously meriously

Look, I don't know how many times I have to say this:THERE ARE NO BALLS ON THIS SITE! (okay maybe one picture, but it was in a specific context and you'll never find it. It's buried deep in the archives, and it's hidden...so fuck off with your testicular searches)THERE ARE ALSO NO PICTURES OF NAKED GIRLS, NO NAKED DARK MAGICIAN GIRLS, NO NAKED GIRLS FROM THE DERBY, NO GIRLS!So for the love of <-insert divine creator of choice here->, stop coming here. Sure for a while I found it amusing and honestly I liked the fact that my page visits were way up. BUT NOW, I'm starting to feel a little dirty, like I'm pimping my baby out for some lousy three second hits. Seriously, listen to me here, you're in the wrong place...no balls, no girls.

ha ha

I figured out how to blog from my cell...a big accomplishment for the likes of me. Just when you thought you would get some sort of reprieve while I was moving.

131

I have officially done all there is to do in Louisville. I went to the 131st Kentucky Derby today. If I had to describe the Derby in five words:

o Hot
o Drunkenness
o Boobies
o Crowded
o Expensive

Below are some pictures I took to capture the experience.

Here we were, walking through the tunnels to the infield...home of the poor, drunk, huddled masses yearning to be in box seats.

This was one hell of a crowd. It was apparently the second largest crowd ever.

The fabled spires/turrets/steeples of Churchill Downs. PS-as a bonus you get to see a guy with his shirt open and his glorious salt-n-pepper chest hairs on full display.

This was where I made my bets....my shitty, unlucky bets. Although I did find ten bucks on the ground when I went to buy the $3.00 bottles of water. So since Katie bought my ticket, I only bet $5.00, I paid $10.00 to park and ride at the fairgrounds, and I only bought one bottle of water...my total tab for the day was only $8.00.

Fashions were...ummm. interesting.

I knew that preppy came back in style, but whenever I see stuff this logoed, it totally makes me think of an old Judd Nelson movie Making the Grade.

Oh hey, you might want to see a horse too. You gotta love drunk people...they love to pose for pictures. Too bad it ended up on the internet asshole.

This was our little corner of the infield, marked by the pirate flag. We were also next door to the little makeshift detaining facility so we were surrounded by cops (military and civilian).

How many cops does it take to arrest one half drunk and probably half-baked guy who probably weighed about 135 pounds? All of them. You can see the arrested guy, he's the splash of red in the background. It was quite the hubbub, this picture is after it all calmed down. Katie suggested that we all start screaming "Police Brutality," like in Hairspray.

Okay, so how many cops does it take to switch out taking pictures of half naked girls and share them with one another? Just two. So much for the sanctity of the uniform.

This is what it looks to win and win large. I however didn't win shit, the horse I chose didn't even show.

Here we are leaving through the same tunnel we entered through. However, notice how freaking crowded it is now. We were squeezed in there so fucking tight, I couldn't guarantee that I didn't walk out of there impregnated.

cell phone vampire

HOLY SHIT! I owe my cell phone company over $200.00. I guess I went over my minutes. By A LOT! Dammit, with moving companies and moving supplies, the lack of fundage from going to school, and almost being out of a job, I am bled dry. So go ahead T-Mobile, try to suck a few more drops out of me...all you'll get is dust.

that guy?

I confess, right up front, that I am totally bogarting this idea (with her permission because her wrath is swift and mighty) from Avatar over at Overworked & Underf*cked. She recently did a post about guys that she was inexplicably attracted to, despite the fact that were not Johnny Depp or Viggo Mortonsen. So here's my list of "HUH?!" guys.

Adrian Brody, especially in that Diet Coke commerial
Billy Joe from Greenday
Ewan McGregor-okay, maybe he's not such a stretch
Jason Schwartzman from Rushmore & I Heart Huckabees
Jon Stewart of The Daily Show
Sam Rockwell, even though he kind of reminds me of some creepy guy who would hang out at a Junior High School
Brandon Flowers from The Killers.

Unlike Avatar, who has a thing for average English blokes, I've got a thing for guys who either wear eyeliner or for smart 'n funny Jewish Guys, god help me if they're both.

So what guys/girls do you find strangely compelling?

it's like ray-yay-yain on your wedding day

Something struck me today while I was getting my hair done. There I was, sitting in one of the higher-end salons in Louisville, having a complimentary hand massage by one woman and sipping my bottled water while another woman did my highlights. During all of this primping and pampering, I was reading Diary, who also wrote Fight Club, one of my favorite books and movies. The sheer hypocrisy and irony of doing both at the same time wasn't lost on me. But aren't we all at least just the tinest bit hypocritical? Is it in our nature to believe one way and act another? Are we just constantly fighting some inner battle between our belief systems versus societal systems? Or do we just pretend to have certain beliefs in order to make ourselves feel better about the things we do? Well I don't know the answer to those questions, but I can tell you this...my hair is way cute.

last call

I called in sick for the last time (at this current job at any rate). I felt poopie because my womyn parts are staging some sort of coup, I think my uterus has some grandiose plans to become dictator of my torso region...but my digestive tract doesn't seem to be taking this threat to its usual dominance lightly. Thank god for the massive cocktail of motrin, aleve, and Tylenol PM.

oh the humanity

I sold my dining room set and the buyers just came and picked it up. You know what, I'm a wee-bit sad about it and it's stupid to be having an emotional reaction because it's just stuff for god's sake. I can't believe I actually formed an attachment to a few slabs of wood and glass, that's pretty sad huh? Especially since it really isn't something to get worked up over like an awesome record collection or something passed down five generations that a family snuck in from the old country. Oh well, just more evidence that my former life as LDML is indeed over.