sleepyhead

My god, doesn't anybody suffer from insomnia anymore. Here it is...barely midnight and there is nobody around to piss away a good portion of the wasted hours of my life with.
On a completely unrelated note, I've found a way to totally confound random people on the street. Just walk around wearing a silly little smile on your face, a smile that says, "Fuck it, I don't know why I'm smiling either." Because people can deal with pissy, angry faces, they can deal with blank, dead soulless faces...but they just can't understand why a person would enjoy life and be openly expressive about it. And the bewildered looks on their faces just makes you smile more. It's delightfully catty.

play time

Games are supposed to be fun, a good hearty game of Scrabble, a group full of crazy kids playing drunken Jenga, trying to figure out the rules to Cranium. But one game that completely blows is the dating game. I just can't do it. Frankly, I never really could. I'm sure there are a thousand things I could compare the game to in order for it to make more sense. Like fishing, fishing is probably a good example...but I don't really know how to fish either. I guess, for me, the whole idea of making a burgeoning connection with another person into a game is fucking stupid. I won't do it. When I'm interested in a person, I lay it out there. I don't do flirty, I don't do cutesy, I don't play the game. I used to think that it would be considered a refreshing change of pace. And maybe in my early twenties, it was. But now, I think people find it too intense, too aggressive, definitely too much for a city such as Seattle where everybody is slathered in a layer of stand-offishness and THEN doused in a patina of nice, so that trying to figure out if you're coming or going with people is damn near impossible. It's a little frustrating. I'm a little frustrated by it. So then I start second-guessing myself. Are my motives not as pure as I think they are? Am I really playing the game, albeit differently? Maybe I'm baiting my line with honesty and directness? Maybe I need to fire my old coach? But all that second-guessing and I'm still not going to change. John Hughes said it best, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong ones." * ** ***

*Which movie is that from?
**I'm really not DOWN about this, it's just something I had on my mind and thought that if I got it out, it wouldn't be any longer.
***I'm not the slightest bit alone. I have an amazing group of people in my life.

pick a card, any card

What Tarot Card Are You?
You symbolize the end, which can be frightening.But you also symbolize the immortality of the soul.You represent transformation, rebirth of a new life.Sweeping away the past is part of this card, as painful as it may be.
Your fortune:
Don't worry, this card does not predict death itself.Instead it foreshadows the ending of an era of your life, one that is hard to let go of.But with the future great new things will come, and it's time to embrace them.Mourn for a while, but then face the future with humility and courage.

dyesaster

My hair and Washington are totally at odds with one another. When I first moved here, I had the worst hair disaster of my young life when some "master" stylist tried to fashion my hair into some horrendous politician's wife's hair. That took forever to grow out. Now I've had my first real hair-color disaster. I've had my hair professionally colored for a long time, but then I decided that I would do it myself to save a few dollars. That was fine for a while, but then Thursday happened. Somehow the dark, espresso brown shade I bought was really meant to create a visage of ugly lighter brown roots. Now I have two-tone hair. Retch. I have to go get it done professionally to fix my mistake, but apparently there is a 48-72 hour window that will have expired by the time I can get it done so the results are up in the air. I guess you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but can never really take the ghetto out of the girl.

annoyance

There is nothing more bothersome nor more painful than cutting your toenails way too short

white heat

What Type of Weather Are You?

Beautiful yet dangerousPeople will stop and watch you when you appearEven though you're capable of random violence
You are best known for: your power
Your dominant state: performing

all growed up

Trouble was right...the good times wouldn't last. I had volunteered to work some extra shifts while one of my coworkers is on maternity leave. I didn't realize that this involved selling my soul to the corporate satan. In the eight weeks of scheduling put out, I asked for one weekend of change (when Katie, who had already bought her ticket, would be in town). My supervisor told me that I was being "dirty" and "not keeping my word." Okay, FUCK THAT! I've said before, call me ugly, stupid, fat (okay, maybe not fat...I get sensitive about that one sometimes), lazy...but NEVER question my integrity. Especially when I'm doing way more to help the place than anybody else. So I stewed for a while and vented to co-workers with a melange of entirely inappropriate language, but I didn't do anything rash. Then later, after I calmed down, I went to my supervisor and talked to her about how I felt (though I left the inappropriate language at the door). It was an entirely grown-up and responsible thing to do. A few years ago, I would have cussed somebody out, burst into tears, and threatened to quit unless I got my way. And hey, you know what, doing it the responsible way...I got my way there too. So...started off bad...ended up good. But I still need to go with Katie's suggestion and get those phone-call voodoo dolls made.

