thankful

I saw this on a friend's comment space:

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary
Because it means you've made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.
~ Author Unknown ~

hard

Another of my favorite movie quotes is from A League of Their Own (another sports movie I know). It goes a little something like this:

"It just got too hard."

"It's supposed to be hard, the hard is what makes it good."

I know they don't mean difficult, things shouldn't always be difficult. I know that they mean hard in that it's about how hard you try, striving for betterment, recognizing that something worth having is worth the challenge. The harder you try, the greater the reward. I know that I tried, was willing to continue trying, maybe even tried my hardest, and THAT is what makes me good. Because ultimately it comes down to that, I am good.

little buddha

Keanu Reeves may not be the best actor, but despite his wooden delivery some of his movies have some good quotes. This one, from The Replacements (a super cheese-fest sports movie that I seem to really like for some strange reason) is one that I find fits my general mood of late:

Pain heals,
Chicks dig scars,
Glory lasts forever...

I'm working on step one right now...I'm looking forward to step three.

insults & injuries

It's true, shitty things do come in threes. First it was the relationship ending, that was a huge one. Then it became the stress of needing to move in January (although that stress has been lingering for a while because I am a planner and start worrying about things way too soon). Then finally it became my car. On the way to my mom's house on Wednesday for an early family dinner, my fucking car broke down while I sat in holiday stop and go traffic. Luckily I was able to pull over into a mall parking lot and have my car towed to my mom's house. Having to have your car towed at night right before the holiday is a major pain in the ass. But I guess if I have to look for the silver lining, at least I got my three out of the way quickly, a swift and painful bandage removal.

fighting

I can still hear the words in travelling into my ear and straight to my heart, as if they had been spoken yesterday, "If you leave, I would fight like hell to get you back." That was less than a year ago. Now the story is different. The will to fight became inversely proportional to the frustration of fights begat from conflict. I don't think that early promise was a mistruth or an exaggeration, I believe that when he said it he meant it fully and deeply. I just wish that that conviction was still there, the desire to fight like hell was still there, the knowledge that it was worth the sacrifice and the commitment was still there. I believe it still and part of me doesn't want to stop believing it. But I can't make somebody else believe what I believe and even if I could I don't think I would, despite the personal cost.

stripped

It feels like most of the things I have relied on in the last few years have been stripped away recently. From big things to little things, important things to simple things, taken for granted things and things I have been profoundly grateful for. It's hard to maintain my sense of being a whole person when I am starting to feel like huge chunks of my life are being gouged away. I almost feel like I couldn't take much more without crumbling like a house of cards.

breaking up is hard to do

And so it goes. I am single again and again and again. In the end, the boy didn't want to commit to the work or the relationship. He wanted to work on himself which frankly I am going to interpret as be selfish and not ready to handle the mature responsibilities of commitment and sacrifice. I have been struggling, A LOT. I'm looking for answers that will never be found. I'm asking questions that have no meaning. I can't find the motivation in myself to move anywhere much less move on. I'm grieving, grieving the love I don't have in the way I once did, the love I will no longer be able to give, and the empty space inside of me that feels like it could take me over.

grieving

So after almost two years, the man I am still very much in love with and I have broken up. It wasn't one of those "easy" splits where wrongs can be pinpointed and accusations hurled (though that seems to be happening a little anyway). It's just one of those really fucking unfortunate things that can happen despite two people loving one another. When communication isn't working and the constant cycle of doubt and wonder creeps in and then somebody's investment wanes...sometimes even the most profoundly wonderful love can turn into something else, something painful for both people. We all carry our own baggage, our own personal struggles and doubts and insecurities and neurosis, our own questions of worth and how we identify ourselves, our own level of commitment and sacrifice, our own expectations of others, and our own needs. Sometimes these two things can mesh and when they don't, sometimes compromises can be made. But not this time.

worth

Sometimes, despite what you tell yourself, it's hard not to fall into old patterns. Unfortunately, when things aren't going well...I start to question myself and my worth. Lately the question has become, aren't I worth the effort and the sacrifice? Part of me knows that I am and another part of me is waiting for somebody else to prove it so that I can believe it more fully. The part of me who knows I am is right now, a distant whisper, white noise intermingling in the cacophony of self-doubt and questioning.

disaster

The boy and I are "on a break." We are taking a time out so that we can decide whether or not we are willing and able to do the work necessary to work things out. I think I have decided that I am, I don't know that he will decide that he is. But for my sake and his sake and our sake, I have to give him the time and space to make that decision. And that feels like one of the most painful things for me to do right now, letting go of my desire to control situations in order to make myself more secure and comfortable. I have to let go of my control right now and let him decide what he wants. I have to give him his space and time. I have to let him choose so that I can be secure in the knowledge that if we do decide to try and work things out, both of us are in it together. It's hard to not be hard on myself right now. It's hard not to find ways to point the finger at myself and think that there is something wrong with me, something that is pushing away the person I am still very much in love with. Not that anybody said that this was going to be easy. It's also hard for me to hear that everything is going to be okay because right now, okay seems like a million miles away. I'm a pulsing exposed wound right now and at this point, healing feels impossible.