sucker punch

Well, the ex-boy decided that he was ready enough to move on and slept with somebody who I thought was a friend of mine as well...I guess I was wrong. According the reports from the front line, she initiated it and he was drunk, not that that really matters. Nor does it really matter that she's seemingly worked her way through multiple people in Idaho and the rest of the northwest who've put needle to record, including several of his friends.
Frankly, I'm furious...I am a raging inferno of white hot heat. Not because he moved on first, though that is always hard to witness, but because of the mixed signals he had been giving me. Because, according to a little hearsay, he didn't know what his intentions with me were, he just knew that it felt good to hang out with me but he couldn't be celibate forever. And because he actually had the fucking nerve to call me later that night, after he had slept with somebody else, to chat. And because he's a selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent, emotionally crippled human being who I let hurt me for far too long. I thought I would try and be a better person and try to be his friend. I thought that doing that would break me out of a cycle of removing people from my life and running away from the hurt. But sometimes, some things really are for the best. Because even in the end, he wanted the best of me...in whatever form that was...while he went out and did whatever would please himself. Now I'm completely letting him go, I want nothing to do with him any longer...he won't get the best of me or the worst of me or any of me.

plummeting

I had the most intense and amazing dream not too long ago. In this dream, I was driving around in my car with the ex-boy. We were just driving and talking. But for some reason, my driving was erratic and I could barely control the car. At some point, the car started to veer off of the road and tumbled off of a cliff. After the car went off of the edge, I was no longer in the car. I was free-falling, at an amazingly quick velocity, the ragged walls of the cliff were flying past and I was scared. I screamed and cried and thought I was going to die, but I wasn't ready...I knew that I wasn't ready to die. So then I started to lucidly dream and I remember telling myself that I didn't have to be scared that I was falling...I didn't have to be afraid. And then the dream changed. Yes, I was still falling...but I wasn't afraid to fall anymore. And I fell! I fell down through that huge canyon, I fell down through the center of the world, I fell down through other worlds and bodies of waters and finally stopped somewhere else. I can only describe that place as feeling as close to heaven as I have ever felt. Once I stopped falling, in this amazing place, I just floated. Floated with all this love and light surrounding me and I felt like I didn't have to be afraid, I didn't have to be scared, I didn't have to be anything...I just had to let myself be. It was incredible. It was one of those dreams that you wish you didn't have to wake up from...

home sweet home

So, I may have found a place to live. Nothing fancy, no hardwood floors, no private washer and dryer, not a lot of closet space. But the price is right, and the neighborhood is right, and they'll take my dog. So after having "moved up" in the home world by having a roommate who makes more money than me...I'm moving back to where I started, albeit paying a little more money than I was before. Which frankly is fine by me. I'm really excited to be living alone again. No more cleaning up somebody's else's stuff and the only animals I'll have to clean up after will be my own. I will miss the fancy kitchen appliances and having my own deck and courtyard however. But during the period of growth and change, maybe relearning that I'm okay with being by myself is a good thing. Only time will tell...

giving spirit

I'm not one of those people who refuse to let people over, whether on the freeway or on the road. I'm not ever in so much of a hurry that one more car is going to make that big a difference, and if I'm already late then one more car isn't going to make me that much later. So today as I waited at a stop light, a car or two back, a car pulled out from a parking garage in front of me and idled by the road. Without even thinking I stopped and let the car out. Then I looked at the driver and...I shit you not...it was Santa Claus! In full Santa regalia: red suit, snowy white beard, red hat, and just the right amount of roseacea to make him look jolly.

adjustments

You can get used to anything. Whether or not it seems wrong or right. But at some point it starts to feel normal and then it starts to feel okay. And eventually it will begin to feel fine

familiar

It seems like you can get used to anything, even when it feels like the wrong thing. I wake up in the morning missing the boy, I spend the day thinking that what has happened isn't the right thing, I go to bed at night wishing that he would see that there is a different outcome if we both were willing to try. And every day I hope that it will get a little easier. But I don't know that this feeling inside of me is changing.

back to the future

Maybe it's because I've been sleeping more than normal and staying in bed longer, but my dreams have become much more vivid and easier for me to remember once I've gotten up. Last night I had a dream that I went home. It wasn't actually a home that I've ever been to or one that has existed in my waking life. But in my dream, I went home to a house I used to live in as a teenager. And during the trip home, several of my friends were also on their way home. We were all revisiting our pasts. I remember at some point during the dream all of us being together and talking, talking about going home and staying there. And then we realized that we couldn't go back home because that place no longer existed for us. Our situations had changed, we had changed, and therefore what we remembered as being home was changed. I know why I had this dream, I know what my subconcious mind is trying to tell me. Once the past has been written, you can't go back. This reminded me of a quote I had clipped out of a magazine and keep with me:

"Living by thought is a little like driving your car by looking in the rear-view mirror because you're looking after an event has occured...If you look at the reflected quality as the truth you miss the actual truth, which is in front of you. How can you feel connected looking in the rear-view mirror?"

moving on

Right now I almost feel like I can't move on or move forward. I feel stuck. My life doesn't feel like my own.

thankful

I saw this on a friend's comment space:

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary
Because it means you've made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.
~ Author Unknown ~

hard

Another of my favorite movie quotes is from A League of Their Own (another sports movie I know). It goes a little something like this:

"It just got too hard."

"It's supposed to be hard, the hard is what makes it good."

I know they don't mean difficult, things shouldn't always be difficult. I know that they mean hard in that it's about how hard you try, striving for betterment, recognizing that something worth having is worth the challenge. The harder you try, the greater the reward. I know that I tried, was willing to continue trying, maybe even tried my hardest, and THAT is what makes me good. Because ultimately it comes down to that, I am good.

little buddha

Keanu Reeves may not be the best actor, but despite his wooden delivery some of his movies have some good quotes. This one, from The Replacements (a super cheese-fest sports movie that I seem to really like for some strange reason) is one that I find fits my general mood of late:

Pain heals,
Chicks dig scars,
Glory lasts forever...

I'm working on step one right now...I'm looking forward to step three.

insults & injuries

It's true, shitty things do come in threes. First it was the relationship ending, that was a huge one. Then it became the stress of needing to move in January (although that stress has been lingering for a while because I am a planner and start worrying about things way too soon). Then finally it became my car. On the way to my mom's house on Wednesday for an early family dinner, my fucking car broke down while I sat in holiday stop and go traffic. Luckily I was able to pull over into a mall parking lot and have my car towed to my mom's house. Having to have your car towed at night right before the holiday is a major pain in the ass. But I guess if I have to look for the silver lining, at least I got my three out of the way quickly, a swift and painful bandage removal.

fighting

I can still hear the words in travelling into my ear and straight to my heart, as if they had been spoken yesterday, "If you leave, I would fight like hell to get you back." That was less than a year ago. Now the story is different. The will to fight became inversely proportional to the frustration of fights begat from conflict. I don't think that early promise was a mistruth or an exaggeration, I believe that when he said it he meant it fully and deeply. I just wish that that conviction was still there, the desire to fight like hell was still there, the knowledge that it was worth the sacrifice and the commitment was still there. I believe it still and part of me doesn't want to stop believing it. But I can't make somebody else believe what I believe and even if I could I don't think I would, despite the personal cost.

