dog day afternoon

Never one to listen to the advice of a doctor, I opted to not listen to the advice of my vet either. "Don't feed your dog table scraps." These are fine words to live by, particularly considering the horror of the last few days. The pooch ate a bunch of people food on Christmas Eve. And then Christmas day I made him a steak...he deserved something special, particularly since I had to work and left him home all alone. But the present he gave me in return for all of the people food, dear lord... He spent the entire morning vomitting and then just for a little extra sumptin' sumptin', he got a bad case of the runs all over the carpet. And when that happened, I was pulling on my shirt to take him out. So I had to leave him in the bathroom while I was at work and when I came back, it was like Fratboy Fest 2006 had convened. How does a dog puke up his body weight? Luckily today he seems to be doing a lot better so I don't think I'll take him to the vet. But live and learn, no two days binges of table scraps anymore.

for the love of gee-ohh-dee

Current mood:FAT!
Somebody please keep me away from the fucking Christmas cookies! I thought I couldn't possibly shove any more pumpkin pie down my gullet after Thanksgiving, but alas...I have managed to prove myself oh so wrong. Thank god I heard that cellulite was the new black.

girls gone wild

This past weekend, a bunch of friends of the boy came out for a party. It ended up getting quite debaucherous. I did a few things that would shock some of my older friends. I did exceed some of my own limits. As did the boy. I kissed another boy and the boy kissed and groped another girl...all in good fun. But it's more than I would have thought I would do while in a relationship. Sure, during pillow talk, the boy and I might talk about what it would be like to "spice things up a bit." But that's just sexy talk, neither of us would really do that...at least I believe that to be the case. Or I believed that to be the case. I think I've started the sexual equivalent of the slippery slope argument with myself. Because I let myself kiss another male and my boy was okay with that...does that mean next time I'll let myself do a little more. And because I let him kiss another girl without complaint...does that mean I'll be okay with whatever happens next time. I don't want to end up a creepy predatory polyamourous couple. But, to be perfectly frank, I kind of like the idea that exploration isn't just for astronauts.

carion

I feel like I'm being consumed by frustration and tension lately. Maybe it's something as mundane as some seasonal disorder, feeling blue because the skies never seem to be. But that would seem trite, and I refuse to believe that I've allowed my emotional state to become that.
It's been a frustrating week. I tried fasting and only made it 48 of the recommended 240 hours, not that I'm all that upset about my lack of commitment to something that goes against most of what I know. But the effects the fast had on my body were unexpected, I had a week long headache and a almost total lack of clarity. I vow to NEVER give up coffee again.
So, while already feeling like shit I ended up getting incredibly angry with the boy about his decision making. My emotional volatity created a chasm between him and I, one of my own design and therefore only felt by me. The chasm of course beget a lashing out which beget his own anger which beget the ability he has of saying incredibly pointed and hurtful things.
And then there's the work/money situation. I guess I should have known better than to expect a corporate soulless shark to do the right thing, the fair thing. I guess I shouldn't have had any expectations. Then I wouldn't be so fucking upset that my doing the right thing would turn out to not bring the good tidings I had hoped for.
All these things, on an individual level, aren't anything too grand, certainly nothing that a person can't handle. But together, all at once, it feels like too much. It feels like the black nothingness that usually swirls in the periphery of my life is slithering forward and tapping me on the shoulder.

rebirth

I couldn't stay away. I've been doing this blogging thing for a while and thought I was through with it, but alas it seems that I was wrong. Less than one week after watching The Temple collapse in ruins, I'm back to gather and sort through the piles of rubble and ash in the hopes of recreating something resembling the Temple of Divine Disenchantment.

the fast and the furious

So a few weeks ago, I decided to try a fast/detox that my coworker was doing, the Master Cleanse, made popular by hippies and Beyonce. I can't remember exactly why I wanted to do it; mostly because after my birthday, Thanksgiving, and various debauched and deboozed nights...I was feeling a little ookie on the inside. Detoxing sounded right up my alley.

Basically the cleanse involved 10 days of this lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper stuff, all the peppermint tea you could drink, water, laxative tea, and/or a saline flush. I started on Monday...and FINISHED by Tuesday night. It was a horrible two days. I was dizzy, unfocused, had no mental clarity, spent two solid days on the toilet as if I had just gotten back from Mexico and had spent the entire time drinking the water, and dammit I was HUNGRY the entire time. I knew it wasn't working out when I started making mistakes at work. That wouldn't be so bad if I worked somewhere where making a mistake meant forgetting to take pickles off of a sandwich, but patients and doctors are not too stoked on having their labwork get screwed up. And then there's the whole rational thinker in me who kept wondering why I would want to be shitting mucous, why I would want to screw up my electrolytes by starving myself, and why I would want to make my body feel like I just caught malaria.

Oh well, apparently I didn't hold out long enough. After day three it's supposed to be a breeze. And apparently my reaction was worse than my co-worker's because I am WAY more toxic than she is. Which is all probably true. I think I might actually try this again at some point though. However, next time I won't do it when I'm working, I'll wait until I have some time off. And I won't do the whole laxative portion, that was just gross.

wash, rinse, repeat

If I had a dollar for each time I have had this conversation (I had it twice on Thursday, almost verbatim):

Me: (blah blah blah), Korean (blah blah blah).
Them: Why would you being doing (blah blah blah ) Korean?
Me: Oh, I'm Korean.
Them: YOU ARE!!! But you don't LOOK Korean!
Me: Yeah, I know.
Them: I thought you were _________ (Mexican, Hispanic, Portugese, Italian, Mediterranean, etc. etc. etc).
Me: I hear that a lot.
Them: Who's Korean? Your mom, your dad? Are they full Korean? Do you eat kimchee? Say something to me in Korean.
Me: My mom and she's straight one-hundred percent Korean. Of course I eat kimchee, I just told you that I'm Korean. And if I say something to you in Korean, will that all of the sudden transcend your disbelief and make me look more Korean to you than I did a minute ago?
Them: So do you eat dog?
And when I was ruder and slightly less mature, this would be the point that I would insert some incredibly rude and inappropriate question about their cultural habits. But now I'm an adult and just end up saying, "That's kind of a stupid question."

for whom the bell tolls

My computer being down made me finally recognize that this blog is in its final death throes and like many a pet owner, I decided that it was for the best to put it down rather that prolonging its misery. There are a lot of reasons for my deciding to do this... Maybe I've lost interest in maintaining this particular site. There aren't as many changes in my life as there were when I started this thing. The routine of my current life is reflected in my lack of desire to update my page. And I don't have a schtick or a gimmick to keep me going. No weekly radio address or recipe I've tried or movies I've seen. It was just me running off at the mouth/fingertips and I realize I've gotten pretty one-dimensional lately. Maybe I've lost interest in blogging. I still visit all my friends' blogs, but not with the fervor of days yore. I don't participate in any of the blogshare stuff anymore. I don't check my blogrings or hit the next blog button anymore. Maybe I've lost interest when a lot of people lost interest in me. I know everybody says that blogging is about writing for yourself...blah blah blah. But let's face it, if that were true then we would be writing in journals or saving word documents, not posting online. Ahhh well, for whatever reason, I am saying goodbye. I am going to take this page down on December 1st. First, because I think that pages left online that aren't being updated are kind of annoying. Secondly, I'm going to take some time and save the posts to a word processing document. I'm no Sylvia Plath, maybe not even a Danielle Steele, but I'd kinda like to save my stuff. Third, and most importantly, I want to say goodbye to my regular readers, aka friends. Thanks for sticking around, whether regularly or every once in a blue moon to catch up. Thanks for taking the time to comment, everybody loves comments. Just thanks! I'm keeping my account open so I can still comment on your blogs and such. Happy Trails!

plumping dangers

Apparently the plump is not meant for everybody. I field tested the fatty lip plumper with a girl at work yesterday. Today she came into work with blisters on her lips. OUCHIE! Lesson learned, no trying out the fish-lip juice when your lips are cracked.

return of the swamp thing

My computer is back in action. My brother fixed it. Apparently I had downloaded a virus that was continually running an application and using 99% of my processor. I wish I were half as motivated as that virus.

my special day

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

airborne porcine

As a contingency to my getting my job last year, I was supposed to get certified by a national credentialing agency. I had a year to do it. That year ended in July and guess what...I never did it. I applied for it, I paid for it, I scheduled it, I rescheduled it, I just never took it. I just thought I was never going to pass it. It's been twelve years since I did my army training, which is not too different from being shoved down a pseudo-educational assembly line...not the best learning environment for long term memory storage. I hadn't needed a certification up until this point as I had been "grandfathered" in to the field. There were areas in the lab that I hadn't and still have NEVER worked. Basically, all signs pointed to my failing that test. And when you're the kind of person who derives a lot of self-worth from stupid stuff like passing tests, well I wasn't looking forward to taking it. But I finally bit the bullet and took the test yesterday, mostly because I wanted to get the test fee back from my GI Bill monies. And during the taking of it, there was a lot of stuff I just didn't know. Some of the questions were incredibly obscure. They asked things that nobody needs to know to do their job and do it well. I knew I failed that test. I clicked that end test button and waited for a big red screen to pop up, probably with a loud alarm and computer generated voice that would announce that I failed. But another screen came up, one that said I had FUCKING PASSED! With an 82%! Holy Christ! I was so astonished that my eyes welled up and I started crying on the spot. I almost didn't believe what I had seen. I thought I might have misread it. Then they gave me the print-out that said that I had indeed passed. I'm still a little shocked. All my loved ones kept telling me I would pass, they had the faith in me that I didn't have for myself. We went out to a really lovely dinner to celebrate. We even bought dessert and more wine than was probably necessary. And this morning I woke up feeling pretty good nonetheless. It's nice waking up to a surprising accomplishment.

