self-imposed exile

I've been trying to get back on some kind of routine lately after having spent most of September, nay most of the summer, fiddling around and engaging in hedonistic revelry and debaucherous unruliness. And I decided that for my physical and fiscal health, and as a test of my willpower, I would abstain from drinking, smoking, and most nightlife socializing until the Halloween party season began. I thought that with summer ending and all, it would be easy. The weather would get poopie and people would begin preparing for winter hibernation. But then the weather got nice and I keep getting invitations for what sound like really fun parties. I always do this to myself, I set up goals that are probably a little bigger than they need to be and then I have to either choose to go through with it and feel unhappy or bail on the idea and feel some guilt about failing. UPDATE: So, having the most amazing rationalizing tools available to me...I convinced myself that I didn't need to give up drinking...I just needed to cut back to one or two a week. That sounds more doable.

highs and lows

It's impossible to try and fully account for all of the happenings of my Burningman experience, plus it probably wouldn't be prudent to talk about some of them at any rate. So rather than try to do a diary of my days, I decided that it was less overwhelming and probably more interesting, to just jot down some of the more memorable things (in bullet form of course). o The very first thing to happen was a small setback involving setting up our camp. We picked a location and got a lot of our camp set up AND THEN some people came out and to tell us we were camping on their reserved spot that they had very NOT clearly marked with a used up glow stick. It almost got dramatic. Even in a place like Burningman, people are assholes when it comes "protecting" what they think is theirs. But it turned out very well, we ended up in a much better location that was far downwind of the port-a-potties. o Many of our Seattle friends camp at Zu, a lovely camp full of amazing people, including one fella who flew an airplane down to Nevada. He gave away free plane rides, and Pink, Heidi and I jumped at the chance. It was AMAZING flying around the playa and getting a bird's eye view of the city and The Man. AND I got to fly the plane a little. It's a bit like playing Pole Position, you barely move the controls and the whole plane moves. My tummy jumps a little every time I think about it. o Becca and I decided one day that it was our mission to find Mister Mister, the misting tent provided by one of the camps. We rode across the playa in 90+ degree desert weather and when we got there I run into my friend Nico. What are the chances of running into one person in a crowd of 38,000 people? Actually, pretty good at Burningman. o One of our fellow campers ended up not being able to come at the last minute. The problem with that, other then her not being there, was that she was the person who was bringing two more campers. A few phone calls, and six hours...problem solved. Charlie, an unknown prior to this adventure, ended up leaving his job and coming down to the burn with our other campers (and gas for Starla). I hadn't met Charlie before but oddly enough I knew him as "Charlie the Bartender" because he knows some other people I know. It was fun making those connections during our walks around the city. o When somebody tells you they have the way to make your first burn memorable, it pays to be a little cautious. But then again, getting an electric cattle prod to your bare ass is DEFINITELY unforgettable. o Despite your best intuition telling you otherwise, it is impossible to NOT look down into the foulest depths of the Porta-potties each and every time nature calls. Though somehow my body and I developed some sort of mutual understanding that restricting bodily function was often for the best. o We camped down the block from a group from Maryland. Twice a week they gifted bloody marys to the playa citizenry. They were the BEST bloody marys I have ever had the joy of imbibing...yummy tomato juice, good vodka, fresh horseradish, beef stock...drool. I went there both times they were handing out the goods. o I saw quite possibly the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life while on the playa. One morning in particular stands out. Josh and I were still going strong in the wee hours of the morning, though the rest of our crew had decided to call it quits. We hung out for a while and then decided to head over the Blunderland, a camp of the people who threw the Esthetic Evolution party I went to in Boise earlier in the summer. During our walk, the sun starting coming out. The sun came up over the mountains on the horizon and made the sky the most intense shades of pink, leaving an almost magenta hue lingering over the skyline for what seemed like forever. Josh and I walked with arms clasped around each other's waists and looked on, astounded at the sheer beauty we felt extremely privileged to be experiencing. We kept looking at one another in amazement and wonderment...it was perfect. o During one of our many nights out on the Esplanade, I wanted to find my friend Nico very badly. I walked up and down looking for him and kept running into other people who would tell me where they had last seen him. I started to become frustrated because I couldn't find him. Then I heard an art car playing a song that Devo often plays during his DJ sets, aptly nicknamed the whistle song. I decided to walk over and listen to the song and take a minute to think about my sweetie. It was then that I noticed there was a huge crowd standing around this metal serpent art installation. I waited around for a while and didn't see anything going on, so I leaned over to the guy standing next to me and asked what was happening. It was then that I noticed who I was talking to. On New Year's Eve, I went to a party with some Kentucky friends. We were heading to another party and couldn't get a cab to save our lives. These brothers were standing outside while we were trying and they offered us a ride home. We had never met these men, neither or them were permanent residents of Seattle, and once the ride was over it was likely that we would never see these good-deed-doers again. That is until I went to Burningman and randomly leaned over to ask somebody what was happening in the middle of the Playa at midnight. I asked him if he remembered me, he did and he was astounded that I remembered him. It was at that moment that I knew what that playa was trying to tell me, I couldn't control what happened out there and it was silly of me to try. What was going to happen was going to happen and I just needed to go along for the ride. It was a good lesson to learn. to be continued...