stripped

It feels like most of the things I have relied on in the last few years have been stripped away recently. From big things to little things, important things to simple things, taken for granted things and things I have been profoundly grateful for. It's hard to maintain my sense of being a whole person when I am starting to feel like huge chunks of my life are being gouged away. I almost feel like I couldn't take much more without crumbling like a house of cards.

breaking up is hard to do

And so it goes. I am single again and again and again. In the end, the boy didn't want to commit to the work or the relationship. He wanted to work on himself which frankly I am going to interpret as be selfish and not ready to handle the mature responsibilities of commitment and sacrifice. I have been struggling, A LOT. I'm looking for answers that will never be found. I'm asking questions that have no meaning. I can't find the motivation in myself to move anywhere much less move on. I'm grieving, grieving the love I don't have in the way I once did, the love I will no longer be able to give, and the empty space inside of me that feels like it could take me over.

grieving

So after almost two years, the man I am still very much in love with and I have broken up. It wasn't one of those "easy" splits where wrongs can be pinpointed and accusations hurled (though that seems to be happening a little anyway). It's just one of those really fucking unfortunate things that can happen despite two people loving one another. When communication isn't working and the constant cycle of doubt and wonder creeps in and then somebody's investment wanes...sometimes even the most profoundly wonderful love can turn into something else, something painful for both people. We all carry our own baggage, our own personal struggles and doubts and insecurities and neurosis, our own questions of worth and how we identify ourselves, our own level of commitment and sacrifice, our own expectations of others, and our own needs. Sometimes these two things can mesh and when they don't, sometimes compromises can be made. But not this time.

worth

Sometimes, despite what you tell yourself, it's hard not to fall into old patterns. Unfortunately, when things aren't going well...I start to question myself and my worth. Lately the question has become, aren't I worth the effort and the sacrifice? Part of me knows that I am and another part of me is waiting for somebody else to prove it so that I can believe it more fully. The part of me who knows I am is right now, a distant whisper, white noise intermingling in the cacophony of self-doubt and questioning.

disaster

The boy and I are "on a break." We are taking a time out so that we can decide whether or not we are willing and able to do the work necessary to work things out. I think I have decided that I am, I don't know that he will decide that he is. But for my sake and his sake and our sake, I have to give him the time and space to make that decision. And that feels like one of the most painful things for me to do right now, letting go of my desire to control situations in order to make myself more secure and comfortable. I have to let go of my control right now and let him decide what he wants. I have to give him his space and time. I have to let him choose so that I can be secure in the knowledge that if we do decide to try and work things out, both of us are in it together. It's hard to not be hard on myself right now. It's hard not to find ways to point the finger at myself and think that there is something wrong with me, something that is pushing away the person I am still very much in love with. Not that anybody said that this was going to be easy. It's also hard for me to hear that everything is going to be okay because right now, okay seems like a million miles away. I'm a pulsing exposed wound right now and at this point, healing feels impossible.

pop-ups

Never one to give up the chance to analyze absolutely nothing...

Before I took my computer into the fix-it shop, I was getting a lot of pop-ups. And they were all dirty pop-ups. Hornysingles.com was a big one. Stranger hook-ups was another. Penis enhancers. Etc. Lots of sexual innuedo in those pop-ups. I think my computer must have thought I was hard up or something.

Then I took my computer into the shop where they removed a bunch of malware and spyware and stuff. Now I get only two popups:
HorrorFest and Wristcutters.

I'm a little afraid of my harddrive now. First it goes from propositioning me for strangers, essentially pimping either me or other people out for dirty anonymous sex. Then I say no and it starts suggested suicide and horror. It's like high school dating all over again.

PS-Happy Halloween!

craps!

My luck/fate/whatever has been feeling a little tarnished lately.
The last two job interviews I went on, the employers decided to "go with another candidate" or that I "wouldn't be moving forward in the selection process." Seriously, I can only think of one other time in my life when I didn't get a job after an interview, I was eighteen and blew the interview on purpose because I didn't want my job to interfere with my aerobics schedule (oh the folly of youth). I fear that I will be stuck doing my current line of work forever because branching out isn't working out so well. And frankly, at this point in my life, I am not really willing to take a pay cut or work horrendously long hours so that I can prove myself in another occupation.
My housing situation is making me so fucking stressed out. My roommate bought a house with her boyfriend. My relationship situation is still a little rocky, or at least not doing well enough for us to be uber-confident. So, any previous mention of moving in together has dissipated except for him to suggest that I move into his place with his other two roommates, no closet space, and one bathroom. I'm pretty sure that I should have just stayed in my old apartment, actually I started feeling that way after about a month of living here. I'm honestly trying to figure out what I gained from the last year of living here and I guess it's that sometimes a person should just stay where they are, particularly when they're generally happy and satisfied with it. Sometimes bigger and nicer does not necessarily mean better. Sometimes moving up really is just an illusion.
I am developing a general state of loathing for one of my coworkers. On the days she is there, I can barely stand to be there myself. The sound of her voice is like some obscene speaker torture like when they played Van Halen over and over again in Panama. The other night, one of my coworkers asked why I felt so comfortable talking to other people about their not doing their work or generally being annoying but I don't talk to her about it. And it isn't because I'm intimidated by her, she's kind of a twit and wouldn't know a good comeback if it ate her face. But I guess it's because no good would come of it. It would just make things worse and then I would hate going in to work even more and I would probably get into trouble. It's funny how one person can have such an effect on your mood. I'm sure I am that person to somebody, probably her.
I need to win the lottery. They say that money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm sure you can get an awesome rent-to-own deal.

the spy who loved me

People who create spyware can seriously rot in a dirty and dank cell full of mold, spiders, rats, and rotting food. My computer is at the shop...AGAIN. I let my anti-virus subscription expire and like a day later my computer was just infested with spyware. It's just so lame to think that the people (techie guys, not necessarily the store I took my computer to) I take my computer to are probably the same guys writing code for viruses and such. It's like pharmacy companies developing disease so that they can sell the remedy...oh wait that kind of happens doesn't it?

birthday wishes

A friend of mine had this saying, or at least somebody he knew had the saying, and I'm sure that that somebody heard it from somebody else, and so on...

It went a little something like this,
"If wishes and buts were fishes and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas."
I'm not exactly sure what it means. But I do like me some wishes and I likes me some fishes and I got lots of buts and nuts going on...
so on with the birthday list!

Things I want for my birthday:

World Peace
A cheap and lovely apartment (with a parking space) on the hill, preferably the west side of Broadway...ie my old apartment
Fixing or replacing/upgrading my iPod
Fixing or replacing/upgrading my computer
A virus scanner, firewall, pop-up blocker provider with lifelong subscription for said fixed/replaced/upgraded computer
Heroes Season 1 on DVD (too bad season 2 sucks so bad, damn you sophmore slump)
A bad bad case of laryngitis that miraculously makes you work harder (for one of my coworkers, not me...I don't want to work hard)
A winning lottery ticket (and not necessarily just powerball...I'd take just a few million, I'm not greedy)
All expenses paid trip to India or Brazil for four-six weeks
Sewing lessons
Cello lessons
A cello
Summer weather
A visit to the hair salon
Hugs
World Peace

See, I don't ask for much.

em.em.em

This is a sort-of secret because several people already know about it, but I've got another blog out there in cyberspaceland. It's my more "serious" blog. I used to be pretty serious about blogging a while back. Then I up and deleted the blog, named The Temple of Divine Disenchantments (No Vacancies at the blog's conception). But after not having a blog for a minute, I realized I couldn't stay away, so the new blog Rising was reborn (insert bad reference to a Phoenix rising from its ashes here).