enabler

My coffee addiction has now reached EPIC proportions. It all started with the reintroduction of Taster's Choice crystals, it's a Korean thing, I can't really explain it. Then around Christmas, I got an insanely generous gift card to Starbucks. And just as that started to dwindle to dangerously low levels, we got a Starbucks brewing machine at work. It makes freshly ground Starbucks coffee right there on the spot. And it's FREE...and not the free you get when you dine and dash...it is completely FREE! I will probably actually start going in the work early, instead of showing up seconds before they dock my pay for tardiness, just to make sure that the blood that flows through my veins is as thick as molasses and smells like those fancy coffee beans that come out of monkey butts.

light as a weather, stiff as a board

No amount of willing your phone to ring actually makes it happen. What the hell am I thinking?

wrap-up

Did you ever have one of those really great weekends that made you think, "Wow, my life RAWKS." I totally had one of those weekends. Everything about this weekend was just great. I got to spend quality time with my family and friends. And there is no greater feeling than realizing that you are creating fulfilling and beautiful relationships with people. I met some new people that I hope to get to know better. I cleaned my apartment and went on a totally financially ill-advised shopping rampage in order to make my place feel a little more homey. I even went so far as to use my stove and cook food, though once it was cooked I didn't feel even remotely compelled to eat it. And the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl for the first time ever. I'm really feeling (dare I say it) like somehow something in my life switched and I'm moving in a positive direction that just seems ripe with possibilities. I know that sounds totally trite, but for the first time in a while I'm actually glad to have this feeling of hope.

spam the old fashioned way

I used to get a shit-ton of catalogues. Mostly crappy catalogues like Oriental Trading Company and Fingerhut. But somehow I ended up on a pretty cool mailing list. I was "invited" to attend a meeting for a cancer society that will assist you in training for marathons, triathalons, and the like so that you can then help them raise money. And the races are in the most amazing places. Finally, somebody is recognizing my hard-labor at the gym. No more will I suffer through the delicious torture of perusing Harry & David catalogues and other hawkers of sinful, delivered right to your doorstep, cellulite inducers. Although I'm pretty sure that my gym sold my information to these people.

spam the old fashioned way

I used to get a shit-ton of catalogues. Mostly crappy catalogues like Oriental Trading Company and Fingerhut. But somehow I ended up on a pretty cool mailing list. I was "invited" to attend a meeting for a cancer society that will assist you in training for marathons, triathalons, and the like so that you can then help them raise money. And the races are in the most amazing places. Finally, somebody is recognizing my hard-labor at the gym. No more will I suffer through the delicious torture of perusing Harry & David catalogues and other hawkers of sinful, delivered right to your doorstep, cellulite inducers. Although I'm pretty sure that my gym sold my information to these people.

distortion

Somebody asked me how I see myself in the mirror. Do I look in the mirror and see some horrendous beast of a woman staring back at me? A hugely obese manatee? Well no, I don't look in the mirror and see some hideous creature worthy of the murky depths of the Great Barrier Reef. What's funny about how I look in the mirror is that I don't see the big picture. I look at myself in fragments. I see puzzle pieces that, when viewed by others, somehow become a whole person. I read somewhere that this is the best way to improve your self-esteem. Rather than looking at yourself as an imperfect whole, concentrate on the things about yourself that you like best. Frankly, that whole train of thought is complete and utter BULLSHIT! I haven't felt this lackluster in ages. So when you look in the mirror, how do you see yourself?