tricked and treated

My computer is still possessed but I thought I would give a peep at our Halloween costume. I'm almost hoping for a feathered hair resurgence because it was crinkly, global warming inducing fun. All in all, other than some unexpected and unnecessary drama, it was a super fun weekend.

coinkydinky

I found this in The Stranger's Last Days section:

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22 The week ends with another Hot Tip involving questionable sexuality on Seattle streets. The setting: A Dumpster near the intersection of Summit Avenue and Olive Way on Seattle's Capitol Hill, where Hot Tipper Mike noticed a cardboard box filled to the brim with home-recorded VHS videotapes. "They were all hand labeled," writes Mikes, who soon discovered the truth of the tapes content. "It was all fat-girl porn. A sample of titles: Delilah (350 lbs) Gets Sexy, Kathy's World (amateur), Strip Poker (starring the Powerbosom Girls). I wish I could've left it at that," says Mike. "But no. I brought Strip Poker home and I'll live forever with the consequences. Imagine three 400-pound ladies sitting around a card table with an ice-cream sundae in the middle. They are all eating hoagies. Then the 'photographer' shows up, the clothes come off, and the images that follow are forever etched into my eyeballs." As for the discarded box of porn: "My theory is some guy's (supersized?) girlfriend found the tapes and got super pissed. What other explanation could there be for a big box of fatty porn in the trash?" Actually, there are numerous alternate explanations, from a garden-variety guilt-ridden porn purge to someone with a fetish for size losing a battle with leukemia. But Mike's furious-girlfriend theory is a good one and only gets better as you imagine the specifics. Was the imaginary girlfriend in question huge and humiliated? Skinny and icked out? Average sized and antiporn? We'll never know. But one fact resonates forever: Confronted by a boyfriend's collection of heavy-girl porn, any woman, of any size, will harbor one question: Are you calling me fat?

What's really funny about this is that the dumpster mentioned in this article is the dumpster for my apartment building. And I walked past this box o' porn several times without ever stopping to see what those videos were. How funny! I knew I should have looked in the box!!!

From The Stranger: SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22 The week ends with another Hot Tip involving questionable sexuality on Seattle streets. The setting: A Dumpster near the intersection of Summit Avenue and Olive Way on Seattle's Capitol Hill, where Hot Tipper Mike noticed a cardboard box filled to the brim with home-recorded VHS videotapes. "They were all hand labeled," writes Mikes, who soon discovered the truth of the tapes content. "It was all fat-girl porn. A sample of titles: Delilah (350 lbs) Gets Sexy, Kathy's World (amateur), Strip Poker (starring the Powerbosom Girls). I wish I could've left it at that," says Mike. "But no. I brought Strip Poker home and I'll live forever with the consequences. Imagine three 400-pound ladies sitting around a card table with an ice-cream sundae in the middle. They are all eating hoagies. Then the 'photographer' shows up, the clothes come off, and the images that follow are forever etched into my eyeballs." As for the discarded box of porn: "My theory is some guy's (supersized?) girlfriend found the tapes and got super pissed. What other explanation could there be for a big box of fatty porn in the trash?" Actually, there are numerous alternate explanations, from a garden-variety guilt-ridden porn purge to someone with a fetish for size losing a battle with leukemia. But Mike's furious-girlfriend theory is a good one and only gets better as you imagine the specifics. Was the imaginary girlfriend in question huge and humiliated? Skinny and icked out? Average sized and antiporn? We'll never know. But one fact resonates forever: Confronted by a boyfriend's collection of heavy-girl porn, any woman, of any size, will harbor one question: Are you calling me fat? What's funny about this is that this box of porn was tossed in the dumpsters of my apartment building. In fact, I walked past this box o' goodies several times for several days. HAHAHA!

My computer is still on the blink. It makes me realize that I use the computer far too much for somebody who doesn't need one for work or school or anything that could possibly justify the amount of time I spend in front of a computer screen. A lot has happened lately. Let's see... o I just went through a weird and unexpected spell of fighting with Devo. We spent days stuck in a rut of the 3 Fs...fighting, feeding, and...other stuff. I had forgotten about that part of relationships. You know, the part when the person you care deeply for can be the person who can hurt your feelings the most. Luckily we worked through that little bump. Hopefully it'll stay a molehill that doesn't feel the need to develop short man's syndrome. o My friend Gabs was in town over the weekend. We had a ton of fun. We even went to a pumpkin patch with a corn maze in the shape of Washington state. They have school field trips through the maze so the kids can get an idea of how far apart things are and such. We opted not to learn anything important. Instead we learned how easily you can make the most innocent things seem phallic for photographs. o My ex had his first date. Everybody keeps asking me how I feel about that. I'm stoked. I think he should get out more. Hopefully he'll meet somebody nice and good for him. o I'm going out of town this weekend for a Halloween party. We got our roller derby costumes pretty much all finished. It's going to be super fun. Devo needs to get an athletic supporter though because our shorts are really short and really tight. Honestly I don't think everybody needs to know whether or not he's circumcised. Pictures of the costumes will be forthcoming. Well, I guess that's about all I can squeeze out for now. Hopefully I'll get something done with the laptop soon.

stalling

So my computer is completely and utterly fuckered. I think that my Windows might be corrupted or something because every little thing I try to do makes my computer crash. I probably downloaded a virus...a porn addiction will do that I suppose. And that sucks, because I have had several things to blog lately and just haven't been able to because my computer is messed up. This makes me sad. So until I can figure out a way to sell a kidney or not get caught using the internet at work...my posts are going to be sporadic at best.

sightings

three seconds

Hey you, yes you! Go see this movie! Why? Why not, beats sitting at home. And it's good. Real good. It's a movie with complexity. A movie where shades of gray exist. Where protagonists are not perfect. Where the hero probably won't save the day. Where the guy doesn't get the girl even after he's had the girl. But for some reason, all of that is okay.

policy maker

Me=venting. Venting=probably not fit for public consumption. Me=doing it anyway. I don't beat around the bush. I truly feel that if a person takes the time to ask me my opinion about something, then I should give them an honest, thoughtful answer. I also generally try to take into account who I am speaking with and figure out a good way to communicate my opinion so as not to look too harsh or unsupportive. I like to believe that most people who know me know this about me. I would also like to believe that knowing that, people who ask me for my opinion are ready for it. So color me surprised when somebody asks me what I think about something and then gets insulting when they don't particularly like what I have to say about it. You don't want to hear my opinion if it isn't exactly like yours, then don't take the chance and fucking ask me in the first place. Fucking ask somebody else. Or better yet, don't ask me to comment on situations that I don't know nearly enough about and expect my opinion to compare with people who have way more information. And don't throw something back in my face, comments I've made about different discussions altogether, as some kind of reactionary retributive bullshit. Because let me tell you, two can play that game and I don't like to lose.

see-saw

Insecurity seems like such a benign thing. You would think that the only thing it would affect is my self-esteem...poor me. But then I go and start projecting that insecurity all over the place, splattering my life with it like I'm involved in some overzealous game of paintball. And I have completely polarized reactions to the woe-is-me disease. Sometimes it immobilizes me and I become incapable of doing anything because I'm sure that I'm not good enough so why bother trying. And other times my hyperactive imagination gets the best of me and I start creating a lot of tension in my life because I tell myself that I know what's going to happen because I'm not nearly good enough to prevent it. Damned if you do... And somehow I manage to disassociate myself enough to be watching myself do these things, realize I'm being a little (or a lot) foolish, and still feel as if I'm on a bullet train to Fucked Up-Ville, population me.

self-imposed exile

I've been trying to get back on some kind of routine lately after having spent most of September, nay most of the summer, fiddling around and engaging in hedonistic revelry and debaucherous unruliness. And I decided that for my physical and fiscal health, and as a test of my willpower, I would abstain from drinking, smoking, and most nightlife socializing until the Halloween party season began. I thought that with summer ending and all, it would be easy. The weather would get poopie and people would begin preparing for winter hibernation. But then the weather got nice and I keep getting invitations for what sound like really fun parties. I always do this to myself, I set up goals that are probably a little bigger than they need to be and then I have to either choose to go through with it and feel unhappy or bail on the idea and feel some guilt about failing. UPDATE: So, having the most amazing rationalizing tools available to me...I convinced myself that I didn't need to give up drinking...I just needed to cut back to one or two a week. That sounds more doable.