At any rate, one of my posts has a spammer comment that is INSANE. It's like a fucking diatribe of nonsense. I couldn't read the majority of it because it is also very LONG!!!! However, while scanning I found this little tidbiddily piece of information that I wanted to share with all of you. And just to remind you before you start reading...Masil quite literally means magic!

"People want "magic"." Magic is the sign of evil, for the gods are employing their powers to hurt the disfavored.
"Magic" would have only been used to enhanced their tactics had this gone corporate.
When they employ magic the gods get something out of it. That's how it works. The total absence of magic about this educational process says something very, very positive about me and the Final Prophet event.
It was magic that led people into homosexuality, promiscuity, addiction, degeneracy. IF YOU FEEL MAGIC REPEL FROM IT, as hard as that may be. It's their way of making things increasingly more difficult, a chronic behavior people from the 20th century should be VERY familiar with.

Oh well...at least he didn't say magic was chunky............

party girl

I went to a really fun, albeit emotionally intense, wedding this weekend. It may be one of the most fun weddings I've been to. There was free wine and beer, the chicken dance and the electric slide, noodles in chinese food take-out boxes, and an eclectic mix of fun people. I wore this cute little party dress that belongs to my sister. It was adorable and it gave me the hourglass shape that I don't normally have due to being built like a plow pulling ox. I got quite a few compliments...and there was THIS conversation (not totally verbatim because it's been a few days and I've forgotten...but it's pretty fucking accurate):

(Me walking past a large and full table. Pause as older woman grabs me by the arm to talk to me)
Her: You know, we already wore those dresses back in the 1950s.
Me: Oh, I love this style of dress. But geez, were you able to breathe in these dresses because I can barely breathe right now.
Her: Oh, well we weren't nearly as chunky back then.
Me: Oh...
Her: It was after the war, I guess we just didn't have as much food back then.
Me: Oh...

Seriously, this is the second time in the last six months that some older person has called me chunky. Well, I guess that's better than when my mom squeezes my muffin top and asks me what I've been eating lately.

worm catching

Now that the boy is back in school, he has "normal" hours. Every once in a while I too will wake up during the hours when egg mcmuffins are still purchasable in solidarity with my early-rising brothers and sisters. It's pretty alright I guess. Coffee really DOES seem to taste a little better at 8am. People seem much more "on the move" during the sort-of wee hours of the morning. The televisions at the gym are NOT playing soap operas. But now I have a little TOO much time on my hands. It's not even noon and I've done most of the things that I would normally do right up until the very second I rush out of the door to work. It's a little strange not feeling constrained for time...

reading rainbows

Rediscoving the library has been pretty great. You don't even really have to go to the library anymore other than for the quick self-service grocery store-like check out thing. I've read quite a few books lately, some good & some not-so-good. That is UNTIL I started reading the funniest thing I have read in a very very long time. It is seriously laugh-out-loud funny. I'm sure I made quite the spectacle at the gym this morning when I kept laughing openly during my attempts at mastering the stairmaster (thusly, I am no master of said machinery). If you need a good read, check out Colors Insulting to Nature. The book is outrageous, funny, campy and over-the-top in its gloriousness. Or even if you don't want to read this book, you should still get a library card. Reading is FUNdamental.

strawberry fields and marmalade skies

I saw Across the Universe this weekend. I don't know what it is about movie musicals primarily composed of Beatles songs...but I am enamored. It was cheesy, predictable, over-the-top and I LOVED IT! I could watch it again and again. And seriously, in a perfect world of all my wishes being granted, a mod-ish Brit guy who can serenade you, definitely for me.

flu season

I feel like I've been infected with other people's doubts and questions. It feels a bit like a virus. Cell by cell, my certainty about my relationship is being taken over by the questions and doubts of others. By two people mostly, my partner and my therapist, the two people with the greatest insight into my love life. Am I wrong to think that sometimes fights happen? Am I wrong to believe that hardships are inevitable and that sometimes sacrifice is required? Do I have some antiquated notion about love and relationships? I know that my faults, my problems, my baggage all play into OUR problems. I know that I probably couldn't date myself. I know that there are some things that won't change on his end. I know that he thinks he's trying as hard as he can. And for a long time, I still knew that it was all worth it. But now I'm not so sure, I don't KNOW any longer. I have more questions, more doubts, more uncertainty. I'm flailing about while the virus tries to take over, trying to find the emotional equivalent to emergen-c.

oddities

I'm not sure what happened but my computer is working again. I had taken some things out of quarantine because the last thing I did before the computer stopped working was run ad-aware. Then it seemed like it still wasn't working. But lo and behold, I come back from vacation and it is working again. Except that now I have a shit-ton of pop-ups!!!
I missed this place. There were several moments in the last few weeks where I felt like I really needed a safe-haven. A place to ramble and vent and a refuge for my blatherings. I am, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your perspective, a privately emotional person. Not too many people get invited into my emotional house. So I end up feeling like I burden those who are allowed the sit on my emotional couch and take a look at my emotional photoalbums and quite possibly sneak through my emotional medicine cabinet. And I don't want to burden anybody, so I keep a lot of it to myself...and sometimes that gets to be too much.
What that means here though is that I am going to start using this space as more of an outlet. More blathering, more pseudo-introspective bullshit, more annoying self-centered yakety yak. Hopefully it won't be too overwhelming for the one and a half people who read this!

bear necessity

I just came back from a great little weekend jaunt to British Columbia. But despite the fabulousness, karmic retribution is walking up my driveway with fist at the ready to knock on my door.
You see, after our all too brief stop in Vancouver to see the loveliest of ladies, Jessica and Anne, we drove the rest of the way up to Whistler where we were to spend the weekend with a group of awesome people and quite possibly the cutest little wee one (outside of my gene pool and therefore outside of my instinctual need to love them more than anybody else).
The drive wasn't particularly trecherous or onerous, and I guess cars and drivers aren't the only things to think so. Because on the drive, a black bear decided to walk onto the roadway and right in front of my car. Yes indeedy, I hit a bear...with my car.
I saw it up ahead and managed to slam on my breaks and slow down to about 10-15 mph (or 20-25 kmph since we were in Canada and they smartly do the whole metric thing), but I still hit it head on. It was probably a younger bear, an adolescent maybe.
It's a strange thing hitting a bear, I mean you can't exactly get out of the car to check on a pissed off and injured bear! But I don't think I hurt it too badly, it jumped up and ran back off into the woods. Then we pulled over and a bunch of Canadian kids came and checked on us. We were okay, just really shaken up (not stirred) and the car didn't seem too bad off, so we decided to finish driving. I spent most of the time about to cry because I HIT A BEAR.
For christ's sake, I have never even run over a squirrel and I lived in Kentucky and drove through the backwoods almost every day for two years. And we were on a busy part of the freeway. And....and....and....I feel terrible about it.

