lonely little petunia

Every once in a while I get bitten by the lonely bug and would like to have somebody at home when I get there, whether that be a partner, lover, roommate, friend, whatever. You know, somebody whose availability is without question or planning...other than Iniki, he's terrible at cutting up vegetables and isn't really up to snuff on politics or architechture. But then I remember that living alone has with so many advantages that it pretty much kicks ass.

• Knowing that every mess is your own makes cleaning so much easier to endure.
• Designing and decorating exactly how you want...Hello Kitty bathroom, yes please!
• Dirty panties on all the doorknobs, why the hell not?
• Being able to eat pudding out of the tub with your questionably clean fingers while standing at the kitchen counter and listening to the new New Kids on the Black without shame of being caught...uhhhh...priceless!
• Two words...naked yoga
• Never having to close the bathroom door
• Never having to wait to use the bathroom
• Never being surprised by the complete lack of toilet paper
• Only flushing the toilet when you feel it necessary
• Drinking out of every carton in the place so as not to produce dishes
• Washing the very few dishes that only you produce at your leisure
• Not having to explain your need to wake up at two in the morning to practice glittery disco makeup so as to reproduce the Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds scene in the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
• Being able to practice the following in private in your underwear until you are ready to unveil your new dance movies in public:
  

Yup...this is the life.

all that glitters

I'm broke. I somehow went from having more money than I knew what to do with to should have thought a little better about how I was spending my money because my little padded checking account is now utterly anorexic. And most of that is because of Burningman and taking retail therapy a little too seriously. However not having money is so not going to curb my little shopping addiction so I am thinking that I should look around for a part time job. Nothing too serious, just a little job so that I can earn a little cash on the side. I figure now is a good time to look with the holidays approaching. But in the meantime, while I look for the perfect part time job to fall right onto my lap, I thought I might cash in some of my rewards points on one of my credit cards (that's right, I said ONE of my credit cards). Rewards points are great, I mean getting something is certainly better than getting nothing. But there is a little stomach clenching when I realize that I had to spend about three grand to get that $25.00 gift certificate to Red Lobster. The funny thing though is the shit they offer you as rewards as well. Okay, a digital camera I understand...but seriously, a shop vac? A shop-vac I spent ten grand earning. Whoah.

DESA REMINGTON Shredder Vac and BlowerNew Item: #1 selling Shopvac!
10,000 points
DESA REMINGTON "Shredder Vac and Blower" with anti-clog design that vacuums and mulches the toughest debris - even wet leaves. Features: 3 tools in 1 - blower, vacuum and mulcher; 12 amp motor; 215 MPH maximum air speed; 2 speed blower (low and high speeds); 14:1 mulch ratio; CFM: 370; tool-less conversion from blower to vacuum. Weight: 9.1 lbs.

in the beginning

The cauldron holding the information and experiences of my processing has finally boiled down to one simple idea...honesty. It really does all come down to this one thing. Love, Compassion, Acceptance, Empathy, Integrity...ALL of these catchphrases bandied about like a shuttlecock stem from the ONE thing. It all comes down to being honest, being truthful, being genuine, being real.
Most importantly is to be honest with yourself. Such a simple idea, the idea of a small child... listen to yourself, believe in yourself, honor yourself...know thyself, know your truth...they (those guys) speak of it setting you free. Who are you capable of being? Who are you willing to be? Who are you wanting to be? What are you willing to do to get to any of those places? What are you willing to give up to get there?
It's only after you've REALLY asked the questions and come up with an honest assessment that you can even begin to be honest with others. And being honest with others coming from a place of honesty will surely cultivate love and compassion and integrity and acceptance. And it will be real. And it will be magical. And it might even be perfect.
But because we're focused on the end goal...the culmination...the reward. We've surpassed much of the work necessary to get THERE, that nebulous space of love and acceptance and warm gooey cookies.
We all have our reasons for not being completly honest with (first) ourselves and (then) others. We want to be liked, we want to be loved, we want to be valued and appreciated, we want to be right, we want to be in control, we want to feel the rewards and eat the warm gooey cookies. So we cut in line and sidestep the beginning stages like a slick wet grate on a sidewalk where the potential to slip and fall and get hurt is far greater.
And we take what we can get and it is great, but we still notice...that teeny voice telling us that something is missing, something is not quite right. But now going back seems even harder than doing the work in the first place. So we continue with the pantomime, we play the role we created for ourselves, we keep on our game face.
And it's often good enough that we continue playing the game, until maybe one day it isn't. And today is that day for me. So I'm pulling the card that's taking me back to Go, with or without my $200.00. I'm going to take as many steps back as I need and truely look within myself to find my truth, to find it honestly, and give myself compassion and integrity and love along the way. Because I know that until I do, I can't fully give what I don't really have. And I can't get it back if I can't truly give it. And spending so much time in the labrynth is getting pretty exhausting.

when worlds collide

My first Burningman experience was a glorious affair full of wonder. I got to look at and experience a world like no other with a child's eyes, mind, and heart. And it was without a doubt a most fantastic and beautiful adventure.
But for my second Burningman, I think my experience was through the eyes of an adolescent. Yes, I had been there before though much of it was still left to be experienced, but I was no longer the prodigal virgin being encouraged to shatter the bell at the greeting station. I was this time truely coming home.
As I decompress and try to process the grandness of this year's burn, I have concluded that this was a year of being surrounded by worlds of opposition. I feel like this year was a study in dichotomy, a year when worlds collided and afterwards I am left to figure out what to do with the shards and shrapnel left behind.
A prime example of this dichotomy was the weather. I mean...hello? did anybody else feel like the two pigs who made their houses out of sticks and straw? I'm sure the people in RVs felt a little bit more like the third pig with the bricks. From raging storms to warm nights slowly bleeding into the most beautiful sunrises, it was pretty clear that we were at the mercy of mother playa and she was feeling a little bipolar.
Another big example for me was who I thought I would spend time with and who I actually ended up spending time with. How people I know very little took the time to seek me out and how people who have a huge place in my heart never did. How you can carry assumptions and expectations with you onto the playa but in the end those are blown away with the dust storms.
Then one very tangible instance was when somebody who I have random moments with thanked me for doing a very small and seemingly innocuous thing. And that very same thing ended up being a knife in another's heart who has a real presence in my life.
And of course there is always the raging study in opposition when you spend time with and connect with people in what seems like a very real and profound way and believe it to be the most wonderful thing ever...just to have the connection utterly diffused and confused the next time you see them.
In the end, for me, the burn was a week of highs in one direction and then highs in the completely opposite direction. There weren't really any lows, just a series of incredibly intense moments on opposite ends of whatever light spectrum Burningman happens to rest within (or without). I guess when I set out my intention for grandness, I should have been more specific and asked for it in a limited capacity.
Now, after it is all said and done, I suppose it is my job to find the proper perspective to create a balance between these worlds of opposition so that these experiences can co-exist within me comfortably. And for me, that is a difficult job, and because of the difficulty of the job I am struggling through a intense and formidable lesson...one I'm still working on...for quite a few years. But it's a good thing, no...a grand thing.