highs and lows

It's impossible to try and fully account for all of the happenings of my Burningman experience, plus it probably wouldn't be prudent to talk about some of them at any rate. So rather than try to do a diary of my days, I decided that it was less overwhelming and probably more interesting, to just jot down some of the more memorable things (in bullet form of course). o The very first thing to happen was a small setback involving setting up our camp. We picked a location and got a lot of our camp set up AND THEN some people came out and to tell us we were camping on their reserved spot that they had very NOT clearly marked with a used up glow stick. It almost got dramatic. Even in a place like Burningman, people are assholes when it comes "protecting" what they think is theirs. But it turned out very well, we ended up in a much better location that was far downwind of the port-a-potties. o Many of our Seattle friends camp at Zu, a lovely camp full of amazing people, including one fella who flew an airplane down to Nevada. He gave away free plane rides, and Pink, Heidi and I jumped at the chance. It was AMAZING flying around the playa and getting a bird's eye view of the city and The Man. AND I got to fly the plane a little. It's a bit like playing Pole Position, you barely move the controls and the whole plane moves. My tummy jumps a little every time I think about it. o Becca and I decided one day that it was our mission to find Mister Mister, the misting tent provided by one of the camps. We rode across the playa in 90+ degree desert weather and when we got there I run into my friend Nico. What are the chances of running into one person in a crowd of 38,000 people? Actually, pretty good at Burningman. o One of our fellow campers ended up not being able to come at the last minute. The problem with that, other then her not being there, was that she was the person who was bringing two more campers. A few phone calls, and six hours...problem solved. Charlie, an unknown prior to this adventure, ended up leaving his job and coming down to the burn with our other campers (and gas for Starla). I hadn't met Charlie before but oddly enough I knew him as "Charlie the Bartender" because he knows some other people I know. It was fun making those connections during our walks around the city. o When somebody tells you they have the way to make your first burn memorable, it pays to be a little cautious. But then again, getting an electric cattle prod to your bare ass is DEFINITELY unforgettable. o Despite your best intuition telling you otherwise, it is impossible to NOT look down into the foulest depths of the Porta-potties each and every time nature calls. Though somehow my body and I developed some sort of mutual understanding that restricting bodily function was often for the best. o We camped down the block from a group from Maryland. Twice a week they gifted bloody marys to the playa citizenry. They were the BEST bloody marys I have ever had the joy of imbibing...yummy tomato juice, good vodka, fresh horseradish, beef stock...drool. I went there both times they were handing out the goods. o I saw quite possibly the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life while on the playa. One morning in particular stands out. Josh and I were still going strong in the wee hours of the morning, though the rest of our crew had decided to call it quits. We hung out for a while and then decided to head over the Blunderland, a camp of the people who threw the Esthetic Evolution party I went to in Boise earlier in the summer. During our walk, the sun starting coming out. The sun came up over the mountains on the horizon and made the sky the most intense shades of pink, leaving an almost magenta hue lingering over the skyline for what seemed like forever. Josh and I walked with arms clasped around each other's waists and looked on, astounded at the sheer beauty we felt extremely privileged to be experiencing. We kept looking at one another in amazement and wonderment...it was perfect. o During one of our many nights out on the Esplanade, I wanted to find my friend Nico very badly. I walked up and down looking for him and kept running into other people who would tell me where they had last seen him. I started to become frustrated because I couldn't find him. Then I heard an art car playing a song that Devo often plays during his DJ sets, aptly nicknamed the whistle song. I decided to walk over and listen to the song and take a minute to think about my sweetie. It was then that I noticed there was a huge crowd standing around this metal serpent art installation. I waited around for a while and didn't see anything going on, so I leaned over to the guy standing next to me and asked what was happening. It was then that I noticed who I was talking to. On New Year's Eve, I went to a party with some Kentucky friends. We were heading to another party and couldn't get a cab to save our lives. These brothers were standing outside while we were trying and they offered us a ride home. We had never met these men, neither or them were permanent residents of Seattle, and once the ride was over it was likely that we would never see these good-deed-doers again. That is until I went to Burningman and randomly leaned over to ask somebody what was happening in the middle of the Playa at midnight. I asked him if he remembered me, he did and he was astounded that I remembered him. It was at that moment that I knew what that playa was trying to tell me, I couldn't control what happened out there and it was silly of me to try. What was going to happen was going to happen and I just needed to go along for the ride. It was a good lesson to learn. to be continued...

summer lovin' had me a blast

I decree that summer is officially over. Not only has the sky turned to the grayish muck that loudly proclaims "Seasonal DEFECTIVE disorder is back!" but the last outdoor party of the season was this last weekend. I busted out my white canvas espaidrilles, though banned by polite society since Labor Day, for one more event. And during said event I managed to o Develop a UTI o Develop a flat tire way out in the middle of nowhere o Discover that my donut was flat too o Get so blitzkrieged that much vomitting ensued And despite all of that I had a tremendous amount of fun glamping it up one last time (glamping=glamourous camping). Many good times were had by all. It was a beautiful campsite full of old growth trees and rolling green hills. There were loads of wonderful people. It was a good way to wrap up the summer. But at the same time, I'm glad all of this is over. No more raging two-nine day parties that involve Porta-potties and insane amounts of Turkey Jerky. No more coming back sick. No more spending ungodly sums of money to sleep in a tent. I'm ready for a break. I'm ready for some chill time, some me time, some "Hey, I haven't seen Masil around in a while" time. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, by life and money (or lackthereof) and choices and gearing up for anniversaries I try not to deal with but inevitably end up dealing with in other ways. I need to revive and replenish myself. My soul feels tired and October seems like the perfect time for a long overdue nap.

reminiscing

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2006 REMINISCING continued from last post...a short continuation as my memory is slightly cloudy from the events of the past weekend... o One word...THUNDERDOME. Go to Flickr and do a search. It's pretty damn cool. One thing I noticed at Thunderdome, women are WAY scrappier than men. WAAYYYY scrappier. o I invented a new phrase (at least new to me) while down at Burningman...boy MOOP-a piece of boy material you pick up on the playa and drag around with you until you find an appropriate location to discard him. My boy MOOP was named Andrew. Andrew was a cutie-pie who was quite young and just naive enough that it took him several hours to figure out that we were just hanging out and that was it. o There were a lot of nekkid people at Burningman. And it is my observation that the people you would most like to see naked are often not the ones who decide to be naked. Seriously, I think I could go my entire life without seeing another pair of shaved testicles on a bike seat and be perfectly okay with that. o I rediscovered that I can sleep ANYWHERE. I would sleep in my tent during the hottest part of the day and wake up soaked in sweat. I slept through the one really big dust storm we had down there, the rest of the camp was scurrying about tying things down and making sure nothing blew away and I was passed out and didn't realize any of it was going on. o The art was incredible. I can't even begin to describe some of the amazing things out there. I will hopefully post some pictures soon but honestly, they won't do any justice to being out there. o And the best lesson for me was that I can let go and move past my own insecurities and weirdness about past interactions I've had with people and have them become something else. In some cases, new friendships were created out of interactions in which I thought nothing could develop. And in others, old obsessions were finally and completely released when I realized that I had created the object of my obsession and the reality of that person was not anywhere near the same thing. Now I've been back for two weeks, summer is over, things are pretty much back to normal. This was probably the best summer of my life. At some point I will get my crappy disposable camera pictures developed. Hopefully a few of them will turn out and I will get them posted up here.

'puting from work

1. What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
I can't even really remember his first name to be honest.
2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
Neon green throwback string bikini briefs.
3. What is the song you want played at your funeral?
Strawberry Fields by The Beatles
4. Would you tell your parents if you're gay?
Most likely...of course they already think I am.
5. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
In'N'Out...at least two big piles of greasy mashed up fleshy nastiness with double processed cheese product.
6. Beatles or Stones?
The Beatles are the alpha and the omega.
7. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who?
The person stupid enough to ask such a question.
8. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Soft liquor....Amaretto please.
9. Do you have any phobias?
Of course.
10. What are your plans for the future?
Making a future.
11. What's your dog thinking right now?
"Hey, I can lick my butt!"
12. Do you walk around the house naked?
Often...it's one of the perks of living alone.
13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
I have no gauge for drunkeness anymore. Somewhere between one and five.
14. Where is your best friend?
In my heart.
15. Hair color you like on someone you're dating?
What can I say, I grew up on Disney. I like my Prince Charmings tall, dark, & handsome.
16. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
I would miss the beauty of the world more than I would miss the sounds of it.
17. Do you have any special talents?
Yes but I they're only for my special friends.
18. Did you brush your teeth this morning?
Sure did.
19. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
I think it might have been Sleeping Beauty.
20. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Grab Iniki's leash so I can take him out before he pees all over.
21.Do you like horror or comedy?
I like the comedy of horror movies.
22. Do you like to watch movies by yourself?
It depends on my mood. Sometimes watching a tearjerker movie, curled up on my couch with my dog in my lap is therapeutic.
23. Guilty pleasure movie you will always watch if it's on?
Half-Baked.
24. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
Eh, regret...what a waste of time.
25. If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?
Who said I was straight?
26. Where do you want to live when you are old?
In a state of contentment.
27. Who is the person you can count on most?
As far as I know, everybody I know has ten fingers and ten toes...so I think I can count up to twenty on them equally.
28. If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Johnny Depp! And I'm not one of those Johnny-come-latelys. I STILL have my posters of Johnny Depp from BOP magazine!
29. Favorite drinking game?
The one that involves swallowing and not throwing up.
30. What did you dream last night?
That I couldn't fall asleep and had to take a bunch of sleeping pills and then worrying that I wouldn't be able to wake up.
31. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Competitive Eating.
32. Real or fake boobs?
That's like asking if you prefer a real or fake rolex. Not everybody can afford a real rolex.
33. What is your new obsession?
Letting go of old obsessions.