ok computer

Garrrrr, I did it again. I managed to screw up my computer somehow and I can't get connected to the internet. So my posting will be sporadic at best until I can get it back to the shop. But I will have fun stuff to talk about when I get the chance. Like how I broadsided a black bear on the highway this weekend.

camp jamboree

I went to the third or fourth or five hundrenth outdoor camping party thing of the summer this weekend. I had an okay time. I ended up getting indigestion really badly, so badly that I ended up throwing up...inside of my tent...again. I am slowly becoming THAT GIRL, the "Hey isn't that the girl who always throws up?" girl. At least is feels that way since I've thrown up publically twice in the space of eight days, though this latest time having nothing to do with telling my bartender friend to mix me drinks strong enough to make my future children stillborn and there was definitely a lot less fanfare this time around. One of the most obvious indications that my body is aging and my maturity level is not is the fact that I cannot hold my liquor anymore but I still try drinking too much too quickly. Somewhere between my first drink and my third or fourth drink, I get really messed up. The happy buzzed period no longer exists in my world of alcohol induced revelry.

one step forward, two steps back, jump to the left, stumble in a circle

The past two years have been really good for me in terms of personal growth. When I moved back to Washington, I decided that I needed to work on my ways of communicating with the world and people and most imporatantly myself. I knew that I had to do this work in order to be happier and to find more happiness. For the most part, I think I've done a lot of good things in those areas. For the most part, I'm proud of myself for having done so. But there is also a lot of stuff lingering in the corners and half-emptied boxes of my internal world. And I forget about them until they surprise me by making themselves all too visible. Then I remember how far from being done with working on myself I actually am. And I get sad because my ability to work on myself may not be as fast as is needed to be make certain things in my life work. But I guess I just need to wait-and-see, an attitude I'm still working on...

rocky mountain high

One of my favorite scenes in Parenthood is the one in which Grandma starts talking about rollercoasters vs. ferris wheels as a metaphor for life. Some people like the constant predictable revolutions of a ferris wheel and some people prefer the exciting ups and downs of a rollercoaster. I often think that I prefer the rollercoaster but that's clearly all very situational.
In my love life, the rollercoaster isn't quite the thrill that it is in other aspects of my life. And the past few days have been a rollercoaster. Over the weekend I started feeling the chuggy steady climb into an area of my relationship that creates a feeling of incredible vulnerability and true to a real rollercoaster I started to anticipate the drop ahead. But instead of waiting for the dip, waiting to see if it was going to be big or small, I preemptively started screaming and flailing around. And the consequences of my premature action to an expected reaction have been severe.
The boy and I almost broke up. I said some terrible things to him because I let myself feel more hurt about a situation than the situation actually warranted, a monster from the past that resurfaced with a great roar, an open mouth full of jagged but razor sharp teeth. I hurt him to vindicate the hurt in myself. As he correctly pointed out, I used my monster to try to re-exert some semblance of control when I felt that my feelings of security were not in my control.
But the insane thing is that because of my actions, I created an even worse situation. I tried to grab control and then ended up having almost none.

thank heaven for little boys

As I was walking past the Garfield Community Center, the wee-ones were outside playing. Most of the children were running amuck, sliding and swinging and twirling about. Except for one very adorable pair, a beautiful little girl and her little friend who I only saw from behind. And then I saw his behind. As he was standing there talking to his little friend, he pulled down his pants. All the way down to his ankles. And then he looked to be grabbing his wee crotch. His little cutie friend didn't seem the slightest bit concerned and kept talking to him while one of the adults yells over, "Nathan...what are you doing?" As I walked past, he still hadn't pulled his pants up and I smiled at the caretaker who had the look of somebody trying to be stern while holding in a big big laugh.

cops

On Saturday morning, after a hard night of partying, the boy and I got home and decided to walk the dogs. The sun had already risen so we were walking them in daylight. We start going on one of my usual treks, I thought it might be nice to walk towards the lake since it was turning out to be such a beautiful morning. As we're heading in that direction, we pass by some shady looking fellas. As a little reminder, I live in a very much gentrified neighborhood but there are still some vestiges of a part of the city that was crippled with a crack problem in the 80s and 90s. While we are passing them and a gas station, one of the duo yells to some other people at the gas station, "One ton coming!" And as he finishes yelling this, a cop pulls up. There are three-four more guys hanging out in the gas station and a couple of woman in a car...clearly having been in the middle of a drug deal. So the cop car sidles up and stops on the street outside of the gas station. The guys in the parking lot all split up and one of them each stands at the corner of the intersection that the boy, the dogs and myself are standing and where I am standing as still as I can and praying that the crosswalk light will change soon. There is this massive overwhelming feeling of tension in the air and that fucking street light takes forever to change, but eventually it does and we walk on as the cop is pulling away and the people at the gas station disperse.

houdini

I swear I posted something here last night. I'm positive that I wrote a paragraph, replete with complete sentences and then hit the publish button. But alas, it must have been a bunch of horse shit because the blog post opted not to post itself.
Ahhh well. I basically tried to recount my soggy weekend of not-so-glamorous camping where our tent ended up with a half an inch of rain in the bottom and everybody there had a good time because if they didn't, the nightmare of dampness might actually sink in.

breaking up

Social networking friends are like a really bad boyfriend. They come, they go, they leave without giving you a reason. I actually find myself getting annoyed when my friend catalog gets incrementally smaller from day to day. Mostly I'm annoyed because I spend a second or two wondering who deleted me...not that I care...no wait I DO care! Where did you go friend? Don't just delete a mofo...tell a sistah what's up, give a bitch a second chance, or at the very least...a comment break up. Come on now.

PS-In case it wasn't glaringly obvious...I kid. I don't care...THAT much. ;)

hanging on and letting go

I forget...is there an expiration date on feeling bad about something? I don't mean the feeling REALLY bad part, where your emotions become this possessing force that stun you and make you incapable of moving in any direction. What I mean are the lingering bad feelings. The ones that make take you by surprise and make you second guess yourself and your other. The ones that alter your perception, however minutely, so that those little things that flew right past you somehow end up becoming the gnat on the windshield. How long? A week, a month, a year, forever?

hard knock life

I've just had one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. I'd forgotten how difficult love and relationships can be. I'd forgotten about the BIG problems.
Boundaries are such a strange thing. It's funny that everybody just assumes that everybody else has the same boundaries, as if there is some complicit agreement that because you agreed to be with somebody, you agreed to accept everything about them. It's also funny how boundaries never get discussed until something "bad" happens, sometimes not until it's too late.
Luckily it wasn't too late for me and for us, but for a while it felt like the timer was winding down to the last few seconds. And during those moments, I thought that I just couldn't handle another break-up. Especially this time around, when I wouldn't be able to extricate myself from the other person's life and friends and inevitable witness to each other moving on as completely as I've been able to in the past.
But I don't have to worry about that now. We decided as couple that we would grow rather than grow apart. I'm surprisingly optimistic.

