flu season

I feel like I've been infected with other people's doubts and questions. It feels a bit like a virus. Cell by cell, my certainty about my relationship is being taken over by the questions and doubts of others. By two people mostly, my partner and my therapist, the two people with the greatest insight into my love life. Am I wrong to think that sometimes fights happen? Am I wrong to believe that hardships are inevitable and that sometimes sacrifice is required? Do I have some antiquated notion about love and relationships? I know that my faults, my problems, my baggage all play into OUR problems. I know that I probably couldn't date myself. I know that there are some things that won't change on his end. I know that he thinks he's trying as hard as he can. And for a long time, I still knew that it was all worth it. But now I'm not so sure, I don't KNOW any longer. I have more questions, more doubts, more uncertainty. I'm flailing about while the virus tries to take over, trying to find the emotional equivalent to emergen-c.

oddities

I'm not sure what happened but my computer is working again. I had taken some things out of quarantine because the last thing I did before the computer stopped working was run ad-aware. Then it seemed like it still wasn't working. But lo and behold, I come back from vacation and it is working again. Except that now I have a shit-ton of pop-ups!!!
I missed this place. There were several moments in the last few weeks where I felt like I really needed a safe-haven. A place to ramble and vent and a refuge for my blatherings. I am, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your perspective, a privately emotional person. Not too many people get invited into my emotional house. So I end up feeling like I burden those who are allowed the sit on my emotional couch and take a look at my emotional photoalbums and quite possibly sneak through my emotional medicine cabinet. And I don't want to burden anybody, so I keep a lot of it to myself...and sometimes that gets to be too much.
What that means here though is that I am going to start using this space as more of an outlet. More blathering, more pseudo-introspective bullshit, more annoying self-centered yakety yak. Hopefully it won't be too overwhelming for the one and a half people who read this!

bear necessity

I just came back from a great little weekend jaunt to British Columbia. But despite the fabulousness, karmic retribution is walking up my driveway with fist at the ready to knock on my door.
You see, after our all too brief stop in Vancouver to see the loveliest of ladies, Jessica and Anne, we drove the rest of the way up to Whistler where we were to spend the weekend with a group of awesome people and quite possibly the cutest little wee one (outside of my gene pool and therefore outside of my instinctual need to love them more than anybody else).
The drive wasn't particularly trecherous or onerous, and I guess cars and drivers aren't the only things to think so. Because on the drive, a black bear decided to walk onto the roadway and right in front of my car. Yes indeedy, I hit a bear...with my car.
I saw it up ahead and managed to slam on my breaks and slow down to about 10-15 mph (or 20-25 kmph since we were in Canada and they smartly do the whole metric thing), but I still hit it head on. It was probably a younger bear, an adolescent maybe.
It's a strange thing hitting a bear, I mean you can't exactly get out of the car to check on a pissed off and injured bear! But I don't think I hurt it too badly, it jumped up and ran back off into the woods. Then we pulled over and a bunch of Canadian kids came and checked on us. We were okay, just really shaken up (not stirred) and the car didn't seem too bad off, so we decided to finish driving. I spent most of the time about to cry because I HIT A BEAR.
For christ's sake, I have never even run over a squirrel and I lived in Kentucky and drove through the backwoods almost every day for two years. And we were on a busy part of the freeway. And....and....and....I feel terrible about it.

ok computer

Garrrrr, I did it again. I managed to screw up my computer somehow and I can't get connected to the internet. So my posting will be sporadic at best until I can get it back to the shop. But I will have fun stuff to talk about when I get the chance. Like how I broadsided a black bear on the highway this weekend.