summer lovin' had me a blast

I decree that summer is officially over. Not only has the sky turned to the grayish muck that loudly proclaims "Seasonal DEFECTIVE disorder is back!" but the last outdoor party of the season was this last weekend. I busted out my white canvas espaidrilles, though banned by polite society since Labor Day, for one more event. And during said event I managed to o Develop a UTI o Develop a flat tire way out in the middle of nowhere o Discover that my donut was flat too o Get so blitzkrieged that much vomitting ensued And despite all of that I had a tremendous amount of fun glamping it up one last time (glamping=glamourous camping). Many good times were had by all. It was a beautiful campsite full of old growth trees and rolling green hills. There were loads of wonderful people. It was a good way to wrap up the summer. But at the same time, I'm glad all of this is over. No more raging two-nine day parties that involve Porta-potties and insane amounts of Turkey Jerky. No more coming back sick. No more spending ungodly sums of money to sleep in a tent. I'm ready for a break. I'm ready for some chill time, some me time, some "Hey, I haven't seen Masil around in a while" time. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, by life and money (or lackthereof) and choices and gearing up for anniversaries I try not to deal with but inevitably end up dealing with in other ways. I need to revive and replenish myself. My soul feels tired and October seems like the perfect time for a long overdue nap.

reminiscing

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2006 REMINISCING continued from last post...a short continuation as my memory is slightly cloudy from the events of the past weekend... o One word...THUNDERDOME. Go to Flickr and do a search. It's pretty damn cool. One thing I noticed at Thunderdome, women are WAY scrappier than men. WAAYYYY scrappier. o I invented a new phrase (at least new to me) while down at Burningman...boy MOOP-a piece of boy material you pick up on the playa and drag around with you until you find an appropriate location to discard him. My boy MOOP was named Andrew. Andrew was a cutie-pie who was quite young and just naive enough that it took him several hours to figure out that we were just hanging out and that was it. o There were a lot of nekkid people at Burningman. And it is my observation that the people you would most like to see naked are often not the ones who decide to be naked. Seriously, I think I could go my entire life without seeing another pair of shaved testicles on a bike seat and be perfectly okay with that. o I rediscovered that I can sleep ANYWHERE. I would sleep in my tent during the hottest part of the day and wake up soaked in sweat. I slept through the one really big dust storm we had down there, the rest of the camp was scurrying about tying things down and making sure nothing blew away and I was passed out and didn't realize any of it was going on. o The art was incredible. I can't even begin to describe some of the amazing things out there. I will hopefully post some pictures soon but honestly, they won't do any justice to being out there. o And the best lesson for me was that I can let go and move past my own insecurities and weirdness about past interactions I've had with people and have them become something else. In some cases, new friendships were created out of interactions in which I thought nothing could develop. And in others, old obsessions were finally and completely released when I realized that I had created the object of my obsession and the reality of that person was not anywhere near the same thing. Now I've been back for two weeks, summer is over, things are pretty much back to normal. This was probably the best summer of my life. At some point I will get my crappy disposable camera pictures developed. Hopefully a few of them will turn out and I will get them posted up here.