underemployed

I went on a job interview today. From the posting, it sounded pretty close to what I was looking for. The right hours, right number of days, close enough to where I live, blah blah blah. But as it turns out, it wasn't what I was looking for. I feel a little disappointed, I was excited by the prospect of not having to work weekends or holidays any longer. In the end though, I guess it's fine. I don't have it so bad at my current job. And it's nice to know that if things got desperate, there are other jobs places out there willing to pay too much for what you would actually be doing.

good morning sunshine

I've been waking up to clear blue skies for about a week. Summer is definitely here. But what do we do with summer as grown ups? As children it seemed pretty clear...wake up, go outside, play until you had to eat or go to the bathroom or you lost a digit. Then you went home for as short an amount of time as possible and went back outside to play and play and play until curfew. As adults, there is so much more possibility. So why did I stay home yesterday? I need a hobby. Anyone got one they can loan me?

that sh*t is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s

On Saturday I decided to make banana bread, not to eat mind you, just to get rid of overly ripe bananas. I took the one loaf that didn't come out gross in to work. Before I actually got to work though, I decided that I had to go to Bartell's and buy a pair of tweezers and a headband. So there I am, standing in line with my random purchases and my loaf of banana bread when this older gentleman, probably in his 70s, get in line behind me and starts conversating.
Him: Are you gonna share whatever smells so good or are you keeping in for yourself?
Me: Oh, I'm sharing it all right.
Him: That's nice.
Me: Well the reason I'm sharing it is because I probably would eat it all to myself and I'd like to spend one less day at the gym.
Him: Well that's pretty smart. (Pause). But a smart man likes a chunky lady so don't go losing too much weight.
Me: Oh, I don't think that'll ever be a problem.

It was really cute and funny. Especially since he said chunky. I usually only reserve that word for toddlers and peanut butter.

what dreams may come

I just had the most wonderful wonderful vacation.
First we went to Hailey, Idaho...otherwise known as the town of Bruce Willis. It was really beautiful and really hot! I met the boy's family and enjoyed spending time with them. My nervousness was in vain, they were really cool. And apparently the feeling was mutual, I have been branded a keeper.
After family time, we returned to Boise and hung out for a quick minute before heading up to Twin Springs and attending quite possibly the best outdoor festival/party I have ever been to. Seriously, it was glorious. There is just something about being outdoors, being surrounded by the majesty of mountains, a river, and hot springs that just takes the joy of a party to a whole new level. And this year (much like last year) there was awesome music, beautiful people, art...and FIRE. One of the Idaho-burners built flame-throwers to attach to the main dome. They shot flames over ten feet long, maybe even up to twenty feet. And the flames were controlled by a switch kept by the DJs' side. There's something quite spectacular about a massive flame shooting out at the exact moment that a beat drops. And there was a beach party too...music, food, friends, bloody marys, topless and bottomless sunbathers, cliff diving. It was as close to heaven as I've ever gotten.

swimmer's ear

Swimming suit shopping should be listed as a method of torture in the Geneva Convention. I am completely demoralized.
And to whomever invented the Miracle-suit...you sir are an asshole! Why you would think that any woman would want the fat from their bellies displaced until it becomes a massive fat roll spilling over the back is beyond me! There is a very very very bad place in hell waiting for you!

mimicry

It was inevitable. Knowing so many djs, bedroom and otherwise...eventually I would feel compelled to try and mix a couple of records. And I did exactly that...TRIED to mix records. Nothing will give you respect for somebody's skills faster than a little perspective on how some things are not nearly as easy as people make them seem. I only tried for about thirty minutes before I made myself stop. My stubborn streak is more like a stubborn gash. I'm the kind of person that thinks that "Bloody Knuckles" is more than just the name of the game...it's the final destination, the ultimate goal. So it was good that I stopped before deciding that staying awake for three days trying to cue a record was the thing to do.

potato head

I am, yet again, heading to Idaho this week. This will be the third time in a year that I have travelled to the land o' potatoes and skinheads. Let me tell you, that's three more times than I would have expected to have gone.
This time around though there will be more family introductions. I've already met the boy's mother and step-father, separately and during short meals at restaraunts. But this time it'll be the whole family and it'll be on their turf. Meeting the family includes the sister who I am most nervous about meeting and her husband who apparently likes to push people's buttons, of which I have many and they are incredibly molestable.
It's funny how, though I am now a woman in her thirties and have done this whole family dance...it still makes me feel like an awkward teenager. I've even thought that maybe I should go buy some new clothes so I don't look slobby. If there was overnight lipo, I might consider that as well. And I need my hair dyed. And I should get a manicure. And I have NO SHOES!!! It's all very silly.

family ties

I have just spent a long weekend doing a bunch of family stuff. My sister finished her undergrad degree, she got it just in the nick of time before hitting thirty. My brother got promoted to a higher rank in the military, he's so gung-ho that it really wouldn't surprise me at all if he ended up like Colin Powell one day. My dad came into town for my sister's graduation and he finally decided that it was time to acknowledge the elephant in the room, his girlfriend of five years. Now, that isn't to say that none of us knew about her. We all knew about her, even my mom, mostly because I decided to tell her about my dad's lady when I moved back here. I thought, "We're all adults, my parents have been divorced for years...it's not like my dad left my mom for this woman. It'll be fine." And so for a while it seemed like it was fine. Even when my dad first mentioned bringing Robin, it seemed like it would be okay.
But alas...it was NOT okay. It was very much not okay. My mom ended up being a slice of the bitterest fruit imaginable. She refused to sit with us at the graduation. Then later when she finally could not avoid a tete-a-tete with the new ladyfriend, she refused to look her in the eye, had the face of somebody getting a colonoscopy the whole time, and then proceeded to say some incredibly rude things.
It probably could have been a lot worse. My mom isn't always the most emotionally balanced person in the world. What kills me is the perception of it all. My mom thinks that what she did proved some kind of point, she probably feels some kind of internal validation. The rest of us are a little horrified that she could be so rude. And part of me really hoped that she would suck it up and act like the adult she is but then she didn't and I had to admit that in this instance, I gave her too much credit.
Ah well. That was the only "down" side of the weekend and it only took up about fifteen total minutes of real time. Everything else was great. My dad's new lady seems like a wonderful woman (I had not met her in person before this). We're all proud of my brother and sister. The boy met my dad and that seemed to go well. Next time maybe we'll get my mom on board with the whole happy family thing.

backwards

It is one of life's interesting conundrums:

When you find that you need love, comfort and reassurance, you find it easier to push away the very people who can give you what you need.