the journey begins

Our original plan had been to leave by 11am on the 25th, drive to Portland and pick up the rest of our camp, then drive to Dunsmuir (right outside of Shasta, CA). We would crash for the night and then drive out to Pyramid Lake in Nevada, about an hour and a half outside of Reno. After camping there for the night, we would drive into Black Rock City and begin our adventure. Sounds good right? Well...there's a reason why an idiom exists about best laid plans. That first day, after getting all of our gear together and packing up the vehicles, we ended up leaving Seattle at about 4pm. Our caravan consisted of 1 SUV/2 passengers, 1 mini-van pulling a trailer/2 passengers, 1 car/2 passengers, 1 RV/4 passengers. It was quite the struggle getting down to Portland. The van and trailer blew a tire before making it out of city limits, the RV kept breaking down, and we were stuck in rush-hour traffic. We didn't make it to Portland until 10 pm, where we hooked up with the rest of our caravan 1 SUV pulling a trailer/3 passengers and 1 VW/1 passenger. We took a vote and decided to stay in Portland for the night. 12 of us camped out in one of the apartments of our Portland crew. Then the next day we woke up and went to a battery shop to check out the RV. It turned out that Starla, as she was christened, needed a new alternator. So while we waited for that to get done, we all went off and ran some errands, mine involved coffee and a jaunt to the Goodwill to get more playa-worthy clothes, including the most beautifully horrendous velveteen and lace jacket. By 1pm we were ready to mount up and head to Shasta-where we had originally intended to be the night before. We drove and drove and finally got there, although my ride buddy and I decided to stop pretty early on to get lunch and then go to Old Navy. We made it to Dunsmuir and then couldn't find the house we were supposed to find because mapquest gave us the most craptastic directions with streets that didn't even exist. We FINALLY found the house and lo-n-behold, it was a teeny tiny studio apartment that thirteen of us end up sleeping in. We broke out all of the aerobeds we had among us and had an unavoidable massive pre-funk cuddle party. Sunday arrived and we headed to Reno. I ended up in a strange game of musical car chairs and got shuttled from one car to another and ended up staying in Dunsmuir while the RV got worked on again, apparently it hadn't been the alternator at all. We rode out and drove for a while, passing by many In N Out Burgers that I didn't get to stop out and lamented via text message that I was very sad to be passing them by since I was riding with a bunch of vegetarian hippies. We got to Reno at about 9pm, where the rest of our camp had been toiling away getting our supplies for the next week. We had originally decided to go to Pyramid Lake, but all of us playa-virgins were getting antsy and we wanted to head straight for Black Rock City. We decided to drive most of the way there and take a vote when we got to the split in the road between the Lake and the playa. Needless to say, when we got there, we voted for the playa. There were a few more small setbacks along the way but we made it to Black Rock City and drove onto the playa just as the sun started rising.

quotable

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

embers

I've been back from Burningman since Monday. My my my, what an adventure. I don't even know how to begin to tell everybody about my trip. It would take forever to try and sum up the experience. I didn't think that I would be the kind of person to come back having had a transformative experience, but I did. There's no way to deny that some things are irreversibly altered because of the last week. I think I've finally managed to decompress and return to reality and life, though it is definitely a reality with an ever-so-slight paradigm shift...but in a good way.

pacifitrek

Mt. Rainier was amazing yesterday.Though it was a little chilly and I ended up buying an ultra-glam touristy pink sweatshirt, my hike was an adventure. No matter how much I've worked out, neither the number of minutes the machines jubilantly proclaimed I'd completed nor the large stack of weights I grunted and strained through prepared me for an actual outdoor hike on the largest mountain in Washington. From the first shaky step up what seemed like a constant fifty degree incline, I knew that I would be done before the mountain was. But I climbed anyway, even as the boulders, eroded by hundreds of tired hikers into inviting settees, beckoned with their siren's call to just stop and relax, enjoy the view...quit. The call was too strong for my partner, she was done and no amount of coaxing would get her up off of the bench. But not me. Vacilating between tenacity, stubborness, and just being obtuse I decided not to stop. I would reach THAT place before I stopped, up there where those people were. How dare they think they could get all the way up there, directly challenging my drive? So I kept going, even as the cacophony of the pulse in my ears and throat joined with my rapidly increasing heartbeat to produce a tribal drum beat. Even as my oxygen deprived body started mildly hallucinating and I became convinced that the crows were calling my name. Even as my lungs simultaneously felt like they had been doused with nitrous and shoved in a pile of burning embers. I climbed and climbed and each time I told myself I would stop right THERE, there just didn't seem like the place to end my journey. Until finally there was right. There with the clouds that wrapped themselves around my tired, sweaty body like a cool kiss on a feverish forehead. There where the ground was still covered in ice and the paths left unpaved. There is where I stopped and took my final picture and where my camera died moments after the shutter snapped. I didn't need to go any further, the volcano gods destined that I would go no higher, today was not the day I would sacrifice myself to them. So I made my slow, painful journey back down to the bottom where my dog and friend were waiting to share my victory meal...a yummy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

feel the burn

In two hours, I will officially begin my vacation. In about twelve hours, I will officially begin my journey into the wonders of the playa, where many adventures and hardships await. These are a few of my intentions for my trip: o No expectations-though I am travelling with a wonderous ragtag assortment of wonderful ladies experienced with the ways of the man who burns, and have many friends who I will most likely encounter during my journey...I'm trying not to have a whole lot of expectations. I want to not listen to the constant buzzing of people telling me that I should see this and I definitely must do that... Other than survival advice, which I have taken to heart, I'm trying to go with a clear mind and no agenda. o Not too much complaining-Yes, the weather sucks...hot in the daytime, cold at night. Yes, porta-potties suck. Yes, living in a tent for a week is bound to suck a little. But that's all part of the deal. I'm going to try and keep whining to a minimum. o Be smart, be aware, be safe-I'm going to have awesome calves because I intend to stay on my toesies as much as possible. o Take time to reflect-On the day's activities, on the week's activities, external events, internal events, people I'll miss while I'm there... o Sunscreen is magic!-Don't walk around topless without a little SPF 30. We're going to start heading out tomorrow. I think I'll be back around the 5th or so with many stories and tales that may seem tall but are likely without embellishment. I'll miss you guys.

feel the burn

Tomorrow I start my Burningman Adventure. I'll be out of town from August 25th until about September 5th. I'll miss everybody (except for the large chunk of people I know who will be on the playa with me).

family matters

Just a little update-a-rooney. The boy met the mom. It went as I thought it would, my mom wasn't much of a conversationalist and was a fairly typical stoic Asian mother. But she wasn't entirely cold either. The boy got along well with my sister and my brother-in-law. Mom bought us dinner from her favorite little mom-and-pop Korean joint. Boy ate heartily and didn't fuss when my mom started fussing about his food and reteaching him how to eat, as if the last 26 years he had been doing it hadn't been quite right. It was good, I think he had a nice time and didn't seem too terribly offended that my mom didn't engage him in long conversations that most parents feel the need to have with their children's partners. Next it's my turn, in two weeks I get to meet his mom. But I have a feeling that she is the antithesis of my mother and will want to be super chatty and engaged. If I had the time to feel nervous about it I would...maybe when we get closer to it happening.

slow burn

I've had a lot to do lately getting ready for Burningman. Of course the reason I have so much to do is because I am a consummate procrastinator. Yesterday I decided to lump as much of my buying into one trip, after having dropped Devo off at the airport. I realized that I loathe the shopping mall. There used to be a time that I loved hanging out at the mall all day, going from store to store to store, eating at the food court, spending a bunch of money I didn't have. But no longer, the entire time I felt overwhelmed and exhausted, oversolicitous salespeople kept freaking me out, and despite there being 10,000 square feet of shit to buy, I never really found what I was looking for and the few things I did find were way overpriced. Despite all of that, I'm started to get incredibly excited. Every time I rest my head on my pillow, I dream about Burningman. All aspects of it. I dream about getting ready for it, I dream about getting down there for it, I dream about people I'll see there, things I may do there, outfits I wish I could wear there, people I wish were going to be there. The build-up is starting to get intense.

fingernail munchies

I am getting ready to take the boy to meet the mom. And it wasn't even my idea. Wish me some sort of positivity...luck, karma, good vibes, et.al.! It just goes to show, no matter how old and/or independent you get, you never stop wanting your parent's approval.

m.i.a.