check another off of the list

I just walked past two people smoking crack in the park. My city adventures are complete.

bondage

Whew, I'm almost back to the land of the living. Not quite...but almost. I ended up doing only half of the things I set out to do this weekend, but that was probably for the best. The things I did end up doing were wonderful. I feel like I got significantly closer to some friends of mine and met some new people that I hope to become closer to in the future. And part of the reason that's happening is because I'm finally letting myself open up a little. I'm opening myself to the possibility that I am worth something, worth enough that other people would want to share their lives with me, which is a little scary...because I've looked at myself through a looking glass that told me something else for so long that I don't know which version is the distorted one.
Ah well, introspection and misfiring synapses aside, I've got a lot to be thankful for right now.

news and 'dotes

I made a myspace profile for Iniki (shhhh, I don't think that's actually allowed). The sad thing about it is that within a day he's racked up more friends than I did in a day. And he's gotten more messages and comments than me.
Duct tape is pure genius. I broke the loop on one of my favorite belts and didn't know what I was going to do to fix it. But then I remembered this site and it inspired me to create my own duct tape magic. Not only can it hold up my boys in a strapless dress but can also be quite stylish. I think after I finish a few of my knitting projects, I'm going to make a duct tape corset.
I am seriously addicted to two songs right now, "Till There Was You" by Rachael Starr (Gabriel & Dresden remix) and "What Else Is There" by Royksopp (Trentemoller remix). I think I have listened to both at least ten times today.
The rain in this freakin' wet city, 25 days in a row and counting. Nine more and it's a new record for shittiness.
I have a busy weekend coming up, starting tomorrow and going until I head to work on Sunday. And this is me taking a break?

rain, rain go away

This could be why I'm feeling a little down. I know it's the northwest and all and I really don't mind the rain normally. But enough is enough. All I need is like two days of blue skies, it doesn't even have to be warm really. Is that asking too much?
UPDATE: Oh Mother Nature, you and your warped sense of humor...thanks for the blue skies and sunshine that I can enjoy on the ten minute walk to work where I'll spend the day in the third level of hell with no windows.

r.i.p.

A few months ago I mentioned that a former co-worker of mine passed away. Well today I got a phone call from a friend and a doctor I used to work with/for in that same clinic died in a car accident. He was in his late 40s I think. He had two children, both in their teens. Though I can't say that I liked him or working with him all that much, I'm still shocked and saddened by this news.

crotchety

Warning: this post is just a tad vulgar and inappropriate. So it's probably best to not read it at all. If you do, take it with a grain of salt and a pinch of bad humor.
It must have been because of the fungal thoughts earlier in the day. Somehow today ended up being a day-o-crotches.
First, my sister and I went to Olympus Spa, a Korean styled bath-house, because my mom had gotten us gift certificates for my birthday (yeah, let's not even get into the whole "Why does Sofia always get presents on MY birthday" thing). Now in Korea, some homes don't have actual bathrooms with showers and bathing with a bucket gets a little tiresome. So, people go to these bath-houses to bathe and soak in all sorts of fancy bathwaters (like tea baths and mugwort), use steam saunas, and have an ajima scrub away your dead skin to leave you soft and shiny like a newborn's butt. The Olympus spa is styled after those, but much fancier and spendier. It's apparently quite popular and not just with the Asian ladies. It's an interesting place because you pretty much spend your entire stay there in your birthday suit. Which is fine, I'm not a TOTAL prude when it comes to nudity. But seriously, in certain situations, keeping your legs locked at the knees is so way necessary. There are just some things you really need to keep to yourself. And I don't know when the afro came back in style...but it has and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Then later I was at the gas station. While I was trying to count out exact change, the attendant full on started adjusting himself for what seemed like an eternity. I was a little appalled but tried to pretend like I didn't notice. At some point giving the boys some air becomes lewd conduct in a public place and this guy crossed that line and then some.
The ick factor was running high today.