quizlet

1. Do you know anyone in Prison?
Indeed.
2. Have you ever logged onto a bf/gf/crush's myspace page?
Yes, but only while typing in his password with him sitting next to me. Then I block the information from my memory so it can never be used illicitly.
3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Last night for dinner. I really need to go grocery shopping.
5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
I'm pleading the fifth on that one...and pleading it at least four or five times.
6. Name someone you miss.
My Kentrucky friends!
7. Are you named after a grandparent?
No, but I have an aunt's middle name.
8. Who loves you?
Telly Savalas
9. Have you ever broken a rib?
Just at Tony Roma's
10. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?
I'd rather be a asexual amoeba. But then I'd need birth control for masturbation.
11. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
I dunno...I'm pretty sure my sister's expiration date is way far gone.
12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
I'm gonna have to know what the compound interest rates are for both before I make that decision. Cause love ain't buying me a condo and a million bucks ain't gonna tell me I look beautiful when I wake up in the morning.
13. Have you ever had sex in church?
No way. That's just weird.
14. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a Marine?
Oh no.
15. What would you describe your last relationship as:
A good life experience.
16. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?
Two years is pretty irrelevant in either direction.
17. What's your favorite junk food?
French fries.
18. Do you have a porn collection?
I have a few things left over from a previous collection now apparently owned by the ex of my friend who has a midget fetish.
19. Is your birthday on a holiday?
No but it often falls on Veteran's Day weekend....which only gets you a day off if you work for the gubbment.
20. Are you old enough to vote?
I'll be old enough to run for president soon.
21. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
Yes, we are all affected by the war whether or not we are deployed there.
22. Are you a vegetarian?
Mwahhhh Hahahahahhaa...
23. Do you worry about global warming?
I worry about worrying...
24. Do you like polar bears?
Oh yes...medium well with a side of hollondaise.
25. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Fat Bottomed Girls
26. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor?
No...
27. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
I had crazy dreams about flying and fairies and men without faces who would chase me through Paris. So...ummm....yeah.
28. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes?
He has some bikini briefs that I like to wear sometimes. They're leopard printed.
29. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
City slicker.
30.Are you taller than 5'6"?
Yes, considering my gene pool...I ended up on the winning end of the height lottery.
31. Do you consider yourself spoiled?
No, last time I smelled myself, it seemed like I was still drinkable.

harry and the hendersons

Went to Sasquatch for the first time this past weekend. Rather than a long drawn out post detailing the minutia of the weekend, like overflowing port-o-potties and gross ass "chicken" gyros, I'll just speed things up a bit with a five most memorable things list:

5. Watching seriously drunk people stumble over to our camp and make complete and total asses of themselves. Including a girl who tried to steal our chairs, then when told they weren't hers...tried to smash them. And the guy who was being hazed and apparently pulled down his pants to pee while splayed out on the ground and then started to hump the grass.

4. The GORGE! Now I see why it is considering the most beautiful venue in the U.S. It was gorgeous, even on Sunday when the cold and strong wind caused the people in charge to close down a couple of stages.

3. Ghostland Observatory. In my next life, I want to come back as a beautiful and androgynous Native American dude who may be the only person ever to get away with wearing the tightest pants I have ever seen.


Seriously, the look of confusion on some of the men's faces as they wondered where the tingly feelings in their tummies were coming from because of the guy on stage was priceless.

2. Hanging out with awesome friends. In a crowd of tens of thousands, it's always a great feeling when you run across your friends/family and get to hang out.

1. The most magical, gorgeous, pixie goddess of light and magic with the best act I have ever seen in my entire life...BJORK!


My god...it was quite possibly the most amazing experience I have had... EVER! I thought I was going to give birth to a big ball of joy during her set. I was enraptured and enthralled. She seriously could have gotten me to commit ritual suicide I was so wrapped up in her. I get shivers just thinking about it. That one set made the entire weekend worth it!!!

sasquatch

We went to Sasquatch Festival this weekend at the Gorge Ampitheater in eastern Washington. It was a good time. My coworker, with the same moniker incidentally, saw a lot of the same bands at Coachella that were playing at Sasquatch. She came back not very impressed. With that in mind I kept my expectations fairly minimal. But I thought there were a lot of really good bands. My personal favorites included Ghostland Observatory, who had the most amazingly beautiful lead singer in quite possibly the tightest pants I have ever seen. Electrolene was a really cool band made up of all women. Arcade Fire was really cool. And then there was Bjork. Oh Bjork, fairy goddess of light and magic. I think I had a religious experience during Bjork. She had me completely and utterly enraptured. Her show was AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and EXHILERATING!!! That show alone made the time, money, and effort worth it. Then there was Sunday. It ended up a mellow day with high winds that shut down a few stages. The only band that really caught my attention was The Dandy Warhols. The Beastie Boys just didn't do it for me, I fell asleep. Camping and port-o-potties turned out to be not so bad. My camp and fellow campers were fun. I didn't spend too much money. All in all, a very good weekend.

electrocution

I need a jolt, a shock, a sudden burst of...(long drawn out dramatic pause)... something. I need a little excitement in my life, preferably veering in the more positive direction. The hum-drumminess is starting to get to me. I'm bored. And when I'm bored I get cranky. I'm like a toddler that way. I need to refocus my energy into something. Exercise got boring and I've got the fifteen recently gained pounds to prove it. People got boring and I've got the marginally rewarding relationships to prove that as well. What to do, what to do?

new news

Gosh, having been gone since January you would think I would have a veritable buffet of stuff to talk about. But ehhhhh...not really.
I guess the only big change for me has been that I moved out of my old crack-alley apartment and moved into the "hood" of Seattle. And by "hood" I really mean super-gentrified neighborhood where housing prices have rocketed through the roof and into the upper stratosphere and the original habitants are being swiftly kicked out and replaced by super bourgeois latte-swilling yuppsters who would never do the suburbs. I moved in with a friend and it's been a re-learning experience of why I'm just really not a very easy person to live with.
Other than that, things are pretty much the same. Still with the same boy, that's going well. Still at the same job, that's still tolerable though maybe less so now that I suspect they will be telling us we have to start working every other weekend again. Still have the best dog ever, a fact now confirmed by my roommate's dog who I believe has the puppy equivalent of both ADHD and autism. Still trucking along...

gone, not forgotten

After a many-monthed unexplained disappearance, I am really and truley back. My computer went into a long and unexpected hibernation due to an evil takeover bid by spyware. Luckily, in the end, they lost. But they did manage to accrue massive casualties, like all of the photographs I had on my harddrive, six years of memories lost. Ah well...what can you do? Other than learn how to properly use your backup harddrive...

champagne wishes and playa dreams

I had trouble sleeping last night, too much diet dr. pepper at work I guess. But when I did happen to cross paths with the Sandman, he led me down portals into playa dreamland. I had the most amazing Burningman dreams last night, not surprising since the season is starting to pick up. In part of it, I got hooked up with a person who I thought was Elvis Costello but turned out to be a powerful shaman who let us share campspace with them right off of the Esplanade. Sigh.

soulwax...the best show in seattle yet

How you know a show rules:

A. You sweat way more during the headlining set then you ever do spending several hours at the gym.
B. Some random guy tells you that you're the only girl in the joint who knows how to dance and you rocked out so hard that you actually believe him.
C. You jump up and down so much that you reminisce about your heydays of mosh-pit glory.
D. You forget you have a raging knee injury until after you leave and the throbbing throbbing pain returns on the walk home.
And most importantly...E. You have to pee really really badly the entire set (and after four beers) but the music is so good and you so very much don't want to leave that you spend an entire hour peeing in your pants a little bit and don't even fucking care.