'puting from work

1. What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
I can't even really remember his first name to be honest.
2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
Neon green throwback string bikini briefs.
3. What is the song you want played at your funeral?
Strawberry Fields by The Beatles
4. Would you tell your parents if you're gay?
Most likely...of course they already think I am.
5. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
In'N'Out...at least two big piles of greasy mashed up fleshy nastiness with double processed cheese product.
6. Beatles or Stones?
The Beatles are the alpha and the omega.
7. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who?
The person stupid enough to ask such a question.
8. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Soft liquor....Amaretto please.
9. Do you have any phobias?
Of course.
10. What are your plans for the future?
Making a future.
11. What's your dog thinking right now?
"Hey, I can lick my butt!"
12. Do you walk around the house naked?
Often...it's one of the perks of living alone.
13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
I have no gauge for drunkeness anymore. Somewhere between one and five.
14. Where is your best friend?
In my heart.
15. Hair color you like on someone you're dating?
What can I say, I grew up on Disney. I like my Prince Charmings tall, dark, & handsome.
16. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
I would miss the beauty of the world more than I would miss the sounds of it.
17. Do you have any special talents?
Yes but I they're only for my special friends.
18. Did you brush your teeth this morning?
Sure did.
19. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
I think it might have been Sleeping Beauty.
20. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Grab Iniki's leash so I can take him out before he pees all over.
21.Do you like horror or comedy?
I like the comedy of horror movies.
22. Do you like to watch movies by yourself?
It depends on my mood. Sometimes watching a tearjerker movie, curled up on my couch with my dog in my lap is therapeutic.
23. Guilty pleasure movie you will always watch if it's on?
Half-Baked.
24. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
Eh, regret...what a waste of time.
25. If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?
Who said I was straight?
26. Where do you want to live when you are old?
In a state of contentment.
27. Who is the person you can count on most?
As far as I know, everybody I know has ten fingers and ten toes...so I think I can count up to twenty on them equally.
28. If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Johnny Depp! And I'm not one of those Johnny-come-latelys. I STILL have my posters of Johnny Depp from BOP magazine!
29. Favorite drinking game?
The one that involves swallowing and not throwing up.
30. What did you dream last night?
That I couldn't fall asleep and had to take a bunch of sleeping pills and then worrying that I wouldn't be able to wake up.
31. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Competitive Eating.
32. Real or fake boobs?
That's like asking if you prefer a real or fake rolex. Not everybody can afford a real rolex.
33. What is your new obsession?
Letting go of old obsessions.