Where did I disappear to? I have no idea. I feel like once again, I've reached a point in my life where I am at a crossroads. Maybe I coasted with all the goodness that the last year provided and got too content. But the last few weeks, major life-decisions have presented themselves, demanding my attention. And I've been hiding from them, and hiding in general. But they stood outside my hideout and waited, toes tapping impatiently. Now I have to deal with them, but to be perfectly honest...I'm a little scared, scared that I'll make bad decisions and end up in a familiar place where happiness is more of a ideal than a reality. But it must be done, I'm trying to think of it as more of an adventure and less like the final moments before I head off into the battlefield.

busy quizzie

1. Would you marry for money?
Marrying for money will probably give me the same success rate as marrying for love.
2. Have you had braces?
Nope, I was blessed with fairly straight teeth which is pretty lucky in my family
3. Can you live without a computer?
Sure, I actually didn't use it while on vacation at all other than to check in for my flight. But I keep in touch with a lot of really great people online and I wouldn't want to stop doing that.
4. If you could live in any past time period, where would it be?
Don't you mean when not where? But maybe like during the heydey of the Mayans.
5. Do you drink enough water?
Not as much as I should but more than a lot of people.
6. Do you wear shoes in the house or take 'em off?
I'm Korean, they take themselves off at the door.
7. What are your favorite fruits?
Nectarines and canteloupe.
8. What is your favorite place to visit?
My momma's house. She has laundry machines and FOOD! God bless her.
9. Are you photogenic?
I've been told but lately I feel less so.
10. Do you dream in color or black and white?
I dream in technicolor.
11. Why are you taking this survey?
cause i'm bored and tired and my hot date isn't for a few more hours.
12. Do you drink alcohol?
No I drink liquor.
13. What is the most beautiful language?
Mandarin is a gorgeous language.
14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep?
Yes, I like waking up to kisses.
15. What do you like most: Sunrise or sunset?
There's nothing like a well earned sunrise.
16. Do you want to live to be 100 years old?
Not really.
17. What time did you fall asleep last night?
Probably about 1, and I feel asleep pretty quick thanks to the Tylenol PM.
18. When you watch movies at home,
do you like the lights on or off? Off.
19. Do you believe in magic? Yes.
20. Do you have a favorite radio show?
No, corporate radio is ASS.
21. Do you like sports?
I'm indifferent.
22. Do you like to watch cartoons?
I love cartoons and anime and adult swim and and and.
23. At what age did you find out Santa Claus wasn't real?
I have an older brother, he clued me in fairly young.
24. Do you write poems?
I used to write really bad poetry.
25. Do you snore?
Sometimes, not often.
26. You sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
I'm mostly a tummy sleeper.
27. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
Neither, I already have the best dog ever.
28. Are you basically a happy person?
I am now and I will continue working on it.
29. Are you tired?
I'm getting tired of this survey
30. Did you drink anything with caffeine?
The better question is do I drink anything without.
32. How many phones do you have in your house?
Just my cell.
33. Do you get along with your parents?
Yes now, but I'm also very frustrated by them because I often see where some of the shit that frustrates me about myself comes from.
34. Do you smoke?
SHHHHHH, down to one a day unless I'm out.
35. Do you have a kitty?
Nope, it's like I keep saying cats are perpetual teenagers and dogs are perpetual toddlers...I prefer the toddlers.
36. Have you ever had a birthday party?
Yep and since I have a younger sister, she always got to have a party on my birthday too, including her own presents. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
37. What do you do when you're sad?
Listen to music and cry or just cry. Crying is therapeutic.
38. What do you want most right now?
An ice cream cone.
39. What song are you listening to now?
I'm not, just listening to the chiming of Yahoo Messenger.
40. What are you craving right now?
An ice cream cone.

more than words

This should give you an idea as to what kind of weekend I just had...

return of the swamp thing

I'm back from You-Da-Ho, cause I ain't da ho (and no, I'll NEVER tire of that). Actually, I got back yesterday. But after the excruciating one hour flight that made me more motion sick than any I've been in a long long time, I had to go to work. Today I had a million little errands to run, including picking up my baby from his mini-vacation..so forgive my belated posting. The Vacation - Cliff Notes Version I got there on Thursday afternoon and hung out with Devo and a couple of friends who came down from Seattle for the event. We mostly ate a lot. I don't remember doing much, but I remember there being a lot of fried foods. And American flag speedos. This was actually a great day, I was able to meet a slew of the Boise party peeps and they were all great fun. I also bought some flip-flops, imperative when you walk off the plane into 104 degree weather. Day two began and we drove up to the location (after spending a butt load of money at the co-op) and helped set up some stuff for the party. Lucky for us we had a cabin so we didn't have to set up a camp...but it was still a lot of work and man was it HOT! Then Friday night arrived and we whooped it up, remembering to keep a little bit on reserve for Saturday. During Devo's set, I got really tired and laid down for "just a minute, just to rest my eyes" on the dance floor...an hour or two later my friend Mel found me. According to her, when she walked up to give me a hug I was completely passed out, but my foot was still tapping to the beat. Day three began and I woke up a little earlier than my bedmate. I decided to get my day started since I knew I would just keep him awake with my morning chatter. I headed up to the party location and was picked up by a ragtag group of misfits who were headed to the old swimming hole. I asked them to drop me off so I could rendezvous with my other friends before heading out there. Eventually I made it to the swimming hole, an oasis of cool water and cooler people setting up water badminton. I was there just long enough to keep my internal temperature from cooking my innards since my body had become a slow-roasting crock pot...my god was it ever hot! Then off to the airport to pick up the headlining DJ. Errands, errands, errands and we get back to the party. A little rest and (insert finger snapping noise) time for the party to begin. Party, party, party...more party, party, party...then more party, party, party... It was a great time. There were enough of my favorite Seattle people and enough new people to keep it all flowing nicely. Finally sleep, of course by now it's day four and the sun is high in the sky. By the time we got up after a million interruptions and goodbyes, most of our friends have headed out. They bravely faced the long journeys back home head on. Devo and I however chilled for quite a while and took our time packing up. Then we headed back up to the location where we tried to help break down as much as possible but were fairly useless. We drove back to Boise and hung out a little bit, though honestly the rest of this day was just a blur of exhaustion. Day five began with a big cup of coffee and then driving around looking for breakfast. We ended up eating Thai at noon, talk about indecisive. We didn't have a lot of energy but still had a desire for a little fun, so go-karting it was! That was followed by arcade games, a trip to the airport, a flat tire, and then commando mini-golf...18 holes, 4 people, 30 minutes! A dinner for two and a dipped cone and one last hurrah of being surrounded by people I barely knew but who insisted they liked me anyway because I keep pretty good company I suppose. Then sleep...oh blessed sleep...how I missed that on this vacation. Day six, a coffee drink titled "A Cup of Soul" and so good that it's trademarked. Then to the airport, where this extremely long winded post began. Whew. Just imagine how long this post will be when I get back from Burningman.

potato head

Well, I am off to Idaho in a few hours. Sometimes I am like a litte five year old, I get all excited and then can't sleep. So I'm working about three hours of sleep and working the circles so dark that I look like I got punched in the face a few times look. And just to confirm the fact that I'm no spring chicken, I realized that I'm getting a lot older while packing. Instead of making sure my super cute outfits and hair stuff got priority baggage space, the first thing I packed was my OTC meds just in case. If you hear anything on the news about a party by the river a few hours outside of Boise, make sure you look to see if I'm in the background mugging.

flashback

10 years ago...
Ten years ago, it was 1996. Take this survey, post the results, and see how many things have changed since .

1) How old were you?
THEN: 20
NOW: 30
2) Where did you work?
THEN: Back then I answered to Private (Last Name Here) a lot and worked as a Clinical Lab Tech for the military.
NOW: Clinical Lab Tech for an evil corporation.
3) Where did you live?
THEN: Washington DC
NOW: Seattle, Washington
4) How was your hair style?
THEN: Down to my butt long
NOW: Short and orange (my mother's description)
5) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: Sometimes, when I went to concerts and such
NOW: No
6) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: the BCGs I was SUPPOSED to wear stayed in my closet
NOW: the super expensive trendy homage to Wonder Woman classes I am SUPPOSED to wear stay in my bag
7) Who was your best friend?
THEN: Stephanie
NOW: I know a lot of beautiful people...but my sister will always be my bestest friend
8) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: Dino, the worst treated dog and still one of the biggest weights on my conscience.
NOW: Iniki, the best dog EVER
9) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: Chad, a 26 year old Capricorn
NOW: Devo, a 26 year old Capricorn
11) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: Johnny Depp
NOW: Johnny Depp
12) Who was your regular-person crush?
THEN: Ummm, who can remember...I have a lot of crushes.
NOW: Well, I can't answer that...but I have a top 5 list
13) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: Four or so
NOW: Two
14) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: 3
NOW: 5
15) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: Rage Against the Machine
NOW: Too much good music in my life to choose a favorite, but I really like Modest Mouse
16) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: Yes
NOW: Yes...unfortunately.
17) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: Quite often, especially considering that I wasn't 21 yet.
NOW: Less often and with less effort. Fucking aging.
18) What kind of Car did you drive?
THEN: Hyundai
NOW: Nissan
19) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be?
I can't remember what expectations I had for myself ten years ago. But I think that my ten-years ago self would be pretty pleased with the life I've made for myself and the wonderful people I've tricked into being a part of it. I know I'm pretty pleased with it.

holy guacamole

Somebody pinch me...or maybe don't. I had the most amazing weekend. It all started off with a mini-show at a random warehouse by the water. Then off to a party with a slew of graduate students doing the most non-academic things. Afterwards a club night my friends have just started. One small pitstop at Frittes, a Belgian fry joint, where I introduced a gaggle of drunken folk to the joys of curry ketchup. Then, we were off to my friends' monthly afterhours affair. It's been going on and going off for a little over a year, I've been to all but one of them. I remember when it was just a few of us, chillin' outside. The house and that party have been good to me. It's where I've met most of the amazing people I know. It's where I met an amazing man, who every day I feel a little luckier to know. And somehow...Garth, who was in town for a gig, heard about the house and came out to play...then hung out with us. And he was completely down-to-earth and chill and lo-key, a perfect compliment to what has been building all this time. It was amazing. I was able to hang out with my friends and sweetie on what may have been the most beautiful day of the year...I watched the sunrise over Lake Washington and the sunset over Puget Sound. Le sigh, when did life start getting so...GOOD?

say what?