contemplation

It's Friday night and I'm doing this, trying to resurrect some feeling of release. I could be out doing something right now, hanging out with friends or other people I hardly know, somehow convincing myself that becase I am outside of the four walls I call home, I have stumbled upon the magical "something" I'm supposed to be doing. But here in my living room, I have done something important. I've realized that I've let myself make split second decisions about the quality of a person based on a few couple-o-second interactions...probably less time than I would spend drunkenly ordering something at the Jack in the Box drive thru. In this particular case, I totally misjudged somebody, I'd given them no credit when they deserve mounds of it. And had I not found the thing that showed me that I was so wrong, I would have continued with my assumptions and never known that I had been around an amazing person several times. I'm a little sad about that.

mono

One Word Survey
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? lost
3. Your hair? graying
4. Work? tedium
5. Your father? trying
6. Your favorite thing? naughty
7. Your dream last night? ambieny
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream car? pre-paid
10. The room you're in? living
11. Your pet? iniki
12. Your fears? disempowerent
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? living
14. Where did you hang out last night? home
15. What you're not good at? coping
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex? juvenile
17. One of your wish list items? travel
18. Where you grew up? everywhere
19. The last thing you did? pooped
20. What are you wearing? jammies
21. what aren't you wearing? bra
22. The website you're on? duh
23. Your computer? broken
24. Your life? calm
25. Your mood? calm
26. Missing? devo
27. What are you thinking about right now? exercise
28. Your car? hooptie
29. Song? presets
30. Your summer? debaucherous
31. Your relationship status? deep
32. Your favorite color? blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
34. Last time you cried? yesterday
35. School? lew-ah-vaul

guilty pleasure

Everybody has a guilty pleasure. For some people it's a food item that they rarely allow themselves, usually some kind of dairy product like cheese or ice cream. For some it's shopping, buying something a little more expensive than you really should. Others prefer guilty pleasure television watching, Dancing with the Stars or America's Next Top Model. Not me though. For me...it's wearing maternity clothes. I love buying and wearing maternity clothes...I hang out in the mommy-to-be section at Target a lot. And I don't have some weird pregnancy obsession, as far as I'm concerned my uterus has been marked condemned for quite some time. Maternity clothes are just so darn comfy...

relationships

The roomie and I each have a dog and each of them are used to being top dog in the house. So now that we've brought the two together into one household, it has been incredibly interesting watching the plays for dominance and power work themselves out. Iniki is the older, seasoned dog with the skills to pay the bills and Atticus is the newbie, full of inexperienced and boundless energy. One minute the young grasshopper is the humper and the next thing you know the wise one is pumping some serious ass. The coolest part about it is how fucking honest and out in the open it is. No underhanded, passive-aggressive, scheming manipulations. It's not Survivor up in the this joint. It's just straight up, ultimate fighting style, victor takes the spoils. And not that I'm playing favorites or anything...but I think Iniki might have won the last few rounds.

conversation stopper

I walked past a pair of people having this conversation yesterday:

Her: He comes to your office sometimes...
Him: (Shrugs like he doesn't know what she's talking about)
Her: You know, the really dark one. The one that looks like he's really from Africa.
Him: Yeah, the real deal.

Seriously, I laughed out loud at them when they said that. I couldn't help myself. Are there real deal "dark" people? As if the ones we have here are fake? Effin-Aye, people are dumb.

dying for health

I've been having these weird allergic reactions since moving back to Seattle. Basically the reactions are caused by eating, then going outside to do some kind of physical activity like walking my puppy. Then for some inexplicable reason I start getting really itchy and break out in HUGE hives all over my body. There is no rhyme or reason as to why this keeps happening.
At first I thought I was allergic to hummus but it didn't happen every time I ate hummus, in fact it often DIDN'T happen when I ate hummus. Then it happened when I had a PB&J. Then it happened again when I had a chicken sandwich. The only commanality was the eating then doing something "active."
But yesterday I had the WORST episode I have ever had. I went to breakfast with the boy, we ate at Glo's, I had a ton of food and then to repent for my gluttonous behavior, I went to the gym. An hour later I started to feel a little itchy so I took a benadryl. Then on my walk from the car to the gym, about five blocks, my ENTIRE body breaks out in the biggest hives I've ever seen. MY!ENTIRE!BODY! My mouth and face started swelling for the first time and my tongue started swelling too.
That's when I got worried. If I collapsed on Capital Hill would all the hipster kids just walk by and take pictures of me on their cell phones to post on their myspace blog? Would the homeless guy on the corner of Summit and Olive be the one to give me mouth to mouth?
I drove home and stripped down only to find that all of the individual hives had merged into one giant hive colony that covered my body, I looked like I had elephantitis or something. It was GROSS! But after some more benadryl and an allergy pill, I got better, though my skin felt like it was crawling all night at work. Not fun.
So I did a little research. It seems that I have exercise induced anaphylaxia. Basically EIA is an allergic reaction with a triggering factor, often food or anti-inflammatory drugs. People eat or take ibuprofen or something, then they go exercise and their bodies have an allergic response.
It's totally random, you can do the same thing forty times and then the forty-first you'll have the reaction, then you can do it another forty times and nothing. The foods commonly associated with EIA are some fruits, wheat, cheese, chick peas...healthy shit.
So to wrap all this up...I mean seriously...how can I be allergic to something that's good for me like exercise? Can't I be allergic to chocolate and sitting on my ass all day? I swear, my body is like a fucking bear getting ready for hiberation. All it wants is to hoard and store fat and then be lazy.

oh my god!!!

The 7th and final Harry Potter book is coming out in July!!! That's the best news I've had all week.

interesting reading

I was messing around on the internet while I was waiting for my ebay auction to win and I found this article:

I was speaking with a patient in one of our outpatient programs last week. He excitedly told me that he was on his way to a psychiatric hospital right after our meeting.
I was puzzled until he added that he was going there for a job interview. He's about to complete a mental health counseling degree at a community college. Immediately, I was struck by the extraordinary progress he has made — from being virtually overwhelmed by his schizophrenia to living very effectively with this disease.
I first met this man over 10 years ago during a series of psychiatric hospitalizations for severe psychotic symptoms associated with his schizophrenia. He was tortured by what seemed to be the voice of God saying terrible things to him.
His auditory hallucinations drowned out the daily life around him and he was overwhelmed with bizarre and frightening delusional thoughts. At times, he wanted to end his life to escape the pain of these incessant unreal experiences.
His psychotic experiences seemed so real that he could not accept the fact that he had a psychiatric disorder — and thus he saw no reason to take any medications. Usually, once in the hospital he would take medications, hoping to be discharged sooner; it often worked because his symptoms did improve. Once back home, however, he would discard his prescriptions and stop taking his medications. Before long, he'd be back in the hospital as the psychotic symptoms became more pronounced.
I'm not sure what helped him turn the corner to taking his medications regularly and staying out of the hospital for longer periods of time. It has been many years now since his last psychiatric admission. Perhaps it was a combination of maturity, faith, support from his wife, education, intensive involvement with the outpatient mental health program, and the right combination of medicines. I suspect all were important to him.
In fact, he was functioning so well that I assumed his symptoms were gone. When I asked him about auditory hallucinations, I was surprised when he responded that he continued to experience the demonic voices.
What was different now was that he had learned to differentiate what was real from what was a symptom of his illness. His schizophrenia wasn't cured, but it was under control. That's like having diabetes — the disease is never cured, but it can be managed with education, support from family and friends, effective outpatient treatment, lifestyle changes, and adherence to medications.

