bleeding heart

Some days, when I feel particularly empty inside, I imagine cutting a hole in my chest to see if there is still a beating heart in there. The logical part of me knows that there is, I'm still living after all; but the part of me that doesn't feel very alive wonders. If this momentary lapse into psychotic fantasizing comes with a visual fantasy, I often find myself giddy from the picture in my head. I don't think this makes me particularly crazy. I bet if I googled this, a lot of people have these very same thoughts.

affirmative

After the quick departure of my live-in, pseudo-spouse (apparently, fake divorce is not fake-frustrating), I'm in the need of a dog-sitter and the replacement of the extra income from having rented out a spare room would be beneficial. So far I am all goose-eggs. I thought I would try to rent out the spare room again, temporarily, and went the craigslist route. I said no to somebody because I thought I had a more promising lead. The more promising person fell through, and another person stopped responding. Both of the last two opted out after I sent pictures of my place. I guess it's not nearly as cool as I think it is. Not everybody is into hoarder-sized vintage apron collections and a color palette that resembles the aftermath of a Holi Festival? Weird. Mostly though, I am concerned about the dog. I have to find a good situation for him. I wonder how other work-travelers deal with this. Do they board their dogs? Do they pay dog-walkers? Neither seems like the better choice for le dog, and definitely not for my pocketbook. All of my previous dog-sitters, before the pseudo-spouse, are gone or no longer available. My family is willing to help, but that involves the trek down south. A few friends have offered on a limited basis, but I have to find something consistent. Blargh. I keep telling myself that if these are the worst of my problems, I don't have it so bad. But, dang, my stomach is in knots.

new year, same story

I really do not know why I expect anything different. I guess the upside is that I don't feel disappointed.