Yesterday afternoon I had a flurry of appointments. One of them involved taking care of my lady-bits at the Planned Parenthood. While sitting there waiting, because they are the least on-time facility I have ever been to, I noticed that they had one of those "Soft & mellow hits of yesterday, today, and tomorrow for your day" kind of radio stations playing on the overhead speakers. As I'm sitting there, "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna came on. AND THAT is what I call sublime irony!

mystery solved

FRIDAY, JULY 07, 2006 MYSTERY SOLVED It's not a rapid aging process making me want to sleep an obnoxious number of hours...I'm sick! Here's to summer illnesses...

missing sheep

Aging is generally okay with me. I don't mind the gray hairs, the developing crow's feet, the achey knees, the southward migrating bosom...but this losing sleep thing has got to go. I shouldn't EVER feel the need to be in bed by midnight and up before 8am. The only time I should see the sun rising is when I haven't gone to sleep from the night before. I can't start a routine sleep schedule...it might lead to something horrendous like living a responsible and respectable life...and the only worse fate I can think of involves perm solution and a lot of peroxide. PS-Happy 4th of July!

movie mania

THave you seen Syriana yet? I saw it last night after having avoided watching it for a while. I knew it would be incredibly depressing. But I didn't realize how sad and hopeless it would leave me feeling after the credits finished rolling. It wasn't just a general sense of hopelessness either, there were definitely specific, pointed feelings of hopelessness as well. But it is a great movie and worth the two hours of your time to watch it.

heroin chic

Last night, I came home from work and noticed this sketchy dude hanging out by my building's garbage cans. But hell...it's a big weekend in Seattle, the weather is record-breakingly hot and it was Pride...so a few random people out and about is bound to happen. Then I went into my apartment and went to open my window. I look out and there are two guys shooting up outside of my window...literally SHOOTING UP...IN THE NECKS!!! I would have been even more freaked out were there not a fence with barbed wire separating them and my window. Definitely not the sight I expected and made me decide to keep my window closed for the night and just sweat the night out.

if at first you don't succeed...

Okay, this is the third and final time I am going to try and do this post. Stupid blogger and stupid computer. Lots of randomness... o I'm lonely. Both of the guys in my life are gone. My puppy dog is on vacation at my brother's house, playing with his cousins (human, canine, and feline varieties). It's so sad when I come home and there isn't anybody there to give me an enthusiastic greeting. My other guy is chilling in Idaho, where I'll join him in a few days for an ass kicking outdoor party. o I'm going to Burningman this year for the first time with my friends in a camp called The Rockstar Orphans. For a fundraiser, we did a yard sale this weekend. It was much less annoying than the last one I did before leaving Kentucky. People in Seattle...not too big on the bartering, they would mostly just pay what we asked for. It was kind of nice. And of course, it probably helped that I started drinking beer at about 9:30 am and was fairly tipsy by noon. o It is so freakin' hot here. I realize it isn't nearly as hot here as it is in the rest of the country. But it really irritates me when people use that rationale to explain why nobody as AC here. Just because it's 112 degrees in Georgia, well that doesn't make the 96 degrees any more bearable.

summer lovin'

Ahhhhh, summer is finally here. The weather has been fantastic. I've been outdoors a lot and have developed a skin-tint that doesn't glow in the dark or attract moths. People are out and about and having a good time. Hell, I've been out and about having a GREAT time. I went out several times this week and got totally obliterated one night and as per my usual custom, eventually ended up in my underwear passed out on my bathroom floor. Then went out last night and had a GREAT time even though the nagging "you have to work tomorrow" thought kept working it's way into my brain. And it's Pride this weekend so I expect I'll be out a few times for that as well. I swear, sometimes I think that I have a job because I need to escape the fun of my life.

alphabet soup

I don't know why I fill these things out...it's not as though the answers are going to be any different than the last fifty I filled out. But procrastination can be hard.

[A is for age]:
30...three decades of glorious me-dom.
[B is for beer of choice]:
I'm not a fan of the brew...but on the rare occasion that I'll drink that swill it's usually something I took from somebody else so my choice is therefore whatever's free and available...just like how I choose my men.
[C is for career]
C is for consistently grossed out by the nastiness I have to deal with at work. Yesterday I had to chop up bloody, ragged shoulder flesh.
[D is for your dog's name]:
Iniki, the best and cutest dog EVER!
[E is for essential item you use/wear everyday]:
E is for expensive face cream that keeps me looking young and vitalic. At least that's what the multi-million dollar marketing campaign has told me.
[F is for favorite song at the moment)
The Pirate Song by Go Betty Go
[G is for favorite game]:
Freeze-tag
[H is for Hometown]:
Born in Pusan, Korea
[I is for favortie internet site]
backseat bangers
[J is for favorite flavor of juice]:
cran-grape
[K is for kids]:
K is for kleptomaniac too
[L is for last girl you hugged?]:
Christy
[M is for marriage]:
Ahhhh, marriage...they really don't give you a t-shirt despite having been there and done that
[N is for name of your crush]:
I change crushes like I change my underwear
[O is for overnight hospital stays]:
When I was a wee baby and they made my belly-button look like it was mangled by an alligator
[P is for phobias]
Heights
[Q is for quote]:
"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty." Ursula K. Le Guin
[R is for biggest regrete]
Not learning enough french to understand what regrete means.
[S is for status:]
Happy.
[T is for time you wake up:]
9:00
[U is for underwear:]
U is for a little unclean at the moment, I just got back from the gym.
[V is for vegetable you love:]
Broccoli
[W is for worst habit:]
smoking
[X is for x-rays you've had]
head, leg, back, lungs, toes, fingers, knees, throat, chest, I'm practically radioactive by now.
[Y is for yummy food you make]
I'm a pretty good cook, I make lots of good stuff, I'm really good at pasta dishes.
[Z is for zodiac sign]:
Scorpio, what else is there?

two thumbs up, way up

We went to a movie a the Seattle International Film Festival (the largest in the U.S.) on Wednesday called Americanese. It was AMAZING! It was one of those movies that is incredibly depressing and strangely hopeful at the same time. The cinematography was beautiful and minimalist. It was provocative but not preachy. Le sigh, it was good. It was often billed as a movie about race and racism, but that's just a way of trying to most easily shove it into a cubbyhole. If you were to ask me (which you should, cause I'm great like that) it was a wonderfully done tragic love story about trying to let go and how you are never really ready to deal with ending a relationship that you invested so much of yourself into. The movie is about being lonely and how many people are incapable of dealing with aloneness. And how we're so programmed to feel as though we should be in relationships that we'll often allow ourselves to be in really bad relationships because that's what we're supposed to do. AND it also deals with race and racism and racial identity. AND the lead actor was HOT! Seriously, if I had professors like that in college, I might have actually showed up to class a lot more. Anyhoo, if you get the opportunity, I recommend this movie. Or if you don't...you can always try to see Charlotte Sometimes by the same director.

organ transplant

I could have gone my entire life knowing that liver was gross without ever having to try it. It's just one of those things that you intrisincally know...organ meat, particularly the organ that gets rid of the bodily impurities, is probably disgusting. I accepted that knowledge and the fact that I never had to test it out, just like I never feel the need to find out that it will probably hurt really badly to jump off of a three story building. But last night...some sly person brought it an adobo with huge chunks of liver. I knew something wasn't quite right when I was spooning it onto my plate, what I thought was pork at initial glance just seemed a little off. So I went through and picked out the mostly chickeney looking pieces and then loaded up on pancit. Then I'm eating and it's all very chickeny until I start chewing one piece and immediately I know something is amiss. But I don't want to be rude so I eat it. Then somebody comes in and asks what we're eating and only then do I find out that I just ate liver. RETCH!

lunchables

We went to a greasy-spoon diner on the way back from the mountains the other day. The cook looked like he was emulating Mel from that television show Alice. The food came dripping in grease, everything was fried. They had chocolate bars in the dessert display case. Their menu had typos. In other words, it was AWESOME!

academic elite

Last night I went to a dinner party for graduate students. It was fun, I always enjoy getting drunk with new people. Particularly when you get to be the one to drag the conversation down into the muck with topics like "best stoner movies" and "how to do the boodie-clap." And then call the host by the wrong name. I am a social moron.

snowball effect

I won't deny it, it is inordinately difficult for me to make decisions. I get overwhelmed by choice, you should see how confused I get at a buffet. So, like almost everybody else I know, I end up making the safe choice...otherwise known as the easy choice. However, my roommate situation hasn't produced a safe or easy choice. I've had to take a long, hard and sometimes painful look at myself to determine whether or not I could live with somebody so soon after declaring my independence. The end result is that I've realized that I'm not ready to share my space with somebody else. But the constant vascillating while making that decision had the unintended side effect of making me question all of my decisions. And I'm floundering a little bit right now, trying to figure out which ones are "good" choices. And also playing mind-games with myself deciding where my choices will lead me, or as my friend L. put it, "Killing off the chickens you never counted before they hatched." I hate feeling like this, especially when I realize that no matter what happens things will probably end up okay...so serving scones at my pity-party is just me being overly self-indulgent.