his and hers

I'm not completely sure what produced this train of thought. It is probably exhaustion keeping the usual checks and balances that prevent the crazy from running rampant in my brain from working. At any rate, sometime during the day, I started thinking about gendered speech. Which somehow made me start thinking about feminine hygiene products and the "not so fresh" feeling. And then the epiphany struck and if I were still in school, still doing the whole gender studies thing. I might actually consider doing a dissertation on the subject.
Why is it that the way we talk about crotch ailments is so gendered? When men get the fungal going in their crotches, it's called JOCK ITCH. Manly sounding isn't it? Men get to blame exercise for their down-under funkiness. And not just any old exercise...oh NO...the exercise of JOCKS, super-duper ultra-masculine exercise. And since it's just an itch, well you get an otc spray and problem solved.
However, when women get the fungal going on...it's not an overabundance of activity and sweat that gets blamed. NO...we get INFECTIONS! Dirty, dirty infections to go along with all the crazy lack of groin freshness that we have to deal with already. And infections require the loving care of a doctor just waiting to use a super cold speculum.
Just another sign that women are evil and nasty, just like that damnable Eve.

time of your life

I know I've said it before, but I am going through an existensial crisis. Which I suppose isn't too surprising considering the upheaval my life has experienced in the last year+. But the thing I've been pondering lately is this...doesn't a crisis imply some kind of limited time offer. At some point I should be getting over this whole, "what's the meaning of life and is it even worth it?" head trip that I've been putting myself through right? Is it even worth asking the question when you know you'll never find the answer? I'm starting to think that a good hard blow to the head might be the answer here.

stupid quiz day

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.
What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.
People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.
What Kind of Food Are You?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.
Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho
If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!
How Weird Are You?

Found this one over at AtomicBombshell's, though clearly I changed it from her birthday to my birthday:

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count.
You prefer to be around others, both when working and while relaxing.
Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time.
You're open minded and tolerant.
People feel like they can tell you anything.
Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility
Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic
Your power color: Pine green
Your power symbol: Circle
Your power month: September
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

life sentence

The other day I went down to Omah's One Stop Laundromat and Grocery Store, aka my mom's house, cause I'm college dorm kid like that. I like to run my errands that involve bulky items while I'm down there because it's suburbia and therefore much easier to drive around. I went to Safeway to get the big jugs of water, a pain in the ass to carry five blocks from the grocery store here in town. As I was walking out, I ran into one of my sister's friends. I've been around her a handful of times, I've even been to her house. So I said hi to her and we hugged, but I could tell that she didn't REALLY know who I was. Right after I walked off, I guess she called my sister to ask if it was me that she just ran into. And I guess she asked, "Has your sister been in prison? She's lost a lot of weight." OKAY! I joke about being on a prison diet, but how one jumps from weight loss to incarceration is beyond me. It's bad enough that quite a few people assume that my weight loss is directly attributed to some form of drug abuse. What ever happened to the days when people could just have an eating disorder? Seriously, isn't anorexia enough, do I have to be a junkie former felon too?

clean and clear

For NYE, a friend and I decided that I should do a little cleansing ritual. Without getting into too much detail (mostly because I end up looking like such a fucking girl, and a psycho girl at that), it involved a cell phone and the delete button. It was a strangely difficult task to accomplish, two pushes of a button and I stood there feeling nauseous. But I did it, I cleansed right after midnight. And when I got home and remembered that I had written the number down when I did my phone number backup, I erased it from the list as well. So I should be cleansed right? I should feel as light as air, completely exhilarated. According to some television commercial I saw, getting rid of the phone number on your cell is the FINAL STEP in forgetting and letting go. Except it's actually had the opposite effect in my case. My brain has been CONSUMED lately with the person associated with that damn number (yeah, it wasn't even that person's number I had...sad I know). I don't know why, I really don't. Clearly avoiding #3 and #5 (due to my not avoiding #4 last year) isn't going very well.