the journey begins

Our original plan had been to leave by 11am on the 25th, drive to Portland and pick up the rest of our camp, then drive to Dunsmuir (right outside of Shasta, CA). We would crash for the night and then drive out to Pyramid Lake in Nevada, about an hour and a half outside of Reno. After camping there for the night, we would drive into Black Rock City and begin our adventure. Sounds good right? Well...there's a reason why an idiom exists about best laid plans. That first day, after getting all of our gear together and packing up the vehicles, we ended up leaving Seattle at about 4pm. Our caravan consisted of 1 SUV/2 passengers, 1 mini-van pulling a trailer/2 passengers, 1 car/2 passengers, 1 RV/4 passengers. It was quite the struggle getting down to Portland. The van and trailer blew a tire before making it out of city limits, the RV kept breaking down, and we were stuck in rush-hour traffic. We didn't make it to Portland until 10 pm, where we hooked up with the rest of our caravan 1 SUV pulling a trailer/3 passengers and 1 VW/1 passenger. We took a vote and decided to stay in Portland for the night. 12 of us camped out in one of the apartments of our Portland crew. Then the next day we woke up and went to a battery shop to check out the RV. It turned out that Starla, as she was christened, needed a new alternator. So while we waited for that to get done, we all went off and ran some errands, mine involved coffee and a jaunt to the Goodwill to get more playa-worthy clothes, including the most beautifully horrendous velveteen and lace jacket. By 1pm we were ready to mount up and head to Shasta-where we had originally intended to be the night before. We drove and drove and finally got there, although my ride buddy and I decided to stop pretty early on to get lunch and then go to Old Navy. We made it to Dunsmuir and then couldn't find the house we were supposed to find because mapquest gave us the most craptastic directions with streets that didn't even exist. We FINALLY found the house and lo-n-behold, it was a teeny tiny studio apartment that thirteen of us end up sleeping in. We broke out all of the aerobeds we had among us and had an unavoidable massive pre-funk cuddle party. Sunday arrived and we headed to Reno. I ended up in a strange game of musical car chairs and got shuttled from one car to another and ended up staying in Dunsmuir while the RV got worked on again, apparently it hadn't been the alternator at all. We rode out and drove for a while, passing by many In N Out Burgers that I didn't get to stop out and lamented via text message that I was very sad to be passing them by since I was riding with a bunch of vegetarian hippies. We got to Reno at about 9pm, where the rest of our camp had been toiling away getting our supplies for the next week. We had originally decided to go to Pyramid Lake, but all of us playa-virgins were getting antsy and we wanted to head straight for Black Rock City. We decided to drive most of the way there and take a vote when we got to the split in the road between the Lake and the playa. Needless to say, when we got there, we voted for the playa. There were a few more small setbacks along the way but we made it to Black Rock City and drove onto the playa just as the sun started rising.

quotable

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

embers

I've been back from Burningman since Monday. My my my, what an adventure. I don't even know how to begin to tell everybody about my trip. It would take forever to try and sum up the experience. I didn't think that I would be the kind of person to come back having had a transformative experience, but I did. There's no way to deny that some things are irreversibly altered because of the last week. I think I've finally managed to decompress and return to reality and life, though it is definitely a reality with an ever-so-slight paradigm shift...but in a good way.

pacifitrek

Mt. Rainier was amazing yesterday.Though it was a little chilly and I ended up buying an ultra-glam touristy pink sweatshirt, my hike was an adventure. No matter how much I've worked out, neither the number of minutes the machines jubilantly proclaimed I'd completed nor the large stack of weights I grunted and strained through prepared me for an actual outdoor hike on the largest mountain in Washington. From the first shaky step up what seemed like a constant fifty degree incline, I knew that I would be done before the mountain was. But I climbed anyway, even as the boulders, eroded by hundreds of tired hikers into inviting settees, beckoned with their siren's call to just stop and relax, enjoy the view...quit. The call was too strong for my partner, she was done and no amount of coaxing would get her up off of the bench. But not me. Vacilating between tenacity, stubborness, and just being obtuse I decided not to stop. I would reach THAT place before I stopped, up there where those people were. How dare they think they could get all the way up there, directly challenging my drive? So I kept going, even as the cacophony of the pulse in my ears and throat joined with my rapidly increasing heartbeat to produce a tribal drum beat. Even as my oxygen deprived body started mildly hallucinating and I became convinced that the crows were calling my name. Even as my lungs simultaneously felt like they had been doused with nitrous and shoved in a pile of burning embers. I climbed and climbed and each time I told myself I would stop right THERE, there just didn't seem like the place to end my journey. Until finally there was right. There with the clouds that wrapped themselves around my tired, sweaty body like a cool kiss on a feverish forehead. There where the ground was still covered in ice and the paths left unpaved. There is where I stopped and took my final picture and where my camera died moments after the shutter snapped. I didn't need to go any further, the volcano gods destined that I would go no higher, today was not the day I would sacrifice myself to them. So I made my slow, painful journey back down to the bottom where my dog and friend were waiting to share my victory meal...a yummy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.