first place

1.Who was your first prom date?
Mike W., my brother called him McFly. He and my other prom date both went to my recruiter. It's a good thing I didn't date more.
2. Who was your first roommate?
My sister was my constant roommate. I've rarely lived by myself.
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Some kind of scotch. It was actually one seriously mortifying incident wherein I cried for my dad a lot.
4. What was your first job?:
Taco Bell, I was the baddest burrito slingin' mofo in Lakewood.
5. What was your first car?
Everybody thinks they can win the "shittiest first car" game, but I constantly beat people out because my first car, I shit you not, was a fucking Yugo....A YUGO!!!
6. When did you go to your first funeral that you can remember?
My aunt's in Korea
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I guess I consider Lakewood my hometown, so 18 even though I only lived there for a like two and a half years.
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Ms. Gill, she had hair like Crystal Gayle that she wore in a big bun.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Ummm, probably to California. I was just a baby.
10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
Amy and Jenny
11. Who was your very first Best Friend and are you still friends?
Stephanie R. and unfortunately no...
12. Where was your first sleepover?
At this girl's house in Virginia, we played Barbies...she was a little older than me. Years later she moved to the same place we lived in Germany, she dropped out of high school and had a kid when she was like 15.
13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
I like to keep my internal state in constant disarray so I just seethe mostly.
14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
I've never been in a wedding.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Drink coffee usually
16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
It was at the 9:30 club in DC, Sponge & Stabbing Westward. Somebody bought my ticket because he was trying to hook up with my friend.
17. First tattoo or piercing?
I got a tattoo three days after I turned 18.
18. First celebrity crush?
The guy from Dance Fever.
19. Age of first kiss?
In the sixth grade and it was so gross, I didn't kiss another person until I was 17.
20. First crush?
I'm constantly crushed by love.

breaking the code

Quote (probably not verbatim, but very close): I just think we're in different places in our lives and our expectations for our relationships. End Quote. So...ummmm...what the fuck does that mean?

reunion

Today I had lunch with a friend of mine from high school. I hadn't heard from her since the last time I was Lisa M., before I ran off to the circus and joined the three ring circus known as marriage. It was GREAT! We didn't have any discernible uncomfortable moments. From the moment she walked across the parking lot and we ended up in a bear hug nine years in the making, it was all flow. We caught up on those lost years, found out that we are both in good places in our lives. We talked about how mothers never changed and that no matter what, we would never be thin enough for them. Then we shared a seriously decadent and indulgent piece of raspberry cheesecake. Passive aggressive childlike behavior with your BFF from high school...priceless.

mystery

The other day I get a text message inviting whoever responded first to the message to the opening gala of the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF). I had no idea who sent the message. I wrote back and said something about work conflicts and not being able to go. Minutes later I get a message back saying that the mystery messager would be going with a friend of mine. Clearly I knew the person who was sending the message. Somehow my brain decided that rather than writing and saying, "Hey, who is this?" I would call the number later when the person would most likely not answer the phone and find out who it was by listening to their voicemail message. Good plan right? The next day around lunch time I did just that, but alas the person answered....and I panicked and started a full-on fifteen minute conversation with this mystery person. It was an excellent representation of my bullshitting skills. I had NO IDEA who I was talking to, thought I could figure it out by continuiing the conversation, and maintained said conversation for an extended length with what was hopefully interpreted as sincerity and familiarity. By the time I hung up, I still had no idea who she was. Then I called another friend to see if she knew the number, she didn't. Finally, I ended up calling the person who went to the SIFF party with the stranger and found out who she was.

decisions

I'm contemplating getting into a roommate situation with a friend of mine. We've talked before about rooming together and the roommate option has been on my mind for a while. It would be extremely advantageous for me monetarily. And I really have enjoyed J.'s company each and every time we've hung out. Her apartment is great and quite spacious. And there's a yard with a fire pit and a balcony. But I'm also a bit hesitant. I LOVE living on my own and having my very own space. I love that I don't have to negotiate my space or make any adjustments based on the space somebody else requires, whether emotional or physical or metaphysical or whatever. I love walking around the house naked and eating cereal in big handfuls right from the box. I LOVE where I live, the location is phenomenal. I'm so torn and I need to make a decision in the next week. Now would definitely be the time for that handbook on life's big decisions, with the answer key in the back of course.

meating in the middle

How do those crazy zombies do it? How do they eat all that flesh? I think I've eaten more animal products in the last two days than I have in the last two months. It felt like two solid days of consuming chicken, beef and cheese...sometimes all three in one mouthful. My digestive system is not happy about the return of summertime barbecuing.

anniversary

It occurred to me today that I moved back to Washington exactly one year and one day ago. Wow, that really isn't that long but I've had such a profound feeling of finally being home that it seems like much longer. And the changes I've experienced in this last year have been huge for me. I've finally really lived on my own for the first time ever. I've made a lot of physical changes for the better, to include a massive tattoo that I still have to make a conscious effort at clothing choice so my mom doesn't see it. I turned thirty, which makes the whole mom thing even funnier. I have amazing friends and my family and (super*gush) a great man in my life. It's been good, life is good despite my fickleness and tendency to dramatize and complain a lot. I made the right decision coming back here and moving up to Seattle. Happy anniversary to me!

capricious

I'm so damn fickle. One day, I'm so pleased that the weather is great and I brag about how awesome it is. Today...I hate the heat. I'm tired because it was too hot to sleep very well. I'm nauseous because, like most warm-blooded creatures, I have a hard time eating when it gets too warm. I'm pissy because hot weather tends to bring out the suck in people. I'm sweaty and feel gross. But this is still way better than winter and thirty odd straight days of rain.

summer lovin'

The weather here has been awesome lately. It makes me wish that I didn't sleep most of the day away and then waste the rest of the gorgeousness by being stuck in the third level of hell. But every once in a while I like to leave my superhero hideout and capture my explorations beyond my normal existence on "film", just to remind myself that my life isn't all about nightlife, the gym, and work.

golden years

I just took a water aerobics class. Yes, that's right...it was me and the older women jumping around in the swimming pool. But it was actually, dare I say it...a workout. I panted a little bit and had moments of muscle failure, plus trying to keep your head above water is a workout all its own. And the instructor was playing this club anthem super-cheese trance music so it felt a lot like a swimming pool rave. All I needed were some glowsticks and a binky. It was a great way to start my Saturday.

regularly scheduled

AHHHHHHHH, I'm finally back on my regular four-day a week, every Wednesday off work schedule. It feels great and completely irresponsible because now that I've lived the high life with the extra money I was earning, it'll be hard to go back to my miserly ways. Although there is the bonus of losing weight with having to go back to my prison diet which will be good because I gained a little weight when I decided to try to kick the last little bit of my ever-reocurring smoking habit. Of course, on my first day of being off you would think that I would sleep in...but NOOOOO, stupid chirping springtime birds got me out of bed before 7am...which if you ask me is a time that shouldn't even really exist. So now that I have a whole day before me, with the weather finally deciding to agree with my schedule, what do I do with all my time? Suggestions?

brain drain

I miss being in school. I feel like my brain has atrophied like the muscles of a comatose person. The most important thought I've had today is, "Does orange juice go bad?" And the worst part is that I really don't know the answer.

award winning

In the past few days I have been told by a handful of people that I am "the most sarcastic person EVER" and then told by other people that I may not be the MOST sarcastic person but I'm the second most or at the very least, in the top 5. That makes me happy...no seriously, I'm not being sarcastic, it really does make me happy. Especially when they qualify it as being funny sarcastic, not mean or rude sarcastic. Hey, if you're gonna do something you might as well be the best, or in the top five for bestedness. UPDATE: My friend Kanani wrote this on her myspace blog... "Mas** is funny when she is sarcastic, which is a lot and i love it."

if we took a holiday

***Long-winded post forthcoming*** After five lovely days of mini-holiday, I guess I have to return to that dull and monotonous thing known as "real-life." I had a lovely time on vacay, we started out by going to Whistler BC for a few days where much hot-tubbing was had and the area of sunburned skin was increased. On the way, we stopped by this cafe for a much needed caffeine injection and a light dinner. It was a cool place, one corner was a yarn store where lads and ladies were hanging out in a knitting circle. The other half was a cafe where an acoustic open mike night was being held and the spirits of Melissa Etheredge and Sheryl Crow were being manifested. Then on the way home, we stopped by Vancouver BC (not to be confused with Vancouver WA, known for nuclear energy sites and lots of people with seven toes on one foot) where I got to spend time with my sister by spirit, Jessica and her awesome wife Anne. We went to this super-funky sushi joint called The Eatery. The decor was great and they had these weird super-hero, anime-ish, kewpie dolls wearing black spankies and red boots...somehow, someway I am going to find out who those little guys are. Next, the long drive back to Seattle, where instead of going home, we rushed over to The Element to see an epic set by James Holden. Even in my state of sheer exhaustion, I managed to rock out. But it can't all be candy-covered roses soaked in champagne. While at The Element, I saw two of the people who were unwittingly involved in the weekend that I really feel changed the course of my current life. Seeing them made me have two responses on polar sides of the emotional spectrum. One was shock and feeling like somebody just shoved a boulder into my stomach. I simultaneously hoped they wouldn't remember me and hoped that we would talk so they could see that I wasn't the person they had met in October. I wanted them to recognize that that person was a distorted version of who I was and it was unfortunate that they met me at a time when that version dominated my life. By the end of the night, we hadn't interacted and I don't (and won't) know if they just didn't remember me or they avoided me. But either way I was okay with that. Mostly because the other emotional response I had was that when I saw them, though mortified, I also realized that I had moved past that seriously fucked up time in my life. I'm stronger in so many ways and my life has improved tremendously and seeing those people was a complete affirmation of that. All of that and we haven't even gotten to the weekend. Saturday was spent with new friends, celebrating the lives of the seven people killed at the blue house. It started off by a day-long celebration at the Seattle Center, where the ubiquitous rain forced the event indoors to the food court. It was a melange of families spending the day together and candy-ravers. The energy of the place was great, you rarely go wrong when people come together to celebrate the lives of others by sharing music, circus acts, dancing, and girls in corsets walking around on stilts. That night, more time spent with new friends and break-corp...a musical style that I don't think I will ever learn to appreciate. But that's probably for the best, I've already lost enough hearing. Sunday was unofficially declared the day of recovery. My m.o. is to have massive weekends and then lose time and miss what inevitably end up being gorgeous Seattle days. But I still managed to accomplish a few tasks; including picking up my baby, who had a glorious time at my brother's place where he was able to play with his cousins (human, canine, and feline) and had a yard to cavort in and lots of butts to sniff. And I got to eat at a Capital Hill institution, The Honeyhole, which by the way I thought was a completely different kind of place when I first moved here. I had a reuben, thanks to Katie I can no longer pass up the opportunity to eat a reuben, even though, as Devin says, it's total gutbomb food. But my permanent state of diet and starvation went on vacay too, so it's all good. Blah blah blah, and more blah blah blah...now it's Monday and I have to unpack and get back to doing all the mundane things that make you appreciate vacations. And this was a good one, it was an opportunity to reiterate the fact that my life is full of love and friendship and beautiful people and fun and passion and other indications of descriptive corniness that make you want to gag a little.