resolving

I don't do resolutions. I think they're kind of silly. If you couldn't make yourself do the exact same thing on the 31st of December, then chances are you aren't going to do them come January 1st. And why set yourself up for failure so early in the year...wait until summer to disappoint yourself, at least then the weather is better. But, hypocrisy not withstanding here, there are a few things I'm going to try and avoid this year:
1. Expectations
2. Overindulgence of any sort
3. Hanging on to shit
4. Boys who are from out of town, moving out of town, Capricorns, artists/musicians/djs, have read The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Asian fetishists, and/or ego-hounds.
5. Self-loathing

Nothing too big or complicated...
Oh and #4 isn't directed at anybody who actually reads this page...just in case you wondered.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye

My house has that distressing quiet and stillness that you get after having had people over. The quiet that makes me think that my space stays empty far too often. Gabs is gone, soon to return to the land of bluegrass and bourbon. And for me, things are slowly returning back to (ab)normal. I went back to work last night, I finally dragged my bloated ass to the gym this morning, and my dog is back on his schedule too. We definitely rock-starred it up during the visit, though I did manage to not go completely overboard. Mostly due to lack of funding...so yay for being broke, it kept me from spending quality time with my toilet. I know everybody complains about having out-of-town guests because you have to do the same old touristy shit, but I think secretly everybody enjoys it. I like Pike Place Market, even when it's crawling with brain-dead tourists. Next time I have a visitor, hopefully the weather will be a lot nicer and we can do more outdoorsy stuff.

paradigm shift

First it was the confirmation of Justice Alito. Then the death of Betty Friedan and Coretta Scott King. I can't help but feeling like an era has somehow ended. And it's a little scary. Honestly, I don't feel too dramatic when I read the news and think, "The civil rights movement is dead." I feel like I belong to a generation of passive-aggressive politicism. It's not that we don't care, or that we don't care enough...maybe we just stopped believing we could actually make a change. I have a hard time believing that change can happen. Especially when I see how easily we're manipulated into focusing on things that have absolutely no importance, like whether or not Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting a boy or girl. I don't know what I wish more, that I have nothing to be worried about or that other people started to be a little more worried.

signs, signs, everywhere are signs

*Please read this with the self-deprecating humor with which it is intended.
We're always looking for signs. Should I take this job, should I go to this place, will my ass look fat in these pants? We hope that somebody else will clue us in on how to go about things. But what I've realized lately is that signs are EVERYWHERE, we just ignore them when they don't give us the answer we want. I did exactly that when it came to a person who I had a slightly more than friendly interest in. I kept shaking the Magic 8 Ball of Fate (my personal and ever-present dominatrix) and the signs kept telling me, "Outlook not so good." But I wasn't hearing that. It was bad enough that this person fulfilled many of the requirements on the checklist of guys I should avoid like the plague. But I wasn't hearing that either. Then the signs starting coming, first and foremost the BIG one...when said person doesn't call, they just aren't that into you. But I'm like that stupid gopher game, I keep popping my head up waiting to get pummelled with some overzealous hammer. So more signs, even more obvious ones, including seeing this person make out with somebody and then realizing this person thought I was gay...which should be a couple of super-duper, right in your face big clues that the margins of success were slim to none. All those signs, blocking up the scenery...but I guess I still didn't quite get it. Next thing I know, I'm accidentally forwarding a message about my dirty panties to the person and THEN the light comes on. FINALLY I recognize the signs for what they are. Nothing like abject humiliation to open your eyes.

infusion

I went to a friend of a friend of a friend's house yesterday evening. It was an interesting experience for sure. I had savory crepes, good conversation, and then drank a shot of vodka infused with something. I can't remember what exactly, but it started with a Y. And after offering but before handing me the drink, the host asked, "Do you have any heart problems?" Most people would probably not drink something that promised a heart attack for a few heart-unhealthy individuals...but not me, that just made it that much more interesting. Apparently, the stuff in the drink is an aphrodisiac and it elevates your body temperature and then after a while cools it down. Well, I can personally only attest to the warming and cooling of the body temperature...the accuracy of other part somebody else will have to verify.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!