sucker punch

Well, the ex-boy decided that he was ready enough to move on and slept with somebody who I thought was a friend of mine as well...I guess I was wrong. According the reports from the front line, she initiated it and he was drunk, not that that really matters. Nor does it really matter that she's seemingly worked her way through multiple people in Idaho and the rest of the northwest who've put needle to record, including several of his friends.
Frankly, I'm furious...I am a raging inferno of white hot heat. Not because he moved on first, though that is always hard to witness, but because of the mixed signals he had been giving me. Because, according to a little hearsay, he didn't know what his intentions with me were, he just knew that it felt good to hang out with me but he couldn't be celibate forever. And because he actually had the fucking nerve to call me later that night, after he had slept with somebody else, to chat. And because he's a selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent, emotionally crippled human being who I let hurt me for far too long. I thought I would try and be a better person and try to be his friend. I thought that doing that would break me out of a cycle of removing people from my life and running away from the hurt. But sometimes, some things really are for the best. Because even in the end, he wanted the best of me...in whatever form that was...while he went out and did whatever would please himself. Now I'm completely letting him go, I want nothing to do with him any longer...he won't get the best of me or the worst of me or any of me.

plummeting

I had the most intense and amazing dream not too long ago. In this dream, I was driving around in my car with the ex-boy. We were just driving and talking. But for some reason, my driving was erratic and I could barely control the car. At some point, the car started to veer off of the road and tumbled off of a cliff. After the car went off of the edge, I was no longer in the car. I was free-falling, at an amazingly quick velocity, the ragged walls of the cliff were flying past and I was scared. I screamed and cried and thought I was going to die, but I wasn't ready...I knew that I wasn't ready to die. So then I started to lucidly dream and I remember telling myself that I didn't have to be scared that I was falling...I didn't have to be afraid. And then the dream changed. Yes, I was still falling...but I wasn't afraid to fall anymore. And I fell! I fell down through that huge canyon, I fell down through the center of the world, I fell down through other worlds and bodies of waters and finally stopped somewhere else. I can only describe that place as feeling as close to heaven as I have ever felt. Once I stopped falling, in this amazing place, I just floated. Floated with all this love and light surrounding me and I felt like I didn't have to be afraid, I didn't have to be scared, I didn't have to be anything...I just had to let myself be. It was incredible. It was one of those dreams that you wish you didn't have to wake up from...

home sweet home

So, I may have found a place to live. Nothing fancy, no hardwood floors, no private washer and dryer, not a lot of closet space. But the price is right, and the neighborhood is right, and they'll take my dog. So after having "moved up" in the home world by having a roommate who makes more money than me...I'm moving back to where I started, albeit paying a little more money than I was before. Which frankly is fine by me. I'm really excited to be living alone again. No more cleaning up somebody's else's stuff and the only animals I'll have to clean up after will be my own. I will miss the fancy kitchen appliances and having my own deck and courtyard however. But during the period of growth and change, maybe relearning that I'm okay with being by myself is a good thing. Only time will tell...

giving spirit

I'm not one of those people who refuse to let people over, whether on the freeway or on the road. I'm not ever in so much of a hurry that one more car is going to make that big a difference, and if I'm already late then one more car isn't going to make me that much later. So today as I waited at a stop light, a car or two back, a car pulled out from a parking garage in front of me and idled by the road. Without even thinking I stopped and let the car out. Then I looked at the driver and...I shit you not...it was Santa Claus! In full Santa regalia: red suit, snowy white beard, red hat, and just the right amount of roseacea to make him look jolly.

adjustments

You can get used to anything. Whether or not it seems wrong or right. But at some point it starts to feel normal and then it starts to feel okay. And eventually it will begin to feel fine

familiar

It seems like you can get used to anything, even when it feels like the wrong thing. I wake up in the morning missing the boy, I spend the day thinking that what has happened isn't the right thing, I go to bed at night wishing that he would see that there is a different outcome if we both were willing to try. And every day I hope that it will get a little easier. But I don't know that this feeling inside of me is changing.

back to the future

Maybe it's because I've been sleeping more than normal and staying in bed longer, but my dreams have become much more vivid and easier for me to remember once I've gotten up. Last night I had a dream that I went home. It wasn't actually a home that I've ever been to or one that has existed in my waking life. But in my dream, I went home to a house I used to live in as a teenager. And during the trip home, several of my friends were also on their way home. We were all revisiting our pasts. I remember at some point during the dream all of us being together and talking, talking about going home and staying there. And then we realized that we couldn't go back home because that place no longer existed for us. Our situations had changed, we had changed, and therefore what we remembered as being home was changed. I know why I had this dream, I know what my subconcious mind is trying to tell me. Once the past has been written, you can't go back. This reminded me of a quote I had clipped out of a magazine and keep with me:

"Living by thought is a little like driving your car by looking in the rear-view mirror because you're looking after an event has occured...If you look at the reflected quality as the truth you miss the actual truth, which is in front of you. How can you feel connected looking in the rear-view mirror?"

moving on

Right now I almost feel like I can't move on or move forward. I feel stuck. My life doesn't feel like my own.