freeze tag

"Six Weird Habits and/or Strange Things About Myself..."
1. I can write legibly (in print and in cursive), draw, and pick things up with my foot. It's a fun party trick.
2. I have had the same wart on my pinky finger since I was sixteen years old.
3. I haven't eaten eggs as a meal since I was about five years old. But I'll eat things dipped in eggs sometimes...I can rationalize that by convincing myself it's just a binder for the breading and therefore you can't really taste the egg.
4. I have a weird belly-button. I had a hernia when I was a baby that had to be surgically repaired and they sewed my belly button up so that it's all puckered. And hard to clean.
5. I've never lived in one place for longer than four years.
6. I often wish that I had a tail. And not like a dog or cat tail, but a spider-monkey tail. It would HAVE to be a spider-monkey tail.

prolific

I got my very first sunburn of the season yesterday. YAY FOR SUMMER PREVIEWS!!! No, seriously...YAY, I'm stoked that summer is just around the corner. Most people are surprised that I sunburn. In fact yesterday I heard, "Wow, you're like a white-girl!" and "I didn't think you could because of...you know...your type of skin and all." and my personal pet-fucking peeve, "Oh, I'm surprised, I didn't think people of your nationality got sun-burned." ARGGHHHHH! Now, I know most of the people who come here and smart enough to know better...but dammit there IS a difference between nationality, ethnicity, and race. I don't know why being a U.S. citizen would have any relation to my ability or inability to sunburn. GARRRRR!

recognition

HAPPY LAB WEEK! This means for one week out of fifty-two, we'll get free popcorn and sodie-pop to remind us that being the designated hospital asshole isn't ALWAYS so bad.

fight club

I have a very small mental filter and I'm pretty open about my life and its goings-on (I DO have a blog for crying out loud). Yesterday, I realized though that often I tell people things because I need to be reassured that my reactions and feelings about things aren't crazy or completely irrational. So I told three people the same story about something that happened this weekend. The first person thought I was a little crazy and irrational (but that's because she's dead inside)...but the next two people were like, "(*rapid intake of breath*) Oh my god, she said what?!? (*indignant pause*) And he did what?!?! (*tongue clucking*) Of course you were upset sweetie, I would be too! And THEN what happened!?!? (*dramatic pause*) NOOOOOOO!!!!" And then I felt a lot better because my behavior doesn't seem quite as inappropriate when everybody is agreeing with me. Of course that could just mean that I also surround myself by hyperreactive drama-queens who lie well enough that I believe them when they say I'm not being insane, but that seems pretty a-okay too.

tease

Oh Mother Nature, why do you mock me? Knowing I work every other weekend, why must you make the weather so glorious on the days I have to spend the day in the third pit of hell? Is it because I used to use toxic weed killer on my sidewalk because I was too lazy to dig them out? Whatever it is, I'm sorry. Please let me have a good weather stretch on my days off. And on a vaguely related note, for some strange reason, the maintenace people changed all the lightbulbs in the factory of bodily fluid doom known as my job recently. It is so freaking BRIGHT down there now. And that would be good if it wasn't that barfugly fluorescent lighting like they use in dressing rooms at Wal-mart, you know...the kind that somehow manages to make you look peaked and at the same time exaggerate the grooves and contours of each and every ass dimple you have. I think they thought it would perk us up, but really all it did was make us feel cagey and paranoid. We're like those creepy lab-testing rodents now, though that actually may have been the point.

resurface

During my final years of high school, I hung out with a rag-tag bunch of misfits lovingly nicknamed The Splinter Group by our English teacher (though I can't remember what book that name came from). Throughout the years the five of us fell in and out of touch, as happens with most era specific friends. Before I moved back to Washington permanently, four of us made an annual effort to see one another. But one of us, well after about 1999...nobody knew what had happened to her, as far as we knew she had completely fallen off of the face of the earth. I would often contemplate going to the house she lived in during school to see if her parents still lived there, and maybe then find out what had happened to her. But I think I was always a little afraid that it would be bad news...so I never did, avoidance often seems like the better option. Then yesterday, Kanani writes to me to tell me that she found Amy on MySpace of all places and I've already gotten a message from her. It's mindboggling to think that somebody who I haven't heard from in over seven years was just waiting to be found on some sliver of cyberspace.

hard to do

I've been thinking about that song, "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Mostly because I think I might have to break up with somebody who has a fair amount of importance in my life. We haven't shared a lot of time together, but it has been quality time, time I've really appreciated. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think I'm making a HUGE mistake. You see, I might be breaking up with my stylist and I'm almost convinced that the hair-stylist breakup is harder than any other type of breakup. And it's going to be an even harder thing than usual because her girlfriend just moved into my building and I see her all the time. In fact, last night we had a conversation about my hair looking scraggly, being stuck in ponytail mode, and my needing to come in and get something done with it. But the thing is...on Friday, I'm totally going to be cheating on her, I'm trying out a new guy. And for the worst reasons, he's cheaper, I don't have to go as far since he does hair down the block from me, and several of my friends go to him. So not only am I a lazy tightwad...but I'm a follower too.

puppy power

My poor little Iniki, the last two nights in a row he's had petite mal seizures in the middle of the night. It's so sad to watch because there's nothing you can do and he just lays there drooling and twitching. And then when it's all done, he must feel guilty for having made a mess because he tries to lick up his drool. It's heart-breaking. He's such the little champ!

blue monday

I'm trying to have some perspective about the shortness of weekends. I keep trying to tell myself that a hundred years ago, people worked six-seven days a week for twelve to fourteen hours a day. So by comparison, my five day week of a measly eight hours shouldn't seem that bad. But my headache compounded with exhaustion are telling me something completely different. Then the question becomes, was it worth it? Does the time I got to spend with my friends and mah fella (who I won't get everybody all gaggy about by gushing) and yet another awesome Creme make it all worth it? And I leave you with the only response possible to that question...hell yeah!

yearly

Why does the word anniversary have to have the whole flowers and champagne connotation? Not all anniversaries are fun and happy. Some anniversaries are annual pilgramages to the place called inner turmoil and the land of regret. So to hell with Cadbury eggs and plastic grass.

revolution

Got this quiz over at Hopelessly Average. What Famous Leader Are You?

good vibes

I love my extended network of friends and acquaintances. There is just something so rewarding about going somewhere and being greeted with warm hugs and big genuine smiles. Even though I rarely have the opportunity to spend time with my friends because of my schedule, I cherish whatever time I do get with them. Especially when I'm a little snockered.

happenstance

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, I rarely chalk things up to coincidence (I get a little spacey like that sometimes). Therefore, the fact that in a city the size of Seattle, in the middle of the day, while taking my dog on his daily walk, less than 48 hours after the revelation...I fucking walk across the EXACT SAME girl the post below is talking about...well, it's got me curious.

ugly head

I don't know that I'm a really jealous person. I mean, I don't think I'm any more or any less jealous than the next person, despite my insecurities. Jealousy is such a strange thing at any rate, you never know when it's going to strike or who will inspire it for that matter. I got jealous last night. If you've been following this blog, you'll remember that I chased my fella for a while and one time witnessed him making out with some girl...who he then went on a few dates with and at some point she decided she didn't want to continue whatever it was they were doing. But recently, she's come back and has been emailing him and wanting to "hang out" again...as friends of course (picture skeptical raised eyebrow and lip raising). And I guess he said yes, they could hang out as friends (picture completely raised eyebrows and mouth in a tight little grimace). And I am a little upset and jealous about it. Actually, I think it's a little disrespectful, which is the main motivation for my jealousy and feeling upset. I don't have any issues with his other relationships with people of the female variety, but this situation is maddening. And I don't know how to deal with it...or with myself for having these feelings.