But the most interesting part was the comment following the article:

I came across this and thought I would post a comment. Demonic oppression is real, although in our culture it isn't fashionable to believe that God/demons/the devil are real. I suggest your friend read the gospels:Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Jesus dealt with many who were harrassed by demons. Often, someone, whether the individual or their parents, grandparents, or great grandparents, have opened themselves up for demonic attack through occult practices, ouji board games, astral projection, etc. The good news is, there is hope. Jesus came to destroy the work of the devil. The key is repentence, turning away from our own ways, and turning to Jesus. I have personally seen many people set free of demonic oppression. Any born-again, Spirit-filled church should be able to help your friend. Jesus came to give believers back the authority that Adam and Eve lost in the garden. That authority was surrendered to the devil, and only those that understand their authority in Jesus, and truly know Him, can effectively deal with demonic activity. Often, unforgiveness and bitterness are the open doors for this kind of oppression. Jesus taught that unless we forgive others, we will not receive God's forgiveness. In the same way we forgive, we will be forgiven. Often the problem comes through dishonoring one's parents and rebelling. I am not saying that every demonic oppression is the result of sin in one's own life, or one's direct lineage; sometimes it is just the effect of our fallen world. Music is also important. When Saul [in the Bible] found himself tormented by demons (because of his disobedience) a young [soon to be king] David played worship music to God, and the demons ceased to bother Saul when the music played. Although drugs may seem to help, they really only mask the problem--the root is still undealt with. The Greek word for drugs is the word we get pharmeceuticals from. It is also the Greek word for "sorcery" (ie. witchcraft). The literal meaning is "mind-benders". Drugs do not stop pain, they merely mask its effect. Anyway, hoping that you will forward this to your freind, and that he finds it helpful. Have a good day.
WOW!

it's the end of the world as we know it...

I've decided to start taking the stairs more often. Mostly because my body has gotten all paranoid and survivalist and decided to turn itself into a self-contained flotation device, complete with inflatable wings and big old inflatable swimming ring. In other words, I am losing the battle of the bulge and that has nothing to do with WWII. But to get back on track...
So I started taking the stairs and yesterday I took the stairs at work. Just to give a little backstory, I work in a hospital in the basement. And not just your standard basement...I work in the third basement, there are two levels of basement above me. I LITERALLY work in the bowels of hell. Anyway, I take the stairs down to the third level of beezlebub's lair and I noticed something I'd never noticed before. There were a bunch of signs pointing out that my little slice of pergatory is also the nuclear fallout shelter.
YEAH! What that means is that when the end comes, the good news is that I have a pretty good chance of surviving. The bad news is, it'll be up to me and my coworkers to repopulate the planet. And all things considered, this means the make-up of the next generation of mankind will be composed of the following: A. short, B. pudgy, C. balding, D. neurotic, E. anal retentive, F. snarky, and G. REALLY into bad reality television. (Of the above, I consider myself b,d,e, & f).

soul-sucking tv land

I don't know how it happened. No wait, scratch that...I actually know EXACTLY how it happened. It was on the way back from Hawaii, I was not in the most positive of spaces and ended up watching the in-flight entertainment and one of the shows they played was Heroes. I had heard a lot about the show, anybody with even the slightest trace of fan-boy geekiness in them has heard of this show. For god's sake...it's a show about genetic mutations that lead to superpowers. I know, I know...some people hate it because it's a rip-off of X-men...I've rationalized that whole thing by deciding that it's more of an homage (which is way more forgivable). All it took was one show and the next thing I knew I was sitting in front of the computer watching episode after episode on youtube and wherever else I could find the other thirteen episodes I hadn't seen yet. My personal record for marathon viewing clocked in at five episodes in one night. Now I rush home Monday nights to watch the show on the DVR that came with the satellite tv service. It's hard to not be a television zombie when you have a ridiculous amount of stations at your disposal...but I've tried to be diligent about not watching the boob tube. Except for Heroes...I'm hooked.

icky sicky

I started getting a little sick on Wednesday. I used to have a great immune system but no matter how great, it's practically impossible to stand constant vigil against sickness when you are dating somebody who can catch a cold from a fire. I initially thought it was a cold and that it would pass fairly quickly, I joked about the severity of my sickness with others...maybe that was my ultimate karmic downfall. Because come Friday, as I lay on Devin's couch watching season 3 of The L Word, I started to feel much worse. Then I fell asleep and into one of the most hallucinatory fevers I've ever had. I woke up at the peak of my fever and was fully convinced that I had somehow been transplanted into a jungle. I don't even quite recall how I ended up in the bathroom but I remember trying to find my machete. Eventually I went to the ER, not because I thought I needed to be hospitalized...mostly because I needed to get a doctor's note for missing so much work and them's the breaks when you get sick on a Friday night. As it turned out I had a trifecta of disease: A.a viral upper respiratory infection with bronchitis, B. a sinus infection, and C. the flu. YEAH! If you're going to do it, do it all the way. They gave me some intravenous fluids for dehydration, with a pinch of a steroid, an anti-inflammatory, and an antibiotic. Then they gave me oral antibiotics, motrin, and vicodin. I'm not really sure what they are treating since viral infections can actually worsen with antibiotic use, but at least I got the vicodin so that I don't have to think about it very much.

settling down and disappearing

I'm almost done moving. I turned in my keys to my old place yesterday. I'm almost completely set up here with the exception of needing to get a small desk for my room. The dogs are getting to know one another. And during this time period I feel like I've managed to fall off of the face of the earth. And I don't know whether or not that is a bad or good thing yet. On the one hand I'm glad to be getting a "break," but from who or what I don't really know, I can't explain the strong desire for hermitage I've had lately. On the other hand I worry that people will forget about little-old-me and I don't know if I would have the energy to spark their memories if that were the case. But if you are reading this, then know that I think of all of you often even if I am a craptastic friend who apparently doesn't believe in email or phone conversations.

honesty and rewards

Sometimes I think that honesty and integrity are worthless endeavors. I decided to do the "right" thing regarding some money and my job. I called about some money I will be getting after I noticed that I would be getting paid more than I should. After making the phone calls there is now going to be an inquiry which will probably end up with money being taken out of my paycheck. I guess I should feel good that I am the kind of person who wants fairness and has the integrity to not take advantage...being a "good" person who does the "right" thing SHOULD make me feel some sense of pride of self-respect. But mostly I'm sitting here wishing I hadn't mentioned anything. Particularly considering the fact that my job SCREWED me and is paying me far far far less than I am worth. And consistently messes us my and everybody else's paychecks, rarely if ever in our favor. So the money I would have gotten from them, barely a drop in the bucket compared to the money they have not given me.

So where are the rewards of this thing called honesty?

UPDATE: I get a phone call this morning...apparently, every once in a while David REALLY does beat Goliath. NICE!

movin' on up

I hate moving! I'm at that beginning stage where no matter how much of my seemingly endless piles of shit I put into boxes, I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

aloha

Tomorrow, I am heading to Kauai. It should be fun. I hope it's fun. There will be a lot of people and I imagine a little bit of drama that goes along with a lot of people. But, it'll be okay. I figured out that I need to have one hundred and seventy dollars worth of fun every day that I'm there to break even.